vulgar life of wondertwins

2012-01-22T17:45:00.000+08:00

Sometimes you don't set out to think but the thoughts that occur to you disturb you and you just have to set them down in words. I like proof of insanity. I'm a mental patient daring you to tell me I don't have a problem. My dad wants me to visit Woodbridge sometimes when I'm free. He says he worries for me, and if i keep visiting that place regularly, maybe when i do finally end up in court for murder or something i won't be hanged, by reason of insanity. Gotta love my parents' confidence in me. And i don't mean this sarcastically. I'm saying, murder is a real possibility for me, as is rape, emotional blackmail and stuffs.

Ok, anyway I've been thinking( unwillingly, because this whole thing is so... bulky?) of this theory. That girls are all waiting for boys to grow up. Don't you think? I think i'll possibly be overwhelmed by feminists all stuffing their hairy armpits into my face, trying to suffocate me, but i think it's true.

Everyone is chasing after love, consciously or not. It's like some coveted prize and much as I'd like to renounce it like Cady renounced the title of prom queen, breaking that worthless plastic crown like everyone's lives didn't depend on it, I can't. the core of me still longs for it like any other worthlessly pathetic human being. I speak of higher love like i can, but i'm a shitty liar.

I'm not saying I'm in love with anyone, indeed i am not. But even i'm finding myself ridiculous, for constantly repeating that i don't need love to myself every passive second of my mind's breath. Obviously i need it. Who the fuck doesn't. But i wish i didn't. There are no pros to needing love but the cons include you being needy, clingy, stupid, ignorantly happy (which obviously isn't good. it's like smiling while people are being killed in the background).

They say love makes you stronger, but it doesn't apply to me at all. Love makes me weaker, love makes me stupid. I used to deny vehemently but as the years pass, i know myself better now. And i admit i become a daft alien everytime it hits me. So I'm trying not to let it hit me again. But heck, at the same time i want it to. That's when i came up with the theory, in the shower, when i was about to breakdown in tears (or maybe i already did, not sure) from all the conflicting voices in my head. Honestly, there were voices. There were voices saying "don't" and "why" and a million other things all at once, some very long sentences, like, "Ha! You think you're so different but you're still pathetically human down to your very core". I hadn't sought to cry, i just needed to break free from all these voices. I'm telling you, there WERE voices. How the hell i act so normal( by my definition) in school, i have no idea, because the voices were all speaking out even when i was speaking aloud.

Everyone's chasing love like addicts after their fix. It's pathetic to watch. It's even more pathetic to want to be part of it. Compulsory civil behavior compels me to restrain from acting like a disgusting barbarian, shamelessly grabbing at it. t's not like there's anything worth grabbing or anything.

I don't know if being a girl sucks or just the mere fact of being human was the very root of the problem to begin with but why the hell are we always waiting around for love, waiting for it like fucking lottery, waiting for the right orientation, right force, right everything. Anyway, everywhere i look, i see girls waiting for boys to grow up into men, see the light and propose to them. It's pathetic, really. Hanging around, always hanging around like a forlorn puppy, pretending like you have something going on for you but actually not, actually wishing you were a thousand watt bulb so you can glare at him, blind him. I must break away from wanting this. Because i am not a loser. I am capable of higher love.

Yesterday i read this quote by Dee Hsu from the Life section of Straits Times: "Men, oh men. Women can see through all of you and either they don't give two hoots about you or just decide to play along with you".
Everywhere i look, i see evidence of women deciding to "play along". It's disgusting. The army officer's wife tending to their three kids PLAYED ALONG, my maid's friend (also an indonesian maid) sending money home to her unfaithful bum of a husband PLAYED ALONG. What the fuck is wrong with all these people, why must all PLAY ALONG with men, wtf! I will not. I will be the one who will not give two hoots about them. But i hate myself because i still can't firmly plant my feet on this side of the line because i am still human. What is wrong with all of us, why must we all have this inherent need to love and be loved? I hate it i hate it i hate it. Why can't we all just love other people and other things like how we love our family? Like how i love my dog. Why must we all seek too be lovers with someone else? What for! I recognise there is a bliss in being lovers, that top of the world feeling, like a diamond in your pocket. But... why should it make us feel so special. Love is love, how do you measure it? How can you allocate thr importance of different kinds of love? I'm so frustrated by this whole thing. And for nothing. It just OCCURRED to me, all these voices in my head, this whole theory, this whole distaste for human fallibility in the face of love. MY fallibility in particular. Sucks.

Voices in my head, shut up. I am capable of higher love.

2012-01-07T04:31:00.001+08:00

why didn't anyone inform me of the existence of blink182? damn! ok i think it's better no one told me, or it'll become too generic and i'll be repelled by it. like how i rejected harry potter and LOTR. can fully empathise with
murakami's devastation at fame.

if i ever go punk rock on you, please, please forgive me. i've never known this music was called punk rock. like, i've always loved Bowling For Soup but i didn't know they were punk rock. ok, sorry. i know i look neither like a punk nor a rock person, i just really like how they mess with people in the vids. omdog this is such a boring post

2012-01-05T20:17:00.000+08:00

My mind is blowing up like the people training at the JI camps right now. Yiting just told me that she's going to get our mortal enemy Zhu De Wei( Pig ah Du) aka teo ze wei as her math teacher from hell next year. oh my fucking dog. this is so bad. i feel so bad right now. like a motherfucking motorcyclist ready to jump off the bike in the middle of going 400kmph in the middle of the highway. walao.... :( i was wrong to feel optimistic about this year. Ok, unhappy things aside, i came up with 1281 words for my KI IS in one day. uhuh. And i also came up with a theory but it's not related to my IS. That is if countries can be personified, then... ok i shall put it in a list

America-brash young man
Singapore- boring girl no one invites to parties
Malaysia- sickeningly sleek salesman
North Africa- prisoners of all sorts
South Africa-drug addict in rehab
South Korea-boring university girl
North Korea-farmer
Chile-the bangla in every country
China-career woman in her 50's
India-bellydancer
Indonesia-vagabond rocker
Britain-old virgin

i can't think of any more countries alrd. too distraught over the possibility that i may get that zhu de wei. he is fucking fucking horrible. :( depressionella. anyway that's how i stereotype countries.

2011-12-31T15:30:00.000+08:00

I don't know why but i feel sort of excited about the new year, and next year. i shouldn't be because i'm going to get hell next year. Haven't written a single word for my IS when it's supposed to be done by now. And i haven't finished my homework. Scrap that, i haven't even done half of it. But for some reason i feel so damned optimistic about next year. This is wrong right?

I don't care.

For the first time in my life i made new year resolutions that i will probably never fulfill. Stuff like paying attention during lectures, but hell. The greater ambitions are stuff like dying my hair teal green and cottoncandy pink like a unicorn and becoming 3 shades paler. If women are from Venus and men are from Mars then i protest. Why the hell must we all come to earth and mingle wtf. I wanna stay in Venus where the air is purple and the entire economy revolves around salons or every kind. In Mars i bet the economy revolves around handshakes. The people with the firmest handshakes will wield the most power. They'll be like demi-gods because they can give themselves the best orgasms. In short, people from Mars are losers. unless of course, you're Leonardo di Caprio or Johnny Depp or Robert Downy Jr and stuff. People from Venus will be bimbos, but you have no idea how good hair/nail/skin treatment feels. Bimbo is just a term that girls who try but cannot be pretty and men who want but cannot get the pretty girls, come up with.

I don't know why i wrote that entire paragraph. It's not how i feel and it's not even funny. It's like i feel strongly about it when I'm actually not. But i really wanna dye my hair teal and pink and be three shades whiter. Oh and i want to kiss before i turn 18 but it's like, impossible. There isn't a single human being within 9000 km radius.

And next year i want to come to like people. Not feel repulsed by the people in my class. Forgive them for being lame. Embrace motherfucking diversity. Not grudgingly.

Also for the people who hate me, i want to, for once in my life, give them a tight slap for real.before i turn 18 and get arrested for physical assault. Not just verbally or visually but actually moving my hand, slapping them and smiling right back. And step away before they an slap me back. As I'm saying this i have no one in mind, but they'll appear soon enough.

Also i want to get the belly button piercing i've always wanted. I kept going on and on about it but chicken that i am, I've never acted on it. And then after that I'm going to get a tattoo. Either with the Dongs or Kangli, or all of them. Poor things to have to be included in my Greater Plan. I think I'll just get something small on my hip bone or something, somewhere not really visible. Just knowing they are near me, in my private parts, is enough for me. I don't need to declare it to the world. And like, if ever they go get plastic surgery and they come to me and announce they are (eg:yifeng, cos he's the one most in need of it) i will make them strip so i can see the tattoo and confirm their identity. I got inspired from the show 200 pounds beauty where the fatass went to get a full body plastic surgery op and her friend made her strip to compare tattoos.

Also i wanna remind myself everyday that the mind is stronger than the heart. The reason why I'm so... volatile is because i always let my heart dictate. I should have taken the most straight foward, practical route, but no, i go in a circle of intensity, self pity and self destruction. And all for nothing. Now I'm going to be practical. My entire life. I'm going to accept that I am going to age irregardless of what i do, so why not make life easier for myself. I know i never want all that "maturity that comes with age" crap but look, i'm accepting it. embracing it even. because i am a revolutionary like Our Dear Leader. When i die imma make sure people wail for me too and burn themselves at the stake to join me. Just kidding. If i don't like you secretly and you burn yourself at the stake to join me, i will motherfucking kick the balls out of you in ghost world.

Sigh... I'm going to be 18.:( That's like half of my life gone.

Why is it so easy to fall in love but so difficult to fall out of it? I'm thinking of Zac Efron and that woman.... that old one (what's her name?) oh, Michelle Pfeiffer in the movie New Year's Eve. I mean, hell, it's magical, the entire day they spent together, but can it really work?? I really don't think so. Everything's going to fall apart someday like an emotional apocalypse and then what? Putting new year's resolution to work :check. I'm going to be the motherfucking epitome of introspective and practical and thinking before i act i tell you.

He was a Girl and She was a Boy (uhuh), can i make it anymore obvious?

2011-12-29T20:37:00.003+08:00

Dear Amoeba,

He was a microbe

She was a tranny

Can i make it anymore obvious?

She said he was

Extremely Asian

For implementing the 123 clause.

He said she was

Too damned pretty

She said, "Well then, so is Gandhi".

She's trapped in Singapore

He's stuck in the USA

And they were essentially strangers.

She planned to use spermicide

He tried to commit suicide

But even then it was not enough.

And then they talked

About everything

Everything except the wedding.

He really said

They should have four

Demons after he scored.

She said never

He said they would

Respect her, oh yes they would.

And then one time

They spoke of IKEA

And how they would outmismatch everyone.

He said they'd go:

"Why is that boy

Pretty like Gandhi?

Why is that girl dressed like a Saudi?"

When she moved house

He waited for her

A ludicrous seventeen hours.

He said he had

Waited for three days

Now he'd give anything to just see her face.

She said hey you

Don't remember my face

If you masturbate i'll beat you black and blue.

OK he said

Please bring it on

Third leg's pounding please let it go on and on.

All she could do

Was a facepalm

And then show him the middle finger.

He said that means

You wanna have sex

With me without spermicide.

She said with

With spermicide

She'd use the whole can till all his sperm died.

"You are evil

Killing all my DNA"

He said, "In your coochi why can't you let it stay?"

Can you just shut up now

Been tolerating you for a while

And now i want to chop off your dick.

If you have some sort of brain

You'll make sure that I refrain

From tearing out my scalp.

Several days

Went on and on

Both of them too far gone.

He knew every

Single thing about

Her and her smashing cult.

She knew that he

Was North Korean

And had a 4.1 GPA.

He knew she had

A freakshow circus

Dragon, Fossil and Biceps Girl.

She knew he had

A 5.8 inch

Which he rounded off to be 6.

But he knew everything

And she really did love him

So what was God going to do?

Well break them up of course

Destroying lives like a boss

Isn't that what God's job is?

She knew that she

Felt so damned guilty

When he told her he had a fever.

It was her fault

She admitted

To causing the fever and 3.5.

So unhealthy

This obsession

Impractical to say the least.

So then one day he said

Let's delete each other, girl

Let's disappear from each other's worlds.

She knew this was coming, yea

But then the heartbreak glare

Still threw her somewhat off her feet.

And then they returned

Miserable

Each dying in his/her own world.

And then one day

He said he can't

Pull off this whole ridiculous heartbreak stunt.

But she moved on

Took things in her stride

From reality we cannot hide.

Sincerely she feels that

There wasn't any regret

When she went and fell in love

Sorry it's not meant to be

But I'm glad we got chummy

You will be my friend forever.

She didn't set out

To know him so much

But then ended up touching each other's hearts.

Love,

Belvia

2011-12-24T16:26:00.000+08:00

Confession: I've written 5 posts or so but i didn't publish them because they sound so childish. And... the words weren't what i meant so. Anyway, i think i'm going to write something better today. I've never had words mess up my thoughts 5 times in a row before. Let's hope it's not that sixth time now.

Maybe 10 years later i will get the turbulence of being a teenager. I'm trying to understand it now but it seems... overdramatized the way i see it. I picture all of us standing on tectonic plates, the ground underneath our feet giving way, lava threatening to drown us in a fiery mess. And... whenever the ground below you shifts, you try looking for another to jump onto. And you think the one you saw is too far, that you'll never make it, but when you jump you always do. If you don't jump you will die because all of our worlds are volatile. It's not to say that nobody loves you or anything, but when you're what, 15? 17? you can't see that. In our worlds, we're alone. It's personal hell and we're the gatekeepers.

Everyday I'm fighting for my life. Maybe in 30 years i will slap my ungrateful child for ever saying she wants to live( i remember once when i quarreled with my mum and she exasperatedly ask me, "what you want now?" and i looked at her with intense hatred and hopelessness because i'm a good actress like that and said,"i want to live" and she looked at me like i was possessed. score one for me). But right now, i'm 17 and my world is full of demons. I can name a few offhand and all the adults here will scoff at the dramatization of all of it as a threat to my life. Age for one, threatens me. I'm not afraid of dying, I'm afraid of growing, learning things which would have been better left alone. And then there's monotony. It's scary. Then there's the threat of never fitting in, like, why the hell can people smile in conceited self-satisfaction, how can they smile when something isn't even funny? Is there a problem with me? Why can't i do whatever i want? If i have a religion then why is there less free will than if i didn't have one?

How long does it take to battle each of these demons?

At least i know I've subdued one. And that's love. It might sound... boastful to say that i think i have it under control but it's true. I try not to let it affect me for too long. I feel it intensely when it's there, i feel it's loss intensely when it's gone but i prefer it like that. Sometimes i want to believe there's a god, sometimes i feel like i want to kill myself, but i don't let it drag on. Maybe a day? Two? But there's so much more to life than love. You think you can die for someone and yes you can, but what for? There's so much of the world you don't know. Death arises from confusion, not sadness, i tell you. When I'm confused i feel suicidal but once i have my thoughts sorted out, i can feel sadness a thousand times over but i'm not suicidal anymore. And then the next step is to go like, so sad for what? and you're not anymore. There is so much more of the world we don't know. That's why we're all stuck in our own little hells, jumping from one tectonic plate to the next, never climbing towards a stable ground.

I don't believe in time, i believe in experience. We've got to try stuff, try getting burnt by that lava, and then we'll get out of there sooner.

Getting hurt always makes us stronger if you don't die from it. Always.

If you're real and I'm real and this is real,then what the hell is this.

2011-12-12T18:23:00.000+08:00

3am i'm awake
middle of the night
for goodness sake

pause for a while
threatened by consciousness
then i remember
10000 miles.

shit.
i want to sleep
instead i weep

so i can scare everyone
into thinking there's a ghost
and this is just too much fun

i'm in the room alone
trying to hide
from myself from the deafening silence
then i turn on the light

where am i.
oh, singapore
you better fucking lie.

what am i.
not there
how am i
in need of care
why am i
i don't know
who am i
unable to hold.

how is it
possible
that you are
in the world

i told you
didn't i
second day
don't want to die

what i must do
is not retell your jokes
wish you the best
and do some coke

karma's a bitch
shut up
i want to switch
my brain

i wish we were 40
when we met
so none of this
would ever get
out of control
enough
that money
cannot solve

time and distance
time and distance
killing us all
if you would just listen

it's not real
no it's not
no big deal
if i forgot

i deserve it
i asked for it
heartbreak hotel in a bit

yes it's silent
yes it's cold
didn't wait for christmas
to unfold

i can't decide
who has been the cruel one
we both died
when i said now
but you were the one
who taught me how

first you steel
that fragile heart
leave it to god
and then we part

forever is longer
than 50 years
stronger
than all my tears

give me a limit
there already is
you're already past it
you're already his

and then you're not
see, you told him
there was no god

see it was good
all along
to be a pessimistic atheist
at least you're strong

still an atheist
but on the verge of death
no salvation
no consolation wreath

i want to forget
i want to regret
i want him to have cheated on me
then smilingly say we're not meant to be
but not like that
i don't want to be free
amicably

the hardest part is when
he wishes you the best
tells you you are beautiful
when you know you'll be a mess

says everything will be fine
but who was the one who wrecked it
when you're no longer mine

says to lead our own lives
what life
how, at a pain degree greater than childbirth
can i survive

so i console myself
i'm collecting emotion
leave it to the mind
love is just a notion

2011-12-10T14:05:00.000+08:00

The worst thing about me, for me, is that i collect emotions. And it hurts so much. So damned much. If you're searching for porn and Belvia, I'm sorry. Buddha is right. Life is suffering. It's the best philosophy I've ever heard. Zen is to stop thinking. There is no god, still. Buddha is just a philosopher, not a god. Don't blame the heart for everything when it's in the brain. Love is strange. It's mindfuck. It's not emotion. If emotions are intangible then love is matter. It's a huge thing, too huge to be an emotion. Fucking mindfuck. I know it'll be good for e if i talked about it, but no. Ouch. Your name means healer. Of what? Maybe a month from now i'll figure it out. I'll figure it out in the cone of silence you leave me in.

2011-12-10T11:06:00.000+08:00

This sucks. There's something i want to talk about but then the Creators will know. This sucks.

Nevermind. I shall post about yesterday.
A fucking cicada fucking went into the lamp and kept banging against the lamp the entire night. Do insects have brains? Or do they just operate on instinct? Because if it's just instinct then God is motherfucking fucked up. Entered the fucking lamp. ENTER. as in trapped IN the lamp itself. What the fuck. All the fucking members in my house refused to help me catch it so i slept with this dumbass in my room, banging against the lamp loudly the whole night. it's not a fluttering. it's banging with it's dogdamned exoskeleton. I thought it would bang itself to death in the middle of the night and i felt a bit guilty but what can i do right. i cannot remove the lamp and anyway i wanted it to die in the first place.
This morning i woke up to its banging some more but the banging was getting fainter like all its energy was spent. I thought it would die in the lamp and then every night i would have to face the shadow of a dead cicada before i sleep. But no, that thing managed to come out of the lamp and it flew to my curtain and i don't know why i felt relieved that it wasn't dead. There's something... philosophical about cicadas for me, i don't know why. Maybe it was the way its wings beat... it wasn't a flutter but rather a hovering. It should front some Canon advert. Japanese farmers in the past made raincoats that mimic the cicada structure out of straw.

2011-12-05T16:21:00.000+08:00

I started writing this yesterday night but i couldn't continue. So then i tried again this morning and i started to cry. Now i'm transferring it here and i hope everyone who reads this cries too, little motherfuckers.

Today when i saw Jacky lying down in his box downstairs, he was so moody. He ignored me when i called him and he growled at me when i tried to pet him. I'm guessing it's because we had neglected him the entire month because everyone was so busy with moving house and now after we've moved he can't go upstairs because he can't climb the stairs and we can't possibly be attending to him every moment of the day. You see, he has this lame leg and when he tries to climb stairs, it hurts, i think, although he doesn't whine or anything. They say Jack Russels are renowned for their pain tolerance, but i don't want things to get to the point where the pain gets so unbearable that he finally breaks down. I don't know what to do. I want to save up for surgery but my grandma's friend's dog had surgery and died. I put him on a diet but he started vomitting gastric juice. There is no god.

When he looked at me with something like an accusation in his eyes, I saw the age in Jacky for the first time. He has always been a puppy in my eyes, bigger, fatter, clumsier, but I've never seen any age in him. Until yesterday, Jacky has always been the emblem of the words forever young, with all the beauty and foolishness that youth carries.

When I saw that relentless stubborness, that biting insecurity, I thought that nothing should have to live that old. It's not that Jacky is physically old, he's only 8. But he's breaking down, mind and body, and it hurts me so much to witness it. It's not just pity I feel. I feel helpless, I feel angry, I feel...like i want to protect him from everything but how? I can't. So I hug him and kill myself doing that. The tears start to fall and everyone's cleaning up in the kitchen so i wiped the tears away with some kind of defiance. Everytime i cry a part of me wants someone to see it and feel the same but the rational part always decides against it. If they saw me cry, my emotions would be reduced to 2 sentences of feeble explanations:" Jacky so poor thing. I don't want Jacky to die". But it's not just that, it's so much more.

But then i thought that even as I didn't want Jacky to age, I didn't want him to die either. It's a contradiction, I know. Then i thought, where did this part of me come from? I've always been so irritatingly practical, doing things that have to be done and stuff. The extremity of this quirk extends as far as my death; if i had to die, i would. But Jacky, why couldn't I let him go for his own good? Then i figured. It's because I love him for everything that he is. I love every part of him, his stinky butt, his rancid breath, his shedding fur, his love for small spaces that he can't fit into but always squeezes in anyway. Now i find that i love even his age, the biting insecurity and all. This is Jacky we're talking about, he's not just anyone. He's not something i can give up on, not in a second, a month or a million years.

So I told him. I told him I would love him no matter what, and that I'll love him forever and ever. I put my mouth against his ear and didn't say anything but my heart emanated these words with such strength and clarity I thought that I might burst. When these words came out it suddenly occurred to me that it's the surest thing in my life, that if there was anything i could believe in, it was that i really would love Jacky forever. Even after he dies. Even after I die. The whole world can end and I would still love him. I mean it.

I don't know if Jacky heard me but he turned around and looked at me with something like a "Really?" expression. So then I said "Really." and he turned back and i started crying again because I saw the baby in him again, in his "Really?" look. That... unquestionable trust and desire to please and make people happy suddenly replaced all that scheming insecurity and calculative stares. All the eight years melted in that second and if there was heaven, that was heaven. I'll never be a mom, and this is the closest to maternal pride I've ever been and will ever be.

When he heard me crying he turned around and licked my tears away and i felt like the world could be perfect if we only gave it a chance. I guess... when Jacky felt insecure, I did too. When he doubted my love for him, I guess I doubted his too. But he licked those tears away, like he always does. There's nothing to doubt, we've both been foolish but we've both been so possesive over each other's love that we started getting angry. I don't know if it's good or bad to be possesive, but I want it anyway, that means that we care enough to get angry at all.

Age is a scary, scary thing. It's... an imperceptible destruction. It's gentler than air, quieter than the night. It's so... subtle that one day when you fina'lly notice it, you've already lost a part of yourself, or that someone you love has already lost a part of themselves. It's no use fighting it, but i still wish there was some immunisation against age. I think... I think now the thing i fear most is age. It's not that I'm afraid I'd ever go to an old age home or waste away with cancer and stuff, it's... it's that deviation away from the prime in your life. I don't know if i can put it into words properly, but the higher you climb the further you fall and when... maybe at 20, you feel the happiest, you fall in love, you get married, 21 you have kids, when you're 50 your kids graduate from university, then what? What else is there to look foward to in life? I don't know. Grandchildren? But it's not the same. i don't want to get to that point. I don't want to feel that helplessness of having nothing to live for, of knowing a certain future that can never be as fantastic as what you've known before. That's why first loves are the cliched bests, because we've never known anything like it. And then it all goes downwards from there. And then kids become adults and they want grown-up "stability". When everyone knows that the rollercoaster ride you had at what, 12? 13? was the best thing that has ever happened to you.

When he was 1, he chewed up shoes. 2, he fucked a bear. 3, he was sterilized. 4, he made friends downstairs the block. 5, he became the best dog in the world and burned his nose on the lit candle of his birthday cake. 6 we sneaked him to the Botanic Gardens. 7 he changed. At 8 i wished that he could remain like this forever, forever trusting and wide-eyed at the world, unmarred by jadedness, untouched by age.

I fear the thing i can't protect him from. I fear age, and it's coming to get him, i know.

2011-12-01T04:03:00.000+08:00

I've been at this new house for a wretched 5 days(i think) now. I am so pathetic. I'm lying on the floor outside the toilet typing this at 3.30am.

I haven't had the time to write about it but now i'm going to kill myself doing that.

Ok, so everyday i'm fucking busy unpacking stuff and shit. and this motherfucker "grandma"(aka not my grandma. must be some fucking hobo come to live with us) keeps irritating the shit out of everyone. walk in walk out of the house doing nothing. nevermind, call her to help me punch holes in the worksheets also don't want. walao. i cannot just type this. next time if you see me ask me to demo for you. if you want to slap me, understand that my desire to slap her face until it caves in is 10000 times stronger. She was downstairs, doing nothing so i said she should come upstairs to help me. i kept calling her but she just pretended she could not hear. in the end i got damn angry and screamed and then she took her time to walk up and when she came up she looked like she was going to collapse from exhaustion. Don't be fooled, she's a master of pretense. Can cry with the snap of a finger one.Then she panted and said, "What you want? I was taking care of Jacky so he doesn't run out" And then she tried punching holes for a while and gave me that "fuck you" face and say the hole puncher totally useless. then she slammed it down. and i asked her to fuck off. Later at night i asked my maid what she was doing before coming up my maid said she wasn't doing anything at all. She was walking in and out and shouting,"cannot hear!" and my maid said,"cannot hear go upstairs la!" she still pretended she couldn't hear me. I told that old bitch she should go stay downstairs i dno why she keep insisting she wants to stay on the third floor. I mean, doesn't she hate me? She does lorh i tell you, she spat in our tea. All of us. BITCH!! i hate her i hate her i hate her. I cannot take it. Maybe i'll surrender first and go live at the first floor so as not to see her fucking face. Ugly inside and out. So angry. How can a grandma be so bad? And she not only doesn't wna help us, she told my maid she cannot help cos if i vacuum then she mop my maid got nothing to do. what. everyone got damn a lot of things to do except her.And she will take her phone go to the third floor and call her contacts( most often her sis my grandaunt) to complain about us. i don't care if she's just complaining about me, like, she can say i'm a beast(yao1 siu3) or what, demon child,i don't care because if i am all the better, fuck off go live at the first floor la! But how can she complain about my dad? She's damn bad to him, like she say he so tired and everything is he deserve it buut he know she gastric still try to rush everywhere to buy the medicine for her. I just asked her to shut up and go to sleep. Bitch. Old ugly bitch. I want her to live at the first floor cos jacky has some leg problem then she's the one in charge of sleeping in the same room as him because she was the one who made my dad buy him so if she sleep at the first floor jacky won't have to climb up and down the stairs. Now that there's this problem she wants me to be in charge of jacky. Last time she said i was useless, cannot wake up when he wants to pee. suddenly all that can change just cos she has this problem. Bloody bitch. She's sleeping right now. I have the intense urge to kill her in her sleep. INTENSE. i could blame the murder on jacky, since he won't be charged anyway.

Leave your comments about the UOB( ugly old bitch) in the cbox. and tell me about your nice grandmas so i can be angrier and indignant

2011-11-24T22:44:00.002+08:00

Correction: i don't hate asian people. i hate singaporean people because they're so boring. i can't say anymore.

2011-11-23T20:12:00.000+08:00

It's not that i hate asian people. it's just that singaporeans are so boring.

I say i hate children

You say we should have four

I say they are demons

You say they'll fucking respect me wtf.

i'm sorry my jaded side, my name that means practical, my country, i'm sorry. i think i'm in love and the first thing i want to do is sell a porn tape. (obviously incoherent right now)

what i've been up to these days

2011-11-16T21:25:00.001+08:00

What I've Been Up To This Days:

Nothing! Really! I swear!(on a god that i don't even believe in.)

2011-11-12T16:50:00.000+08:00

is it vain if i hope someone can just read my blog and fall in love with me? yea, it's vain, whatever. but it's the perfectest way ever. like, people always ask me( or maybe it's those voices in my head) where i want to meet my boyfriend.

two choices: the blog or a theme park.

the blog because then he'd like me for who i really am. i know, everyday i'm so... weird, so... "something special, something new" but... somehow... it's not like that. I refuse to be stereotyped. mostly because i don't accurately fit into any stereotype. the PARIAH stereotype? nope, not freakish enough. plus i have friends, so, it doesn't count. the PLASTICS? nope, haven't had sex yet. plus, not bitchy enough. the POET club? nope, no musical talent, not deathly emotional, and also don't have the power of sex to make a full blown epic romance. also, do not kknow where to purchase poisons.

but i guess if someone really fell in love with me from reading my blog, then he'd put me into a compartment in his heart, stereotyping me in a way, but a good way.

ok, what the fuck am i saying? i don't know.

the theme park because that's where i'd like to have my first date, so why not just... plunge into it? like, the very second we meet, then and there, first date. yay!!! given i'll have a short lifespan, better make good use of time. i want to go back to universal studios in usa. perefct weather and when the sky became dark the whole place was like... a wonderland. seriously. it was so damned beautiful i wanted to run away from my parents and just get lost there. I know this sounds stupid but then and there i wished i had a boyfriend. i wished we hid ourselves in the themepark that night where no one could find us and just lose our virginities there. i fantasized about grabbing an angmoh boy off the street but of course i didn't do that. sigh. should have. i want to live in usa forever and ever and ever. i don't even like britain, where everyone's so... anal and stuckup. i feel like the people in usa understand me, like they like my wild ways, like i like theirs.

yesterday alone in the train i thought i should probably tell my boyfriend one day that i'm racist. but the envisioned conversation didn't take place very well. it went like:

me:"i have a confession to make. ... i'm racist."
boyfriend:"what? what do you mean you're racist? like chu hate black men and stuff?! if that's it gurl, we're over"
me:"no no! i mean, i hate asian guys"
boyfriend:" why didn't you say so at first girl? got me in a panic for noth'. come here and let me show you what my big black dick can do"

okay! wrong track, so i tried again.

second self-conversation:

me: i have a confession to make. ... i'm racist"
boyfriend:" what do you mean you're racist?"
me:" i hate asian dudes. i simply cannot accept an asian dude for a boyfriend."
boyfriend:" oh."
me:" i think that's why i never had a boyfriend for so long, like, since i was 12"
boyfriend: " do you hate them like, truly totally hate them? cos i have asian friends and i don't want you to freak out with racist slogans in their presence"
me:"of course i won't! it's not like, i hate them to death. i just... i don't like to be asian mysself"
boyfriend:"why?"
me:"i don't know. the mind and the body doesn't resonate i guess. that's why it had to be you. you're beautiful, your blue eyes, your effortlessly tousled hair. everything. even your freckles and pasty skin."
boyfriend:" so you like me for my looks? how much more shallow can you get? we're over!"
me:"no! it's not that! i feel like you'd understand me. like, you wouldn't tie me down with baby-bearing duties and that shit. you wouldn't mock me if i told you one day that i intend to be a writer and survive from hand to mouth. "

but he'd have already gone out the door. leaving me alone with the damned mortgage. :'(

i don't understand how people get together in singapore. i can't find any romance in this city at all,not in this hotter-than-hell weather, or these bloody practical shopping malls or these smaller than a virgin's cunt parks. everything here is so... rid of adventure, so... safe. till i don't even feel like i have the need to cling on to anyone for anything.

one day i'll just die in my own misery because i don't have any flirting experience/ skill at all. and one day when the perfect person comes along, i'll act like the total opposite of myself. i'll be totally silent and demure and he won't like it because that's not how i am really. he'd like me for me, but i just can't show it. and then like, my auditioning chance is over and i'll be alone forever.

this rainy weather is getting me down. i'm going to bathe.

2011-11-09T21:30:00.000+08:00

Fucking good.

The story was DAMN, DAMN good. i thought it was an incestuous affair between a brother and a sister, or that the brother was super fucked up and wanted to make his sister go mad too but no. walao. it's just damn good. go read the book. The Einstein Girl by Philip Sington.

When i was young and effectively zero-lingual to come up with any racist jokes

2011-11-09T04:16:00.000+08:00

He liked me. He said that himself. He followed me around everyday even though i wasn't exactly...you know...not hated at all by almost everyone?

His name was Kishaf . I don't know how to spell it but i'll never forget that name. I think he was my first real friend in childcare (aka Military Boot Camp). Everyone else at Military Boot Camp was your friend only on your birthday, when there was cake for everyone, no matter how much you hated them. I said before that i was concerned with social ranking in primary school; it must have been the remnants of the traumatic episode from Military Boot Camp.

Okay, anyway his name was Kishaf.

The things i can remember about him:

he folded his "blanket"( which was really the towel we used for bathing.yea, sometimes it was wet. stupid childcare. even the term childcare is irnoic because there was certainly monsters there and not much care) before nap time. I was the only other person i knew who did that. ZMostly because i couldn't sleep. i remember i folded my towel into an envelope shape once and thought i was such a genius. I made him wake up to see it.
he, and another guy i whose name i thin was Jody,and i, we formed the pariah group. And i remember very clearly the three of us standing in front of this giant fan and opening our mouths extremely wide and making inaudible sounds warped by the movement of the fan. We're not pariahs for nothing. The teacher came and threatened us by saying our tongues would be sliced off. Oh, how perfect a way to encourage adventurous learning!
He lived in the same block as I did. And when i was in primary 3, i suddenly felt the strong urge to find him. I raced up and down the entire block ringing doorbells. And my last memory about him was that the new tenant told me he'd moved away long ago.

At 4? 5? years old, i was a really depraved kid, not that i'd realised at that time. Both my parents were working and they left me at my grandma's house. I attended Military Boot Camp because truancy was unheard of last time. My grandma cooked the most horrible food, as i remember. It wasn't that it tasted horrible. It was more like the whole damned house was fucking unhygienic. There was alsways the smell of old people, and stuff breaking. I don't know. I felt like the place was infested with a lot of stuff. It was the NJ of my childhood.

Other people had moms that made them cookies almost every sunday. There wasn't one weekend where not at least one mum was baking up stuff i'll never learn how to. I made friends with my grandma's friends, people with one foot in their coffins already and we got along just fine. But my... neglect must have been quite obvious to the mums-who-baked-cookies families. So i got invited to the cookie-making sessions, lucky me. Once with Kishaf and another time with my next door neighbour whose son was drop-dead gorgeous. They're malay-chinese-muslims. Kishaf's indian.

That'a all that i can remember about him, which is quite pathetic. I've always thought this name, Kishaf sounded really cute. Like a child's lisp. And i still remember his chubby face and those huge eyes. I've always been the leader of the pariah team for reasons unknown because i couldn't even speak english. I think maybe it's those huge eyes that makes it impossible for him to intimidate anyone. Jody was just someone who didn't like leading. We came up with a few loserly fun stuff to do though. Oh oh, i remember i was the one who uncovered some tracing book thing.It was a pokemon tracing book and i remember that i chose to colour/trace bloom, the stink-bomb pokemon. And kishaf kept irritating me to finish colouring faster. i just ignored him.

I think if i hadn't known Kishaf, i wouldn't be forming coherent sentences right now. All that bullying in Military Boot Camp would have made me snapped. I'd become one of those Dracula children, biting everything and everyone until i draw blood. We might not have been friends of virtue, because i obviously treated him as a friend of pleasure, but i'll be eternally grateful to him.In some way, i think he saved me. Children are impressionable. Without him i think i would have been jaded and a schizophrenic at 5. I hope i see him on the streets someday and immediately recognise him. I'm not beyond dating him either, fat, thin, or sex-god just-right.

2011-11-09T03:22:00.000+08:00

It's the dead of the night. I don't have to go to school till 1 tomorrow. I've had a few new things happening in my life, if you make concessions for the definition of new.

New house.

This whole new house business has me very... agitated. I hate it. There're so many... (i shall just call it) connotations that i had. Too many despisable second-meanings. And the damn fucking irony of upgrading but actually really downgrading.
I was thinking in the shower/ mental therapy today why the fuck are all those pretentious terrace houses located in obviously undesirable neighbourhoods. Look, Christine's house in Yio Chu Kang is away from a lot of civilisation and the walkways have plants that KILL. Bukit Timah has a ton of such pretntious houses too. And they are not located near malls or anything CONVENIENT at all. No, they're located 10000 miles away from a shop, 9000 miles away from an mrt station and 8000 miles away from a bus stop. What is the fucking point of living in these damned houses if you take so long to come home you just flop into bed and die until the next morning and you won't even feel like showering or masturbating, heck no, you just want to die another day. AGITATED.
Obviously all those "rich" people think that what, "tranquility" and "being away from the "hustle and bustle" of the crowds" (hustle and bustle got extra open-inverted commas because it's just so fucking fucking pretentious until i wna die) is the most important thing in the world are FUCKING STUPID. My new hoouse may have brought me away from "hustle and bustle" but it broought me closer to sheng siong, prime supermarket, gek poh, "hustle and bustle" of chinamenfuckingchinawomen(yea, their bodies are conjoined fucking so it's one word) and it has made us poorer. I have to take another bus. I got poorer inconveniencing myself. The fatherfucker who caused this whole shit is my mom. They tell me that it's because the prices of HDB flats are dropping like crazy but frankly, i really don't believe it. I think it's because she's always wanted to live in a terrace/ bungalow, the PRESTIGE OH THE MOTHERFUCKING PRESTIGE!
Fuck, i really really hate it. I hate this whole... class divide, income-gap shit. I don't want to be a terrace-dwelling pompous idiot. I just want to live here, where we don't need to pretend like we're some upper class freaks, where we don't have to socialise with neighbours who are professors (no kidding. they actually want to live in jurong wtf) and where my maid doesn't have to hang laundry on cheapass-looking plastic/metal standing laundry poles. It's so fucking distassteful. When i see people living in less than $3 million bungalows, i think their place always looks like a slum. Mine is just a mere $1.2 million. It will most probably look like a SHANTY.
Who's up for slumdog housewarming? House burning more like it.
I want to clarify that i am no patriot. I'm not the "HDB rockszzz!!!" kinda person. I just... I hate the distinction! If everyone live in grounded houses like they do in the US I think I'd have no problem with that. But even then, you know me, I'd rather live downtown than uptown. I hate the white-bread world, hate being an uptown girl. And now I'm not even some motherfucking uptown girl. I'm caught in-between, which is like, the most intensely pretentious rung on the society's scale. Like, obviously cannot make it people trying to be rich and luxurious, but not necessarily rich.
You know whenever my mom and i shop for furniture, and she chooses some opulent leather-upholstered chair or something, I'd tell her to forget about it, because were not that kind of people. We're not high society. And that's exactly how i feel about the new house, stop pretending!

      2. A book

It's called The Einstein Girl by Philip Sington was his name i think. It's written in the perspective of a doctor called Kirsch but it's all about this.. einstein girl. The doctor was engaged to a woman (normal high society pretentious boring) but i had a sense he didn't love her. Being engaged was the duty of a man in his 30s in guess, in those days. Anyway, he lived alone (old-fashioned people do not cohabit even after engagement, i think? Quirk. That's why they have old people's smells) and one day he went out to a beer hall to drink because he was bored. And he saw this girl who walked into puddles instead of stepping around them like other normal, pretentious, boring women. He was fascinated. He followed her. He asked her for a dance. Her name was Elisabeth. Fast foward and she was discovered nearly drowned and fully naked in a lake. She has amnesia. She doesn't remember anything. He was a psychiatrist. He became her doctor. Turns out she was Einsteins daughter, albeit a bastard. She was adopted by a Serbian couple i think? I haven't finished the story yet.

There was a historical note at the end saying that Einstein did indeed have a daugher; she was retarded. He also had a schizophrnic son whom he left behind in Germany or something while he escpaed with his wife to America. Because Einstein was a Jew. His son Eduard was subjected to a lot of those... mental-cleansing exercises. Because Eugenics was very popular in those Nazi days. He went through the electric shock stuff and a lot of other crap while Einstein was being accorded the highest accolade a scientist could ever want. What shitty E=mc^2. I say go to hell. He must have been born without a heart. Or maybe that was what he wanted. Einstein once said that emotions wearied the mind, and that to see clearly, one should not feel. I feel ashamed that he was so highly regarded and i think i see it very clearly. What's the point of being a great scientist if you can't be a passable human being? He made the damn atomic bomb and he claimed he was a pacifist. Gosh i am so angry at this fucker i cant really speak.

Okay, anyway back to the story. I think it's... I think it take a lot of melancholy to write about madenss. Because to examine madness is a depressing thing in itself, done only by people filled with a lot of negative feelings. Indignance that screams to be given way to anger, or sadness that wants to be prolonged. Madness is a sort of freedom in itself but being around madness... it's unspeakable imprisonment. But writers don't write for fame i think. They write for some sort of release, his dad was an industrial chemist, his mum worked in British Intelligence. With parents that outstending, you'd be expected to be somehing more than a journalist. But no, he had to have these... comparatively lofty occupations of writing. I know what('s) up with all these civil servants. They want their children to "make it in life" and when they don't, it's like the sky crashes."make it" in their own terms, that is. Gosh, i hate civil servants.

    3.Spider solitaire
I've played spider solitaire for a long time. My mum (the one who ruined my life with te new house) tells me that only dirty old men play this kind of games and at the end there will be some girl that strips if they win. I have never seen any stripper at the end of any spider solitaire game before, and i have a win percentage of like, 80% or something. Recently i started playing the most difficult level, it's the one with 4 suits. Thoroughly mind-boggling. But i just won my first match!! 200 over moves, that's like 4 times the number of moves i use for the 2 sits one. ok, you don't care.

    4. School
I don't want people i like to get retained! That idiot Jiacheng should be the one to be retaained. I don't know why i hate him so much. He hasn't really done anything to me but his very presence on the face of this earth just feels like the sound of styrofoam being scratched, or some metal scratching glass. The sort of things that make you want to break your own spinal cord and DIE.

   5. I feel like I'm ready to talk about more... love affairs. I need these things in my life, these whimsical thouhts. I nver knew I needed them like life-support, until i came to NJ. I guess i won't cope well in the real world. Because my solution to a lot of problems is excapism. It's a fine line between that and madness, and one day i know i'm just going to cross it, if i'm not already dead by then.

2011-11-04T00:20:00.000+08:00

I just unearthed some artefacts trying to look for my horoscope books. I was doing my nails and i wanted to draw all the star signs, one on each nail but then i only had 10 so i decided to eliminate virgo. i hate virgo people. and i was still deciding which other one to eliminate but then i found my artefacts. Don't need to do nails already. Crippled by emotion.

I found my biodata( i think even the term is prehistoric) way back from primary 6. And i just asked people to write in it even when i was in sec 1 but then i stopped in sec 2. I don't now why. Anyway... it was... some sort of revelation. I don't know how anyone can sob while reading that so many people called her humourous.

It's something, something about the way we were all so... foolish and childish. I used to hate it when people called me childish. I remember Delvin and Sideeq KEPT calling me childish and "to grow up". Whenever i heard that i felt like my head could explode. I was like, fuck you! we're only 12 what's all this about growing up and all that shit you all think you are very experienced and worldly then go suck your dicks la! But look where i am now and where the are. They're already jaded. Im still learning everything about this world. Learning that nothing is ever, ever impossible. Not love, not hate, not aids, not god, not anything. I mean, i even put some possibility on the most impossible thing-God. What else is impossible? God is the most sadistic thing ever if it ever exists. More Hitler than Hitler. He banished Adam and Eve from Eden for so long, he condemned Lucifer forever, killed too many things, propagated too many wrong ideals. Lucifer only wanted a chance to prove himself why won't God just let him try? If God thought it wasn't good enough he could tell him to improve and it'd be a joint partnership but no, God had to banish him. Deny him any chance. Because God is a bloody authoritarian. God was to be the supreme leader like that bloody kim jong il. God is crap. But still i say that shit may exist. Maybe one day he'll look me in the eyes, smile evilly and say,"You're doomed because i hate you. You'll burn in hell forever with that damned Lucifer. Drink your own pee, eat your own shit, you'll never be sane again." And i'll look back at him and i'll say, " You are the vilest scum ever. You are the crazy one. I hate you too. You are a big fat masturbator.You can mindfuck everyone to have sex with you but you'll never be attractve by yourself. You have to rely on mindfuck, what a loser!"

Ok, anyway i was talking about the biodata. I saw Kangli wrote to me that she was thankful to have me as a friend because i gave her courage when she gave up hope and for being there for her. She described herself as the "next-to-door-girl" wtf. haha! next to door! hahahaha!!!Her craving/ wishes : at #04: "HIM" wtf. who is HIM?!! Shijie?!!! Or what! hahaha!!!! #08:be a vet #09: be a singer #10: Be a doctor #11: Be a lawyer. Seriuosly???!!! you have no affinity with animals, seriously. my dog didn't really like you at first remember? he was like, fuck off, bitch! Your voice SUCKS. Remember when we sang At The Beginning? Your voice was so fucking damned off-key i had to shut up so no one would mistake your voice for mine and ruin my reputation. If you were a doctor, I'll make sure i don't fall sick because you've admitted to digging your nose in your free time. If you're a lawyer i'm never going to be firneds with you anymore. So to achieve #)&:Friends forever with you and all the others, you have to give up #11. And it's damn stupid that you put "Be who i wanna be" at #14. Seriously, you rather be vet/singer/doctor/lawyer than who you wanna be? crazy. You wanna be a prostitute? Just go out there and shake that thang! And wtf you wna see the pope for what shit?! He's a bloody asshole just taking too much salary and giving advice that i can give you. And you also wna convert your parents to christian? Honeychild, you're fucked. And you hated homework, revising,Mr Isudin(yucks, fuckeric-seriously, you said that),Shilling(who the fuck is that???!!!)

Dear Kangli, i love you like crazy. You know that. You even asked me not to marry some barbarian in a cave, you say my cheebai will crack and i can't believe I'm fucking crying but i am. But I'm not supposed to be! I'm ovulating! That's when strippers earn the most money and women are most happy not in that order! What the hell, Kangli, i love you. You used to be the dreamy one, but now I'm the dreamy one, albeit not in cheesy "castleanya" not like you. You say I'm always there for you but I think you've done so much more for me. If we were objects I'd be a toy and you'll always have fun with me. But you'd be a mirror and whenever I'm with you it'd be like looking at my reflection and finding something new. A zit or something that I'd pop. You make me a better person. Seriously. So you became Christian and I became godless. But at least you can't burn my church down because I don't have one. Friends forever! As long as you're still straight.

I just saw Xinpei's page and she specifically circled the u in crush and said crush not crash. I guess i said that she crashed on people last time and thought it was damn funny. Loser. Ha! She indicated Jingsong as whatevas in her friendship chart! haha!!

KANGLI AND XINPEI LIKED JINSONG BEFORE. BROADCAST BROADCAST. They're Mrs Mrs Oh my god that Britney's shameless.

I noticed there're all these fucking cheesy shortforms in my book. Glad to bi (be) what the fuck. fwens. And everyone's favourite food is fast food. what the fuck. Makes everyone sound like pigs. I want food! FAST! CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP!!! Ew everyone thanked me for letting them write in the book like it's something exclusive. Ew no! I just want them to write only what! why must thank! Somemore is they take the effort to write. Ironic. Guuess i was POPULAR!

Like, alomost everyone hated boiz(yea, Look here, big BOI!) but oh my god! Look who they're all screwing right now? BIG BOIS. hahahaha!!! losers oh my gosh twelve year olds should go to hell and reemerge like, at least 3 years later. what the hell. Tseyin's friendship chart had SLEEK PLATINUM. Walao! how much more loser can we all be? What the hell, she also said i marry a barbarian and cracked my cheebai! what the hell! i don't even remember the joke already!!! She also said the barbarian had a car crash cos he ad a crush on me! what type of joke is this la! what the hell! Zhikang is it? But i still find it funny even though I've become cool.

Dear Tseyin, I can remember how you said the joke. We were in class. Global warming hadn't haunted us yet. The day was beautiful. I wanted to be outside but I'm stuck in class. The bell rang and lesson's over. I walked over to your seat. You were sitting with GABRIEL. whom you have a history with(if you know what i mean) . Pyaie Soan smelled like urine. And then you said it and i couldn't stop laughing for like, weeks or something. And we hated Darren like crazy. I'm sorry i punched you. I'm sorry we're not close anymore. I don't know what happened.

And lixin, she said that she hasn't known me for long but "hope our freidnship would take to a greater height". hahahaha!!! what the fuck! take to a greater height????!!! hahahahahahaha!!! okay la, take to a greater height already, happy? wanna jump down from that great height into the arms of brandon whose bones will be crushed by you? Whose distinct skeleton would be totally severly dislocated in all the joints? hahaha! Somemore what call me study hard. jai you wor! how hard? as hard as a black man's dick???

And Qihui called herself bloody aloka last time what the hell. She said she hate 1/2 tremendously but like me kl and lixin a lot but i guess not now. She hates me. She "say i am a true ppl" but still hate me. Yea, i know all about it. And last time you and lixin liked ziliang. You liked him 70% and lixin liked him 80%. WHAT THE HELL. SOCIAL SUICIDE. you hate wenxuan, said he was a playboy. Weird, then how come you liked this PARTICULAR CURLY-HAIRED MONSTER AT SOME POINT IN YOUR LIFE? omigosh. i am a true people. so i don't mince my words man. can't bear to lose me? who the hell are you kidding? You said i'm irritating and what else?i forgot alreaady but that's not the pint the point is you hate me. i don't hate you but i'm obliged to dislike you. phantasmagoria,insecticide,homophobia, don't try to outgenerate 4 or more syllable words.

Yanting and i were home econs partners! no wonder i liked home econs in the first half of the year but that beautiful memory was totally erased when that horrific stanley pai used the damned chopstick to stuff the damn orange down the damned sink when i was forced to be his partner in the second half of the year. Sorry yanting, to forget you but the second half of the year's memory was so so so disturbing. You got to stay with nice people. I got fucking stanley. You got bay jin wee. Not that i like him or what, but i think the stuff will turn out edible at least, or at the very least, still exist instead of being stuffed down the drain. You said " hope that the food we made after each lesson is better than before". guess that didn't happen to me. i really hated partnering with stanley. I remember we always had such genius ideas on how to make our stuff better. but stanley just make everything damn shit.

Magdelene wrote a bunch of lame stuff and instructed me to laugh like i've never laughed before after she signed off. Am i just supposed to laugh at the absurdity of this? Anyway we're not even talking anymore. She kicked me in the boob before when we were wrestling on the bed during gb. i felt damn weeird wrsetling with her, like some lesbian fight then i wanted out and she just kicked me. I love grudges.

Hahah! Tianli wrote in my book and she listed Leonard Tan Boon Heong (as in his full name) as the person she hated the most. She said he sucks like hell. she say not me

I wish we were stuck in P6. It's when so many things were right and i imagined myself to be marrying that barbarian who had a car crash because he had a crush on me. It was the only time i believed in destiny being written down by some higher being. Sec 1 was about losing it all and starting over like recycled paper. Never quite the same, but never quite complete. I'm still incomplete. But I guess I'm that piece of recycled paper with words on it. Flowy, blindingly gorgeous handwriting. somewhat refined but not quite as innocently white. If anyone can find beauty in this imperfection.

I don't cry for all the what could have beens. I cry because it's never coming back. It was like some roller caoster ride i can never tire of. Is it possible for anyone i've ever known to forget me? I guess so. But so what, it's just me. I'm quite happy with the way i turned out even if some people aren't. I hope the people who matter to me the most can stay with me forever but it's impossible. I should marry all of them, isn't that the way to keep something forever?

2011-11-02T22:01:00.000+08:00

Today, i realised that i hate hate hate hate hate giving out phone numbers. Especially to people who I've liked before but didn't want anything to happen and in the end really never happen and who i thought i've gotten completely over but you know with that kind of things there's never such a thing as completely over, who're you kidding.

Anyway, i hate giving out my damned phone number. or having people's phone number. Because i don't trust them not to make me like them again. And i don't trust myself to not stare at the damned number and contemplate texting them or something and when i eventually succumb or some shit it will not be pretty.

It's not that i'm prissy or whatever shit. I just cannot actively pursue people. It's a doomed case. My maid told me before that ladies should be pursued and not be the one pursuing(of course in not so good english. She said it like, don't go after the man! don't so gatal! gatal is malay for cheap)

At first i just scoffed at it. I was like, this is the 21st century man! i shall grab a man off the streets and tell him i love him and he'll love me back, just you see. But of course it doesn't happen like that. For all my literary vulgarity and a lot more of my other nonsense, i cannot, for the life of me, spit out that damned phrase without choking to death. When you fall so hopelessly in love with someone and you're killing yourself everyday all you want is to pass that godamned misery over to him by telling him you love him. But no, i couldn't say i love you to save myself from severe mutilation by Japanese troops. I think i wouldn't rather have a stake shoved up my cheebai than to say i love you but i think i'd sooner be discovered with a stake shoved up my cheebai than say i love you.

I just can't say it. I'd rather confess to a murder.

2011-10-23T00:00:00.001+08:00

i am finally fucking posting. I wanted to post for so so long but my compueter went crazy on it. It was like, "fuck you bitch! I'm not gonna work. So whatcha gonna do huh." and i was like, " imma gonna give you a kick" and it was like, "okay, imma gonna die." So it did. whatever. i hate you computer. Didn't like it enough to give it a name but now i will. It's called Fucker. Fucker the computer is now on the lappy defibrillator. As in, I'm plugged in to the cables of the comp and the broadband thingy that isn't against me. Typing on Fucker's old keyboard and using Fucker's speakers. Lappy is sitting in front of Fucker. Fucker's dead body is a looming presence over my and lappy's happy existance but imma not motherfucking caring.

OK. So, i just wanted to say everything in one straight line. peoplehavediscoveredthisblog.icannotwritewithoutknowingthatpeopleinthemotherfuckingunhygienic,spastic,doommingschoolarelookingiamgoingtobejudged.

But i think i shan't care. So what if you search my name and the word porn in google and this blog appears? So what if you type fucker into the search engine a hundred times and the link to this blog appears. i don't care. I've never cared. Nothing's going to change.

Breathe slow, count from one to ten with my eyes closed 'cause ladies take it in and get composed-oh-oh-oh-sure ladies never lose compo-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-sure.

I wrote it on the wall of my one super-irritated friend. I don't know how she felt but it must have been something along the lines of more irritated.

I don't know why but i always want more people from exotic countries to read this place. I'm crazy. I'd rather1 Saudi Arabian read this blog than 99999 more Singaporeans. I don't know why. There must be something inherently wrong with me. Today i just casually told my maid that i hate singapore because we cannot bring my dog to malls or really, anywhere at all except the lameass park and botanic gardens and other nature places. My dog's really pitiful. How would you feel if your whole life you've only been around 5km radius of your house? It's like bloody house arrest.You kow why? Because we have to care about the damned opinions of all those damned muslims who think dogs are the devil's incarnate. They then motherfucking devil's incarnate. I don't hate all of them, i mean, some of them actually kind of like my dog but it's those stupid,stupid rules they have to follow. walao. Because of those rules they'd rather treat my dog like the plague than admit they want to touch it. I say religion is a meme. It's already fucking old. Just give up on it. Nobody likes you. at least i don't. And that's the most important thing in the world innit?

no,but seriously, islam is the most retarded religion. I'm not saying this without reason. All the rules they impose, they don't explain properly.Like why women have to be super veiled up while men can rape them and then claim the women seduce with their eyes and get away with it. Is it because Allah hates women? Would it be better if they deported all the islamic women to other countries and left all the islamic men in the Middle East so they can only look at porn and masturbate? would that make them happy? And would they be happier if all the pigs and dogs died, leaving only cockroaches and ants and lizards in the world along with deadly stuffs like snakes, vipers, crocs etc? They should put me and an islamic cleric in adjoining cages. No violence but i'd talk him out of his faith and seeing he has effectively lost his job and fith, he'd kill himself. It's a wrestling competition of sorts. Total USA viewership guaranteed.

I just finished PW. This will not appeal to people of above mentioned exotic countries but I'm trying not to be so... inexplicable. Sigh. I'm a contradiction. I hate this country but I think only this country understands my sense of humour. Sometimes i lie awake at night thinking about all the foreign people feeling repulsed by me.

In America: "You fucking Asian hoe! You're not funny! Get the hell out of here and stop laughing like a derp!"

In Africa:"Kiss kiss make love! Oh! Ew! Yo pussy too small. Me gone haveta call tha masta killa to cut chu up!"

In Ireland:" You're in love with Shane Filan? Oh no you don't break up families you bloody Asian prostitute. Take your dirty little cunt somewhere else in China!"

In Poland:" EAT! EAT ALL THE FISH!!!! What?! You hate fish? Then you have no right to remain in our country! Get out of here or i'll shove that swordfish into your small slitty eyes!"

In Saudi Arabia/Pakistan/Libya etc etc: "OH small pussy i like. Fuck fuckl fuck small pussy! Shut up, stop screaming you cheap babi eater! No, start screaming again actually, i like hear you in pain!! Allahu allah!!"

In Papua New Guinea: "Yellow meat? Never tried that before? maybe it'd be tastier than white meat, let's try it!"

I think only in Singapore do people just frown at me and eat other creatures and rape other stuff instead of me.

Ok, anyway i was doing PW. I think i suck. But i can't decide if i like it or not. I don't like it because i suck at it and it's just too much work. I like it because it brought at least 5 people in my class closer together. I think f it were not for PW I would have just gone about my life ignoring Xinyi,Christine,Xianzhe and Veldas forever. Like, just hi-bye friends. But now i think there's some sort of connection, like some bond or something. Maybe it's just me feeling like that and the rest of the people still hate me. No, actually i really don't think so. I think we really are closer. I feel suddenly elated at this revelation because somehow my lfe has a bit more hope. I don't know what to say, just that I'm very happy.

I wish people didn't go about their whole lives being strangers. But rather strangers than hi-bye friends. Like...say me and Yi-an or Meiyin(the one still in our school). It's not like we have nothing to talk about. Have, like Junleong or other bombotic stuff. But i think it just needs a lot more time. I really don't feel comfortable talking to people i don't really know and i just give up on conversation altogether. Like Janice. Even after so long i still don't really know her. She doesn't really talk a lot or stuff. I'm not that great a conversationalist actually because i need it to be both ways. Entertaining one-way is really difficult. I think I'm not cut out to be a celebrity. Because when I'm sad i want everyone to respond to it. If i perform to a crowd of wide-eyed audience, in my mind i will just scorn them. I'm selfish. I want epople to understand me. But the thing is, i spend a lot a lot of time trying to understand people. Sometimes in the dead of the night some random person will pop into my head and i'll start thinking about what they're really like. What's the side that i don't see. Sometimes even people that go as far back as when i was 7. i wonder about my aunts and uncles and people i've lost touch with or have never ever touched at all and of course, the people that have touched my life the most. I wonder why not everyone wonders. It's so important.

I kind of feel apologetic to Veldas. I'm thinking if i screwed up my PW part. I don't know why but i think it's so super important not because it's an exam or something but because i feel i owe it to the group. i didn't give a heck about my PI. I wanted to type because i felt like my life was doomed this way or that in that shitass school but i immediately felt my mood drop so so so low saying that so i couldn't finish that sentece. I'm worrying if the mental conditioning Yiting mentioned is true. I shall stop complaining about my plight. But that doesn't m,ean I've ceased to hate it. I just hate it silently and with a deathly vengeance.

No failed love stories for a while. I'm thinking of stuff that i can say aand cannot say and what will make me their mortal enemy. Sigh. This little failed love storytelling project may have to drag into my 30s or something, when we finally drift so far apart that i can safely tell all of Saudi arabia, iraq,pakistan,philippine etc that i've loved him beofre. like a stupid, stupid bridget jones. out of reach, so far, i never had your heart. in my reach, i can see, there's a life out there for me. but i was, so confused,my heart's bruised, was i ever loved by you?( it's a song called out of reach in the bridget jones' soundtrack)

okay. i'm going to try to write the script now. i thought the words would find themselves but no. sigh. stop sighing. ROAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RNNNNNGGG!!!!!!

Michelangelo's father hated him because his father thought he failed him by not being a carpenter but a "worthless" painter. Since time immemorial artists have been thought to have worthless professions. Even with the highest accolade, feelings, intangible feelings, should not be that big a part of our lives, and why? His dad wrote a lot of hate letters to him and sometimes he would just ask his dad to stop sending them because it brought him too much grief but still he just siad,"Everything i do, I do it for your love". WHY? why? I'll be wonderig about Michelangelo before i sleep.

2011-10-10T21:44:00.000+08:00

I've got a lot of stuff to say but i'm just trying to find the right words. That day Xinyi was very angry that i wore makeup to Veldas's house, and she was like, " Do outer appearances really matter so much to you?!" And everyone just sat there in stunned silence, most of all me. So i was like, i just like the act of doing it (no sexual innuendos intended). But don't everyone? More or less? If you've got pimples the least you do is hate them right, who the fuck will love them and try to create more because it's "being yourself"? That's just ridiculous. And even she cared what, because when Vedas gave us stuff to eat she stopped eating after a while because she said she's "getting fat". But isn't that a form of vanity too? Omgosh i feel... I don't know. Angry but at the same time self-justified and kind of happy that everyone was kind of okay with me. Like,Veldas just said it's my character what. Christine said she didn't like putting makeup too but well, I'm me right. And xianzhe said it's better. totally agree. everything's better with makeup. Aspalt roads can look like the road to heaven with a few touchups, why should a face be any different? Behind light makeup I can be prettierbut that doesn't mean I'm not myself. I'm stilll same old nonsense me, full of shit take it or leave it. Behind heavy makeup I can be someone else. Someone I can never be, a cheetah or a black person. Call it escapism if you will, I just love painting my face. Some tribe in Africa have a philosopy that "unpainted people are foolish-looking" Yea, it's true. Paint your face. Then whatever faults you have(that you are bound to have anyway, that's human nature) you can blame on the non-existant character you're playing.

Beauty is temporary tyranny. I must take it.

2011-10-07T23:03:00.000+08:00

I've been itching for the creation of something for about 2 days now but I've found nothing to write. I don't want to write about my days. They're not exactly boring( but they would be if i recounted them. hours of trash talk and insignificant insults and selfishly depraving people of my exclusive world. what's new?)

Anyway i was thinking... i want to come clean about everything. Everyone I've ever loved and lost because i was too much of a damned coward. I don't know. Too ugly( again i maintain you cannot cum to an ugly person. case closed. love stories are made of pretty girls ruined by fate but the guy still accepts them in spite of their looks. not ugly girls to start with. so all the people out there, get your act together. fatness is not a problem, so long as you dont look sloppy, or, i don't know? hideous? take a cue from adele, [fat] people. thanks. i know i sound so damn bad here but it's just really a pity to see perfectly pretty people looking ugly just because. seriously, you can melt people's hearts if you just fucking try. damn. and like, everyone on the streets looks the same ugly. at least if you wanna be ugly you've got to have your damned bloody personal style,gosh. EXASPERATION.)

ANYWAY ANYWAY. I really just want the whole world (not all of you anyway. at least not those of you from my school) to know it. Call this a confession if you will because i do feel like I've really sinned by not doing anything about feeling strongly over stuff and stuff. Plus i think that time i wrote about Eddy a part of me felt... validated. Like every single ounce of feelings would do something instead of hiding in my diary like it was ashamed. Because I'm not. Hell no I'm not. I don't think that was even a mistake. I don't believe in God AT ALL but i think a lot of things happen for a reason and that reason is for you to be exactly who you are. The words you blurt out and wish you could force them right back into your mouth- that's your real thoughts, a culmination of someone you've been suppressing so long. Just sayin'.

Okay so today's topic (wow, weird) is Teo Zhi Kang.

I'm really bold aren't I? real names real situations. I mean, what if they google their names and this pops up and stuff? meh, I'm beyond caring. Beyond caring about what the world thinks but of course i still care about everyone i know individually (seems damn mamasan-like to say i care for each and every single one of you.) Anyway for everyone that I'm going to mention, I just wanna say a big big thank you. And to my dogdamned imagination. You're all a huge part of the reason why I am me, for better or worse.

So I was in primary six. All of 12 years old, bloody hatable. Lemme tell you what kinda person I waslike. I was motherfucking corporate. Yea you heard right. I actually fucking cared about climbing up the dogdamned endless social ladder wtf. W.T.F. And i thought, it's my last year in this wretched school. I'm going to have a boyfriend, i must. As if that was some sort of fucking bloody accomplishment (but it sure felt like one when i did)
There were so many bloody things wrong with this:

Love shouldn't be measured by the time you have left to graduate
Graduating means breaking up. Which bloody normal sane person would do that??!!
Fucking social ladder. Love shouldn't fucking be about that. not within a billion miles.

Anyway i just went and did it. How? SHAMELESSLY. I've never told anyone but Kangli about this but i'm going to say it now. Everyone's going to judge me but i don't give a fuckshit because I'm not the same person i was before.

I winked at him.

From time immortal, I think that was what did it. That bloody wink. So... unsuspecting, so... sudden. Even I didn't know i was going to do it. I was walking down the stairs with Miao Jin ( one of his classmates.agai real name. i must be the motherfucking panther) and she was telling me SHE LIKED HIM. the exact same person I'm talking about right here right now. She was telling me she liked him. I listened with a bit of jealousy and a bit of triumph because i knew he didn't like her ( don't ask me how i knew. i just did. maybe it was the way he looked at me during Chinese. wtf. I think I was born with the ability to be deluded** explanations to come). We were walking down the stairs. He was walking up. When i saw him i couldn't catch my damned breath. Heartbeat stops splitsecond. and my eye winked. wtf. And i could do those non-spastic winks so maybe that was the winner.

And then he made Qiu Yun(his classmate. but also my friend) give me some letter that said happy birthday on my birthday. I could die. I think i did die. Because i ran like,999 miles/second to the toilet and gasped till I was breathing normally. (love is fucking bad for health people.)and then i lost my wallet. With that $16 name keychain that everyone so coveted last time from that fucking "Gift-a-Name" that has fallen from grace. At least in my area.

I wrote a letter to him once. I forgot what i wrote in it but Tse Yin tried to snatch it from me an i punched her wtf. True. All true. I feel disgusted at myself now but there really isn't any other way to tell the story. I don't know if you'd called it a punch. I just...slapped her back really really hard. She said she was going to report me to the teachers. Okay, you can laugh now.

Other stuff other stuff...

There was once when he picked up some bookmark thing Kangli made for me from cross-stich and he passed it to Xinpei to pass to me. And Jeremy said it was like in the olden times when the man would pick up the handkerchief the girl dropped. And everyone was so happy and excited. Bloody hell, even I was. And now it's reduced to a heap of embarassment for me.

Then there was once when he came to my class to hand something to the teachers (and i thought he was like an envoy. wtf. 12 year old envoy, fucking child labour) and he had a really really bad scar,. It wasn't exactly a scar. I was fucking bleeding. And i was all, you gotta take care of yourself and stuff. I'm so crowned Miss-Uncapable-Of-Affection.

And once I wrote about him in my essay. How damned stupid. The whole staffroom knew afterwards. They must have thought it was adorable. It wasn't fucking adorable. I was going to marry him,! I've even met his mum!!!!(while me and kl weree in pioneer mall and i was reading off condom labels and his mum just stood beside me but my dad isn't supposed to know that)

And once someone told me he was actually already attached. Joyce. And i was like, Joyce who? And then people pointed her out to me. My first thought was that she wasn't very pretty( and look at wtf i looked like. I kinda pity ZK now that i think of it.unable to cum to any of us, left right ceentre. unable to cum. hahahahahahahahahah!!!! i genuinely think it's funny. i'm not being mean. i really still kinda like him but not like that anymore. He always reminds me of when times were so simple and i seemed so...uncooperatively complicated and scheming and now we can't bring it back anymore)

And then one day after the PSLE i was eating dinner on the coffee table watching tv. chillin' mentally criticising the food. Then i got a text. He said we had to breakup. BAM woohoo we're in some sort of relationship at all!!! BAMBAM! fuck, it's over???!!! but i was totally calm. i agreed like agreeing to brush my teeth. Because I've never been through that kind of thing. Movies i watched then always ended with a happy ending. In fact I don't think I've ever witnessed people going through with a break-up up till that moment in my 12 year old life which i thought so worldly but look, i didn't know what a break up was. The contradiction. And when he heard that calmness in my words he was like, really? I was like, really. and that was that.

But when we finally got allocated to different schools it finally fucking hit me. I called him just like the last time i calleed him when my mum and i had a big big fight. The last time i locked myself up in the room and called him and sobbed and sobbed while my mum shouted stuff but gave up aand left me alone. and then we just talked and talked until i finally laughed. This time i called him to share not grief but elation. But it wasn't exactly what i'd wished it would be. He took the news like ," I'm happy for you." There was no real...jubilation. just an unfathomable sadness in his voice. unfathomable...until i realised it's parts of the breakup deal. But he did seem quite shocked i was going to nanhua. He didn't tell me why but then i eventually found out it's cos his sis was there.

And then the days on the calendars were tickeed off one by one and i took my first neoprint with Xinpei and Kangli and i didn't think much about it anymore. Such was the commitment i put into that relationship. And then the next year came. I was in sec 1. I looked like shit. And i went into fucking deep despair. Everyday was a living nightmare. What was this thing called heartache? Never heard of it but why did it feel not only like it ached but ripped apart? What the fuck was i feeling man? When i lookeed intto waters i'd imagine myself diving into them to find an anchor, cling to it and drown myself because what i really needed was the anchor, not my fucking wretched life. Fast foward and I'm all the wiser.

The end.

** In chinese supplementary lessons he would sit behind with hiss "gang". I felt like a gang leader's wife. I was 12. Forgive me.

***Over the course of this whole dalliance i would push him. I deliberately made myself fail (okay, get a B) so as to boost his confidence. like cady in mean girls. And then i gave him pep talks about him having to be better so we can be together. Because like Miss Norbury from mean girls, "I'm a pusher"

***********if i could do anything differently it would be that i'd watch more movies about breakups.

and i would kiss him(i just typed kill but i really really didn't mean that) at least once. and i woul;d never ever push him because i should've loved him for who he was, not who he should have become. **************

2011-10-02T17:34:00.000+08:00

The optimist always sees the light and the pessimist always blows it out. If our lives were all measured in timelines then mine would be a whole string of pathetic failures. Well, at least my love life.

I intended to start this entry with " in 2009' but it just sounds so damn cheesy.

anyway, so i was in Sec 3. I looked ugly as fuck. Yea the girl at seventeen wants to go back to herself at fifteen and break her neck so she can do a head swop with- i don't know, some hobo who has managed to look like, 999x more attractive? (Yea anyway you say looks don't matter but they do. my logic is that you cannot come to an ugly person. case closed and you would've shut up) And so i knew this guy called eddy. He was our class counsellor (like, prefect or something. not counsellor as in psychological wrestler) and he had to sit in front of our class like everyday. So i was register no 1 as usual(like every other year, what's new right. in the same hellish school. again what's new. right, Eddy) and so i got to see him everyday.

Fuck, he had the most...pretty eyes and straightest nose. i don't know why but everything he did seemed... so cool. I couldn't ever picture me and him together but heck, i liked him so damned much. like an obsession. everytime i pictured us togetheer i couldn't see my face but i had this extremely vivid picture of him standing by the window, coffee in hand, in a lavender long-sleeved staring outside a window, 50 floors in a super high apartment. I think when i looked at him, or stood beside him, the word GAWKY fit me to a T. Everyday was heaven for me(no kidding, the obsession was THAT strong) because i got to see him. My life became marked with moments that i had in contact with him and everything else was blurred. In fact i don't remember anything that went on in sec 3 at all(seriously), except him.

Right now i have 3 very vivid memories of him. The first is the first time he talked to me, when he asked my name when we were walking up the stairs to class, and then he had me right there and then-in love, positive. The second was when that bitch Jesse Lim said our class was sitting crooked and he wasn't there that day so she made me walk through that damn crowded space to do i don't know what because there wasn't much i could do and he asked me to sit down, he'll take care of it. Bam, score 2 for him , none for self-defence. And then the third is when i felt like crying when i saw him when he came back to take his o level results. CRYING wtf. with the intensity of if i just saw god or michael jackson. This reminds me of when my maid told me before that she had a sex-crazed neighbour who, deprived of sex for about 8 hours(cos her husband was late from work), became BLUE BLACK. wtf. that woman even asked to borrow other peope's husbands.

Oh, and i remember i called him wind water and dust moving in a swirling motion because(heck, how much more loser can i get??) that's what the dictionary said his name meant.

But even when i felt so bloody swoony( like, can faint the moment he smile at me) everyday i never really talked to him because i... i think i didn't know how. I can rattle off at 999999 words per second to anyone on the street but i can't even say one single funny thing to him. so a whole year later he never knew i was a funny person. funny as in weird, yea maybe, but not in that entertaining way.

And i finaally thought at the end of the year when i was in sec 3, that since i was so crazy in love(yea right. was it even?) with him i had to do something about it. and it was so...lame it isn't even worth mentioning. and pathetic. yea, boring, lame and pathetic.

And that was the end of it. But it isn't. I still think he's so damned adorable. And he's so damned exclusive. And i am so damned going to be so damned pathetic again if i ever let myself think that way again. So i won't. But still.

Anyway he's now a DJ. Part time but cool job nonetheless, what i once wanted to be(before i even knew he was gng to) before i figured out i could be sued for racist/vulgar/anti-gov comments. that i'm always prone to.but still that job fits perfectly with that lavender-shirted imagery i have of him.

And even though this whole... thing(too much of an exaggeration to call it a relationship) is empty and pointless i think i learnt so many things from it. Like a motherfucking social scientist.

1. that people who are in love to a point of obsession do not like other random people falling in love with them. or see the very faces of the people who're/were allegedly in love with them. I think it's a... "PLEASE-GO-AWAY-I-WANT-HIM-TO-THINK-I'M-STILL-SINGLE-WHICH-I-STILL-AM-OBVIOUSLY-CUS-I'M-NOT-WITH-A-LOSER-LIKE-YOU" thing.

2. obsessive love is fucking unhealthy. mindfuck.

3.it's pathetic. so stop doing it because i can do much better even if all my life all i've ever wanted was a dreamer and shit

4.do not fall in love with 90% or above strangers( as in you know each otheer only 10% well) because they have other friends and it's pathetic.

5. do not, repeat do not hurt anyone. even if that person was and still is inconsequeential.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nevermind I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you, too

Don't forget me I beg

I remember you said

Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

CORRECTION:

hells yea, imma gna find someone like you but waaaaaaaaay better. i wish nothing for you, especially not the best, bloody hell. i know you've allready forgotten me because you're a bastard and i looked like i might as well have 10 retainers shoved in my mouth and a bloody octopussy on my head. You never said anything except maybe some bloody lies about your bloody birthday and your bloody brother. I cannot believe i liked you before, shittyass crappyass shit.It hurts in love every fucking single time, mtoherfucker. EVERY BLOODY TIME! dogdamn!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

and yet even though i feel like that i don't feel like i want to ever say these words to him. i still think he's so damn unreachable but so what (so what what? omgosh going outta my head). i want him to go away, i want him to see i'm so much better and self-subsistent (and not die without his godly stare) but on another hand i wnat him to think i'm so damn going to die without him. walao what the fuck am i saying. i am a strong and independent girl. And girls just wanna they just wanna , just wanna just wanna, oh girls just wanna haave fun, oh girls just wanna have fun.

Love can just come and go.I'm not going to give a damn. Sure i said love like there's no tomorrow and all that sshit but what if it isn't love? How do you know anything is love? Next time if i ever fall in love with anyone first thing i'll do is ask them to be with me. If they don't want it's oevr. spare me that agony and all that in between crap.

2011-09-29T15:47:00.000+08:00

From Adam to Eve.With love.

From the deepest desires often come the deadliest hate.

When once i wished you were happy now i wish you were dead.

For all my sufferings you have not paid,

And all the hungerings that made my state,

The denial into Heaven's gate

The rejection of a clean slate.

You must repent; you rewrote our fates

The day that apple you plucked and ate

Banished us both from Eden's glade

Turned all our friends away from us

Made us into Heaven's outcasts.

From my greatest love, you've become my greatest hate

When you landed me in our pathetic state

The day you went and ended it all

The day you went and caused our downfall

The day you answered the Devil's call.

True love is overrated.

I'm only with you because i only have you.

True love is overstated.

I hate you as much as i love you, and more than that

I hate you

When i ate that apple i should have spat

But i was tricked by you, you bloody gnat.

So fuck you Eve, fuck you I will

Your vagina smells worse than swill

You let me fuck you because you're a cheap whore

You're an animal, but a little more

And above all, I hate you to the core.

by Belvia.

2011-09-23T22:02:00.000+08:00

Have you ever thought like, how some couples look like they totally totally aren't meant for each other but totally are? I was watching Lady Gaga's video called You and I and there was this mermaid in the video with a man. There wasn't anything in the song or the video that indicated so, but i thought that the mermaid was in love with a fisherman.

It's quite weird isn't it? Not in a bad way though, i think, in a beautiful way. It's doesn't always have to be Ariel and the prince. What if this man, this good man, who has been working in the sea his whole life, going wherever the wind took him, what if such an exquisite creature fell in love with him?

Ever since the dawn of Disney movies poor girls have been falling in love with rich guys. It's always those gold-plated facades that seals the deal. Jasmine thought Aladdin was a prince(fuh real), Cinderella went to the ball because she was in love with a man she didn't even know,Snow Whhite, and Ariel and Belle. All their lives ended in some sort of prosperity, being that benevolent house mistress, so graceful and so kind, but who'll never give up her entire house to the servants and go live in the countrysides.

Why can't a mermaid fall in love with pauper and live in a dilapidated house in a bathtub forever? If love is true like what they say then he'll never tire of her. And if when he's gone and she's still there , she just has to kill herself and not despair. And if she's afraid of that vacant stare, she can look into him with love's glare and follow him into the dark, just follow him into the dark.

I really think you should kill yourself after the person you love die. I mean, if all the people you loved died. If you're so young, like 17, don't do it la, of course. Because chances are you think it's love but it really isn't. When you're 30 maybe. Don't blame yourself or anything, go through all your pictures and diaries and memories,set fire to the place and then jump down from your apple tree. When you climb up that tree think that you are going to Heaven, that you're climbing up that tower of Babel that God denied all of us.Now you want Him to know that he couldn't take away the universal language of love, you're plunging back to Earth but you're going higher than God has ever gone, you're going to Nirvana, and you're going with your love.

I think love isn't being defined as love the way it should be defined. Our view of love is thwarted, it's so selfish and self-centred. His hurt, your pain, her tears in vain. But it's not like that. People should be free to love whoever they want to love. Free as in really really free, stripped naked and happy free. Naked bonfire danching free. No more thinking about his wealth, no more thinking about certainty, or a future or anything like that. What your child would look like, if your parents like him. Throw all of it away. And love, love because you're happy, live because you're happy to love. Love like you're not human. Love like it's a higher order. Love truly and deeply. Love like your skin is being torn and your heart offered as sacrifice. Love like you're going bankrupt. Because it's the most important thing in the world. But decide first if that's really love or not.

2011-09-21T18:54:00.000+08:00

Do you hate it when people change you? I hate it to the absolute pits. I think if anyone tried to change me we'll not be friends anymore, i swear, even Kangli.

I've always been a take it or leave it person. I mean, if you don't like me then fuck off la! You can change the whole bloody galaxy but you still wouldn't change me. And for all the insults that i deal out to people around me, people i actually really love, they don't mean a thing. Because if you changed, if you aren't the person you are, i wouldn't have loved you, i wouldn't even have given a shit about you.

at the beginning of the year Minquan tried to change me. He tried to ban vulgarities from spewing out of my mouth like, 10 per second. i flew into a rage(even if i didn't i felt like i did). Felt fucking indignant. Actually eeven felt like he hated me and i hated him back ffor hating me. Imagine a cat you're stroking, so fun. And then suddenly you step on its tail and it bites you and claws you and bites off your balls. Because it's the same thing, the cat doesn't understand why ssomeone who's been enjoying its company would suddenly turn around and harm it. It's confusion mostly, but we don't think rationally. It's hate first, think later.

Anyway the thing is that no one should ever change. Ever. Even nasty people. I don't even want Jing Kai to change. I'm a stick in the mud, can't stand for anyone not being what they are, since i've already categorised them into ecertain stereotypes. It'd be so odd if out of a sudden Jingkai had some talent like playing the violin, stopped swaggering and got fawned over by all the girls. and disturbing.

2011-09-17T14:10:00.000+08:00

Aristurtle (pun intended) said there were 3 types of friends. friends of usefulness, friends of pleasure and friends of virtue. Virtue in grecian times meant excellence (instead of piousness and all that christian crap).

When i think of that term (friends of virtue but it sounds so cheesy to repeat it again) i think of Kangli. It's really complex... Yea sure she's also fun to be around and useful in times of depression but our friendship's so much more than that. Because i know nothing will ever ever change. Even if i became a prostitute or obscenely obese nothing would change. And even if some circumstances made us unable to be friends anymore( like if we both intentionally killed each other's parents) i know the memories would never change. Even if i'd hate her, the memories would still be as pretty and whimsical as if they just happened yesterday. They won't leave a bitter taste even if we were somehow unable to be friends anymore.

And all i want to say is that I love Kangli and that won't ever ever ever change. Double confirm.

On another similar issue, i realised i hate Nj so so so much because i was raised on so much love.It's already become a habit to have it granted to me 12 hours of the day. Huizhen and Lixin and Ting ting and eveeryone. There was just so much love and so much fun going on. And then i come to this place. it was just the stark contrast , that instant deprivation. Maybe if i hadn't known how good it could have been, i wouldn't have despaired at how bad this was.

2011-09-16T20:04:00.000+08:00

Writing is much better than drawing or painting. Sure, they're both art forms and they make people feel immensely but a drawing never has a conclusion. A portrait is a perversity. It makes people feel so intensely and die a million times over but that's just that, you'll never get a conclusion. Writing on another hand is a liberation, a closure to an event in our lives, or a life we dreamed up. There's always light at the end of this unnel, a refuge you can seek and something you can learn, be it for the writer or reader. A drawing is just ironical and cynical. It kills you, but it never revives.

2011-09-05T21:20:00.000+08:00

This year really doesn't resonate with me. The whole year i felt like... i was floating through space with no solid ground to trod on. I never really dispelled the feeling to... being lost from the beginning of the year, even until now. At the beginning of the year i was so lost walking into that awful unhygienic place, which i called a slum. Sat there in that noisy canteen hating to be alone, hating to see everyone actually having anything to say to each other, hating in general. Hated myself for telling a joke because i didn't even really wanted to laugh anyway. Hated myself for hating. Day in day out, never knew life like that, not even in military kindergarten. Then at least i had after-school time to look foward to. Here, then and now, it's just a continuous cycle of monotonous blur. I tried, i really tried finding solid ground, even if it didn't last. I found Minquan, Yiting and Yifeng and at first i felt like a stranger with them but with the most impossible of friendshps i never really remember how we started. Tried falling in love but as usual it's always an intense...roar of advice. Always an obsession, never tantamount to anything but a lesson learnt. Don't know how many times I've been bitten but still as stupid as ever. One day this froggie's going to have her tongue snipped off by a thousand wasps or something. At the beginning of the year i was supposed to meet lixin and kangli and jonathan at KAP but i took the wrong bus and got lost. there were 3 contradicting thoughts in my head then (and of course the ubiquitious "fucking china driver"). The first thought was that i was afraid, at this point in my life i just kept losing myself, why can't somebody save me? My second thought was that i don't want my life to just flash past me like that, tapestries of being lost but not losing myself to a passion but a...folly. And my third thought was, "Heck, so be it. I don't care if i get lost. Maybe this will be another adventure".

But as everyday goes by i think that wasn't the case. I was losing myself my own way. I imagined myself to sleep. When i closed my eyes in that pitch dark ceiling in my room, hearing the hums of the air con, so modern, so irritating. Or when i closed my eyes to the warm breeze listening to that "efficient, anti-vandalism" trains coming to a halt. I'd imagine places like Russia, or Egypt, London, even China. I thought of a thousand lives for thousands of different people I'd never met in my life. I didn't know their names or faces but i knew exactly what they wanted, what they thought. Sometimes when I still find myself unable to fall asleep, i'd link their lives one by one. People in China have been linked to an Egyptian beggar. Some matyrs have loved like they would dissolve in the sands of time. Some people are so sad they don't have tears to cry anymore. But i do0n't pen any of these story down. I feel selfish about them, I ddidn't feel like anyone, even paper, was entitled to them. They're my world, my pathetic little mirage of an anchor. Why should i share their lives with anyone who are so so much better off than me? Self pity's always a superlative.

I used to know exactly what i wanted- to be a vet because it's correct, it's fun, it's what i love, it's so many things. But now i don't know anymore. I'm not a slamon. salmons have a compass that guides them. A magnetic field they just have to follow by instinct. I don't. I don't know which way to go. My parents don't want me to go, I know. They think only they worry about these things. I worry too, maybe more. Is it very expensive? Will i lose myself on the subway and have to take a three hour trip to get home? What will i do after that? Do i have the courage to get a job? Will people be nice? Funny? Boring? Will life be solitary? Will it be the same hell I'm going through? Will i just lie down and cry for dear life?

I think worrying is easier for them. They've already known their futures, gotten married, had a kid. Who told them she wouldn't be having children and would die relatively young but after them. Me? I don't know what life's bringing. A poison apple?

i want to find myself again. I want that, when i finally leave I'll feel sad instead of indifferent. I hope that when i drag my luggage to the customs I'll feel not fear but excitement. And i hope after all that anticipation... the reality I'll be faced wwith wouldn't disappoint.

But right now I'm still what i feared to be the most. Jaded.

2011-09-01T21:07:00.000+08:00

I used to hate Mdm Nooreedah. Hated her like shit in sec 1, when i hated like, almost everyone anyway. So when she started teaching us in sec 3 i was like, motherfucker, shit. bloody hell. fuck. But i don't know... It's always like that, like when you hate someone and then end up loving them to bits, you never knew what made you change. Like with Huizhen.

Now I'll never need to rack my brains for dramatic, grammatically correct stories to make headlines with. I don't have to concoct stuff to make people feel like their lives are surreal, like, they're not actually in school but in my story itself, watching everything incredible happen before their eyes.

Every time i wrote a story i wanted to entertain her, i wanted to make her love me. Didn't matter if my comprehension sucked, because comprehension was just an interpretation of someone else's story. Everyone knows i interpret everything differently. Sometimes i would come up with the most ludicrous answers and people would laugh but i always thought that somewhere in that author's mind, the author was subconsciously thinking the way i did.

Anyway, back to stories.

I've always been "This kind of person". Give me a mainstream title, like Respect or Fork or something and i can give you the most fantastical story. Some teacher in my primary school ( i forgot who, must be someone damn boring. maybe ms Ng whom i hated cos she kinda hated me) once said that "With Belvia expect the unexpected". Which is kinda true. To adulty ppl at least. All through my compulsory education days and through all those compos i had to write, i don't think i ever wrote a normal one. even if i did, it would be abnormal of me. Like if Lady Gaga were to just attempt to look sexy and not wtfholyshit! I've always been to teachers that Problem Child, or Weirdnut. People either love me a lot or hate me a lot, especially teachers. i don't think anyone can ever mention my name and the words, " don't you hate her/ do you like her?" and go, she's nice, or she's okay. because i'm never okay. But people who love me are usually revolutionaries.

But I've never gotten my stories published anywhere until Mdm Nooreedah published mine. Normally they're graded, "out of context" or "inappropraite" or "interesting...(with a silent, this student is !@#%ing weird)" I've alwys been that struggling artist, age 8 onwards, until i met her.

I love her. i don't think it has ever occurred to me until i lost all of it.

2011-08-29T21:24:00.000+08:00

It feels like i haaven't blogged in a thousand billion years. I think it's because i have so many things happening in my life but i can't say any of it. Anyway i was just listening to The Edge of Glory by Lady Gaga

http://youtu.be/QeWBS0JBNzQ

and while watching the video i felt... i can't say how i feel, but let me tell you what i wanted to do, okay? I wanted a boyfriend who's a tattoo artist so he could do a tattoo on my boob, my left boob. and i'll hurt but he'll kiss it. and that, is exactly what our relationship's going to be like. The two ends of the spectrum of emotions, hurt and joy.

Who likes Lady Gaga? i like Lady Gaga!!

and there's another song by her called You & I. It's... morbid. I think there are twwo sides to the thing she wanted to say, or maybe it's just me. The first story i figured was maybe the man betrayed her and shegoes, " I'm not leaving this place without you tonight", in a sacarstically, funny, threatening way. tThe second story i figured was maybe the two people loved each other so much they wanted a second chance with each other.

and there's this song by Aerosmith i'm addicted to.

http://youtu.be/705LEH3j2g0

at first i thought it was about a breakup but now i think it's a song from a parent to a child. I want to tell Yiting to listen to this song. And finally feel something...about her family. Whatever, hatred, sadness, regret, wwhatever, just don't ever be jaded, or disenchanted. "hey, jaded, she's got her mama's style but she's yesterday's child to me. " "my my baby blue, yea i've been thinkin' bout you, my my my baby blue, yea i'm so jaded, and baby i'm afraid of you, baby i'm the one who jaded you." "your thinkin's so complicated, love it or hate it, wouldn't trade it" "You'll always be the one i lovd and hated". Yiting, maybe that's the way your parents feel about you too. they hate you but they love you, and they can't help either, please feel.

and i also like Feels Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana because i'm obsessed with Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love's story. People who scare me fascinate me and isn't that the way the world works?

2011-08-21T12:57:00.000+08:00

That day i told my parents( like, finally) about my sucky results. And they were like, you're never going to survive overss, you can quit dreaming about being a vet. And what do they achieve by telling me that? Ifi quit dreaming about it then what's my motivation to study anumore. I might as well quit school already. Like, seriously. I'm very scared that I'm beginning to think like they want me to. It sucks you know, when someone tells you you're not good eenough and you find yourself starting to believe them. My maid is being a bitch. Yesterday i stayed up to read Smosh and watch Shane(after watching a 3 hour long Bollywood movie about 10 incarnations-wtf i feel damn stupid for watching all 10 incarnations) and i've only slept like 4 hours because they decided to on the fucking blender like 8 am in the morning. fuck.

anyway i've thought of a few career options.

i could be an animal rescue worker(but they'd probably be angry with me, if it's me i'll also be angry. i don't even like children and i spent so much money on my idiot kid now that idiot kid don't want/cannot pay me back)
i could be a writer but that would mean my books have to sell super well. i think my forte is introspective reading but introspective stuff is a result of a very long period of turbulent emotions. It's going to be damn emotionally draining and i might be the lietrary world's heath ledger, if i even dare flatter myself to think like that.
I could be a housewife? Despite all the fuckshit that has ever happened in my life i still think someone out there will suddenly reveal himself(wtf that sounds wrong) and love me like he doesn't expect anything else but presence. Not my genes not my brains not my sex. Maybe his world wold be complete just by looking at me and hearing all the crappy shit i have to say each day, and eating all the stuff i burnt in the kitchen. And i think i could be happy living like that even if he loved mee more than i did. I mean, it's also kind of an accomplishment to make someone feel happy all because of you right?I've always wanted this kind of love where the other person will be compltetely fulfilled by me. Not the Japanese kind where the wife has to do all sorts of fucking icky shit and the husband says his job of accompanying the boss to pubs is very important and the children striving their guts out trying to make it in life. No, i just want to be happy. With no 3rd parties involved, with a super small house and then i'll stay at home and write and write and write and when he reads everything i write he'll fall more in love with me. And he'll feel... like he's the happiest person on earth.
songwriter. I think i really can you know. I regret not having an instrument and an only-average voice.
disney character. I want to play the wicked witch of some kind. then i can go arund scaring children in themeparks like badass badgers do.
bartender. despite being clumsy at everything else, i'm convinced i'm somehow quite a good juggler. i can only do 11 bottle tricks though.
youtube star? I've only never tried. i think if i tried i'll be a huge huge success. everyone's so boring, they need me man.
teacher? but i'll only ever teach dialect. it'll be fun to see ang moh ppl trying to speak teochew and as a language teacher i'll bring them to visit cultural sites and all and i'll tell them all the wrong stuff, wrong but funny then my language lessonss will be transfromed from language lessons to therapy sessions where no one goes away not having laughed at least once to the brink of tears.It's like a club.

please email me and tell me what i should be. i removed my tagboard because there weree just too many comments in languages i didn't understand. i speak english, chinese and vulgarity. if you speak any of the these languages please reply. thanks.

2011-08-21T03:38:00.000+08:00

I wrote a letter to Huizhen very very long ago bu i didn't post it. I said i'm sorry and all and that I didn't mean to get all huffy and prissy but i didn't mail it. I don't know what's stopping me fro mailing it. i also didn't mail lixin's letter which i wrote at almost the same time so it could be laziness but i think it's more because of the changing circumstances. i wrte them a plea but i guess i don't need their help anymore, like, the problem's gone away now. romance is all fine and dandy if it doesn't get intense, like obsession, like it'll kill you

2011-08-11T20:52:00.000+08:00

For the first time i recovered from fever without going to the doctor. (but i still had to go la, duh, my cough and flu do't ever get better by themselves.) I'm feeling super floaty now, and i did some research on hippie culture in the 1960s. i don't know why i did that but i just did. Quite entertaining though. They were just sprawled out on the ground, playing music, singing. I can smell the sweet grass in the photos, hear that psychedelic tunes emanating from their tie-dye shirts. It's how i want to live. I don't know if i can ever be like that. Maybe. I'm feeling super floaty now and i don't really know what i'm talking about but i just felt like everyone had tto know this. Courtney Love was from a band called Hole and Kurt Cobain was from Nirvana and he died she didn't they were both addicted to heroin and stuff and he thought she was a goddess. I like to wonder about people's lives how can people possibly live like that? i don't think anyone will ever think i'm a goddess or anything damn weird. and creepy.

2011-08-06T22:33:00.000+08:00

Woke up this morning and i had an intense need to write. I know tend to say everything better in the written word so all the erratic thoughts racing through my brain, i put them all on paper, that black paper and they made sense to me. i didn't know if i should write it down or not, but i guess i'm going to. I'm not going to take away anyone's freedom of expression, least of all myself.

it's a poem. or an rhyming story. whatever you call it. It's a rhyming story.It's called

My Secret War

Forgive me, I've never seen anything

Prettier than your cocked eyebrow.

It used to be enough to make me sing;

Make me give up everything.

But i now know I fell in love with my imagination

All your beauty my own foolish maginification

All the pain i felt in your place really pointless elation.

Delusional love and her seventeen year old captor

Are now staring off each other with unspeakable anger

Each blaming the other for giving her up

Fighting a flurry of emotions that just won't stop.

Each one wants the other dead

Hell hath no fury like these 2 women scorned

They're going to make disaster great

They're going to maake hatred blood red.

I'm fighting my own secret war and you don't know

You don't care if I'm dead or alive, hot or cold.

You don't hurt for me, you just let me be

So this time I think I'm letting me free

You're not for me-I finally see.

But despite writing this down, i don't feel right. I don't believe a word in this story with any conviction. This is a soulless tale, told with no belief, no conviction, no passion and no interest. Then it hits me that whateever I'm saying isn't what i want. Why is it that everytime i fall in some semblance of love i end up with torturous head-banging and mind-racking? Like falling in love is some sort of mental stimulation. Maybe the subconscious is trying to compensate for life's monotony. Maybe it's just common sense: he's lonely, i'm lonely, let's get together so we won't have this problem anymore. I tried to put myself in his shoes, if someone told me they felt about me the same way i felt about him, i would be very very puzzled. maybe even get angry because i don't understand why. I'd think they were so damn shallow for staring at me from afar and unearthing stuff about me and think they know all of me but the truth is that they don't and never will. And despite all this wandering among my wonderings, i know something for sure. It's that I pity him. And from that pity stems protection. That's why i do the things i do. I start speaking gibberish. Anything, anything that'd make him smile. I want to be the one to make him smile when he knows he's about to cry. I think i know where you belong i think i know it's with me.

2011-07-29T21:31:00.000+08:00

firstly, i'm very happy to get my blog back. i spent the last week fretting if people hacked and stole my blog but luckily no one did. guess i'm not that popular but whatever. that's a good thing.

secondly i'm... upset. okay whatever i admit i went to his facebook page okay, whatever! when someone's face runs through your brain ten thousand billion times a day you seek some sort of refuge to stop all this wild frenzy. you tell yourself i'll stare so hard at his face till my vision goes fuzzy for 10 minutes and not think about him the whole day(but no, it always comes back because i can resist anything but temptation). and then i found his tumblr(is that what they call a blog nowadays? no idea. i love blogger for protecting my unpopular blog) and then i read it (duh i read it! duh!)

his first post was about old songs and dreaming about people he liked and being sad that he liked someone but got over her only to realise she liked him back. i have been failing comprehension in secondary school for all the extra revision to comprehend this. very important life skill: to understand what the person you like is saying so you can dig dig dig up all their past and know all their ex-affairs and current affairs and everything. in short, comprehension is a very important skill. you can't comprehend, you can't pretend, you can't apprehend.

and that post went on to talk about why he plays with his iphone so much (it's because he doesn't want to look up and see that no one's eyes are meeting his.that abject loneliness. i edited his words a bit and i think i sound more prolific but whatever. the thoughts were his. but they were mine too. i wrote to yiting that day asking her is she ever thought of him that way. or any other people who've left their country, as i will too.thought i understood him, guess i did. but he doesn't know.) he said old songs expressed his views better not that he hated new songs and stuff. when i was reading that i was listening to When The Children Cry by White Lions in 1984.same here. right now i can think of so many songs. i'm the one who wants to be with you. somebody to love. i would do anything for love i run right through to hell and back.

moving on. the rest i didn't really read because i didn't want to. anyway the main idea was he's in love with some girl. and it didn't work out but she liked him too. whatever. and he was in love with SOME OTHER girl.. and he wants her to love him and only him . and then further down it turns out that he accompanied someone to church cos he wants to do well in exams(which i shan't mention because all the weirdass people are reading this right now. this blog is not popular. but it's popular with weirdass people). and he said he's in love with someone (dno is the first someone or the second someone) with religious views that are so different from his. rawr. then i didn't read anymore. i think it's human and more specifically female nature to be jealous but i think i take it to the extreme. so i slapped myself and told myself i had no right. then i looked in the mirror and i was crying( wtf right. maybe it's because of the slap. my life so suck alrd my hand still slap my face) and i had a "natural" blush.not being egoistical but it was quite pretty. and then i got even more angry because i couldn't understand why he couldn't just see me like that, when i looked pretty. instead of when i'm wearing that awful drab colour. and a thousand billion dust particles.

i waited for 30 minutes doing nothing and trying to sstop myself from hitting myself again. and then i browsed youtube and listened to Change by Taylor Swift which i've never heard before. and the lyrics go like, there'll be a revolution/all of this will change( i'll surely lose on don't forget the lyrics) and that ever-existant ghetto girl in me immediately went, "Hell yeah!" but me being me and lacking any sort of fighting spirit immediately went hell no immediately. i'm stuck i'm sad i'm ...doomed. i've said a billion times i shouldn't because it will be those "things that will not end well" . this... emotion i feel fro this person is pointless and savage. it shouldn't be. i feel angry. not at him, at myself. how could i be angry at him? i think when you're truly doomed you can't bear to be angry with that person. like i can't bear to be angry with my dog.

i keep saying nothing should happen so i question myself why i'm so upset after reading that he 's in love with someone else. shouldn't i be happy? that the circumstances are finally forcing me to do what should be done, forcing us apart, forcing my left and right side apart and ripping my heart apart and ripping up my capillaries so i look ridiculous blushing and deliberating about what to write and on the brink of tears and it looks like i'm watching porn and the show is so good it moved me to tears and stopped me midsentence.

and then i knew why i was upset. it's because i'm not a "do-what's-right" person. never was,not now, never will be. i'm a hedonist. for the longest time i've used this word but he only learnt it last week. he sounded so adorable questioning what it meant. i think i really could love him and only him forever (albeit him sounding chauvinistic and unfair saying that, because what will happen to me and only me?) and amidst all that right and wrong i identified a truth, one sentence that stood out like it was painted in bold black and gold. it was that i wanted him. hell, if i could go ahead and leave all the things i know behind, then i could fall in love like it was nobody's business( totally irrational reasoning, if it's even a reasoning. just accept.)

sometimes i think falling in love is like getting a job interview. it's horrible when you see someone you think less capable taking your job away from you. i really feel like i caan be all that he wants you know? like, if he's sad i'll maake him happy. if he wants to feel like he's in a dream i can do everything unpredictable. because you know... it's just in me. it's not like i'm trying to be unpredictable or i'm trying to be a clown. because i was already born this way. like i was custom made for him. when the clock strikes 6 i have to go home, like Cinderella except that the prince wouldn't have danced with me and i wouldn't have any nice dresses to wear. Everyone's staring at me, judging me, because i'm scrubbing the floors in the middle of a ball. Someone else would dance with him and she'd step on my fingers with her glass heel. and i'd look up at her thinking i could do a better job but she'd just dance happily away in oblivion, as if the bones in my fingers felt like nothing at all. but i'd never cut off my toes like the stepsisters just so i could fit in those glass slippers. either the glass slippers fit me perfectly or i'll never wear them at all.

some off the stuff that would go down on my job resume would be: 1.i'm capable of thinking about you a billion times a day, rendering me braindead to everything else. 2. i'm capable of thinking of 2 places we can go and disappear and no one knows where we are (and i'm not telling anyone where that is) 3. in my world you'll never feel like no one's eyes are meeting yours because it's hard enough for me to take my eyes off you.4. i'm laying all my anti-asian boyfriend sentimeents at your feet( i can't help thinking, i already lay all these anti-asian boyfriend sentiments at your feet already what the fuck you still want!)5. i love animals(if that's even relevant. if it's not it's still not going to change that)6. i can make you laugh. fo shore!7. i love your accent8.i love the way you do everything9.i love the way you always chance upon me doing something wicked.10.i love the way you want your love affair to be like a movie too. even if you don't know that. 11.every high point in my day is characterized by at least one event about you.12. i feel how you feel.13,i want you. 14. i have no religion either so you don't have to accept ludicrous stuff you don't believe in. 15. i always think the best of you, for no apparent reason.

on another note, amidst all that face-slapping and crying and thinking and controlling and all that shit, i decided i'm going to really go get my hair dreadlocked. i love love love my fully braided head. i don't caare. i'm getting dreadlocks at the end of the year.

on another note, how the fuck can he fall in love like *snap snap* that? i haven't done that since primaary school. i think i'm essentially a coward. if i'm a crab i'd be a bloody hermit craab because i'd have a shell taht i couldd hide my whole body in when the tide rushes at me. when someone spots me i'd rush away because i know what it's likee to be hurt. and could i eeven consider that hurt? that time...was the bloody circumstance again. the wrong time but right everything. and my claws are useless. because i'd never use them. i'd ratheer die quickly and swiftly. if he is not mine, i want him to come and give me a tight slap. get angry with me and shove me roughly on the floor like a pile of books off the table. so i'd feel like shit. love is tough. i hate people who like me. i always give them the most awful time off their lives. i ask now that karma returns and slaps me hard across my face.

2011-07-25T19:47:00.000+08:00

You're going to say it's a fetish.(in order of importance)

My ideal Boyfriend

* Treats me like a pet.

*Has a sense of humour

*Has the same sense of humour i do.

* Is noble

*Is idealistic

*Has his head up in the clouds

*Is practical at the same time

*Doesn't issue a restraining order on me or calls the cops on me

*Is warm

*Is able to grow a moustache that i'd like to braid jack sparrow-style someday

*Has that spiky spiky feeling on his jaw after he shaves

*Hums while he shaves

*Doesn't bring me to any high society balls and gatherings

*Doesn't expect me to organize parties

*Doesn't shave my hair off while i'm sleeping

*Doesn't send me to an asylum

*Doesn't meet up with his high school "Asian goddess" after sending me to the asylum

*Loves everything i love(ie my pets and my parents and other sentimental shit)

right now that's about all. actually i'm not even really sure that it's in order of importance anymore. i wrote all the restraining order shit because you know onision, the guy i wrote about like sometime baack, the one who got divorced? he got divorced then he had a girlfriend and he shaved his girlfriend's head. shortly aftre they broke up. and then she threatened to destroy him. and then he called the cops on her. now she's in a mental facility, and he has just met up with his high school "Asian goddess". okay, shut up. i'm not going to believe you again. you clearly have some problem. but i really like the way you stroked her head when she was sleeping and had a nightmare and called your name. BUT I DON'T LIKE THAT YOU FILMED IT.

2011-07-25T01:02:00.000+08:00

Again, talk of religion. You know why i hate god? because such fucking things happen.

the bloody bear is WATCHING as its bloody bile is being processed.

and you know the report said that the bear even let the owner stroke it at first but after stroking it the man returned with a stick and a needle and a catherter and all that anaesthetic and shit and then the bear became aggressive. duh! i hope the bear successfully kills him or something. paralyse him for life. his whole family.

I tell you, all animals are kind and good and all the positive things. i doubt a lion cub would intentionally injure a human being,like rush to it from behind like it would a zebra if it was unprovoked.

okay, whatever, i concede to whatever you want to hear okay, that human beings are the master of animals, whatever. and then we take their kindness and reverence and betray them.

we have our friends and family and they only have us. our world is so much bigger than theirs and yet we who are the world to them still betray them. that betrayal is a billion times greater than the betrayal of any friend to us.

i'm beginning to sound incoherent because i am so sad for them.

If you've ever kept a living animal in your house, even for a day, you'd know what i mean. that animal, already previously abandoned came for refuge from you and you sent it away. it's a second betrayal, another blow to its already bruised emotions. and i think we'll never know the depth of their emotions but i believe they feel more deeply than us.

a human being has sadness and joy and anger and jealousy and delirium and love and greed and pride and pettiness and fear. we have so many emotions it's hard for us to say we feel very deep for any one of them because we have so many other emtions to focus on. animals have only 4 emotions. delirium and sorrow and anger and love. the delirium comes from love and the anger and sorrow from betrayal and the love leads to forgiveness.sometimes i think animals are damn stupid for forgiving all the atrocities committed on them. i think the bear whose bile has been drawn non-stop for years, when finally let out,given some food and a pet on its head and allowed to roam freely in the house, wouldn't attack anyone and will gladly stay on. maybe i'm naive, like everyone will say i am. maybe i haven't been attacked by any animal yet that's why i say that. but think of it like that, the bear is staying on because it finally feels love, something so wonderful he has never feelt his whole life.

you know how you never forget your first love? it's the same thing. when you were so young that feeling was so new, so wonderful, so pointless and so foolish and so magical. and it was that first time thaat made you feel like you weree on top the world and that you could only climb further up, onto the clouds, onto that cloud number nine and stay there forever and ever. like a drug. that first time, it's gotten you hooked and moreover it's brought bout by the one person you care the most about in the whole world.

and we betray them like that. and what happens? no one helps. god fucking enjoys this show i think. the phrase "heaven makes sport of man" it's not entirely true. it makes sport of every single thing and they like it. even if they didn't, they could bear to see it happen. if i were fucking omnipotent i' make it convenient and enjoyable to be vegetarian, i'd free all the imprisoned, i'd identify everyone with evilness in them and just shoot a lightning bolt through their hearts, i'd make their parents stop grieving, i'd erase revengee in everyone's hearts, i'd make sure no one could even want for revenge anyway, i'd make everything feel only love and joy and pity,i'd make lions chivalrous to the lionesses and great foster fathers to anyone's cubs, i'd make them all vegetarian, i'd make elephants less cool and i'd make the male elephant stay with the herd and play his rrold as a father like a man should and be there for his kids when they need him, i'd make orcas masters of the sea, coexisting with dolphins to be the greatest ships of all time. any animal wishing to crossover a large body of water would have to pay an agreeable fare in fruits and nuts they gather and feed the dolphins(for 1 or 2 passengers) or orcas(family of 6) before they set off. it's like their fuel. tuna would be the sea's ornaments, just like peacocks beautify the land. wouldn't it be nice if i were god? life would be a fairytale. which sicko omnipotent being would ddo this to the world which it claims to love so much? it's like, you set the rules aandd you commit the crime. what's the sense in that?

in Mary Shelley's Frankenstein, the monster lived as a parody of Adam before he met The Snake. he ate nuts and fruits because he thought Milton's 'Paradise Lost' was the way life should be lived (i think so too. where we could understand the animal's language, where the only thing important then was love). but he eventually climbed the tallest mountain and burned himself on a pyre because he was so overcome by the relentless rejection by his master, Victor Frankenstein. When i think of the word Frankenstein, i always think of a horrid monster, when in fact Victor Frankenstein was a scinece student who created the monster. it's such an irony because the creation had qualities human beings could only think to have if they went to heaven(because heavne's where all the good people are supposedly at). Victor's the real monster for not being able to see that he has created another human being far more worthy of love than himself. same for God and Lucifer. I know Lucifer thought he was better than god, but god didn't even extend an offer to explain himself, he just said,"no you're not", and he expects a being who thinks he's truly better to accept that. and he goes on to condemn him for eternity. then he persuades his people to hate Lucifer too. and even till this day hasn't apologised, hasn't forgiven anything. and robert frost asked," Who, in almost four thousand years, ever stopped to pray fro the one sinner that needed it most?" maybe it's both the love and forgiveness we all need to make this world a better place. But whoever has to courage to carry it out? Pride's always in the way. Not even God has to courage to admit he's been a little too harsh. Won't he take a look at that archangel's face for another time in a billion years and say, "You can be the guardian of people's hearts because you uderstand pride and you understand pain. no one will mak a betterguardian than you. please let them forgive as i have forgiven you". no, god doesn't say that. instead he tells human beings that he doesn't operate according to the rules of time and space. so what? so that means it doesn't matter whether he forgives in the next billion years or so and Lucifer, whom he once loved so, can burn in hell for all he cares because that billion years is just gonna feel like a second to him.

but animals are so much better than god. they forgive in a heartbeat and they operate according to the rules of time and space. It's easy for them to trust you because it's in them to love and forgive.

I told Yifeng that i hated the act of forgiving. i hated forgiving people and i'd rather remember all the wrong they have done to me. that's because i don't wantt to forgive the wrong people. i don't want to forgive people who'll do the wrong things again, i don't want them to think it's just a small matter. It's everyone's nature i guess, to be once bitten, twice shy. But that shouldn't be the case if you're omnipotent. so fuck you, God. fuck you and your son Jesus, his mother Mary and father Peter and all the assholes who've ever advocated any of your teachings. Just today one of your asshole minions, a priest, mindlessly gunned down 85 people in Norwegia for nothing. rightwing Christian pastor. and he said one person with a belief is stronger than 10000 people with an interest. so much for all your teachings. as if the 10000 people didn't matter. I think they've loved more than this man has in their entire lives. These people weree raised in a country of peace, who carried out peace talks with Saudi Aabia and India in times of war using their country's own money. And he gunned these good people down thinking the flawed belief you planted in his mind to be of greater importance than anyone else's. great job God, your disciple this one? Just FYI on his activities. you proud?

2011-07-21T22:07:00.000+08:00

It's because he saw her eating a popsicle like a gangster.

2011-07-14T04:27:00.000+08:00

i flipped through the yearbook today and the immediate thought that went through my head was," Why have i ever been so stupid to have hated that place? Those were the best years of my life!"

They always say college is the best, where people who are finally legal do legal stuff like drink booze and have sex. i kinda doubt that that's going to be my best years because people get more selfish with age. and i'll never find that feeling of belonging forever. I don't know why i'm getting so emotional now, it's not like i've forgotten why i hated that place.

Nan Hua High School, gosh, the mention of that name has destroyd any shred of poetic pity i'm trying to create, not to mention that my first paragraph is the cheesiest one anyone can ever utter("those were the best years of my life!",immediate thought that went through my head,"ever been so stupid to have hated that place?" EW.)Anyway, that place that i deemed a hellhole for what seemed like an eternity isn't just "not that bad after all", it's fucking awesome. i never dreamed i would ever say that but if you thought the way i thought, you'd think it was because:

1.everyone could be stereotyped into a distinct category, ie smelly,loser,cool people who are essentially boring etc.

2.all the CCA groups could be despised upon in some way.even the NCC people who think they're so cool and are all chauvinist pricks. in the yarbook they were sitting cross -legged in the photo like some bloody Tua Pek Kong waiting to condemn you to eternal hell (or Heaven if you give them a good blowjob)

3.you'll never lose your way in there after a week

4.that place looks like the most sterile place in the world(obviously in comparison with NJC)

5.that place is painted sky blue and white,what could be more awesome that that as opposed to grey?

6.the canteen is located at an equal distance from every classroom

7.you can lie down on the floor of the toilet and still not have your body parts melting like as if it were being burned by acid

8.there's an aircon in every classroom that aims to freeze your ass off at the end of the day to the extent that when you get home you don't have to switch on the aircon anymore because your body has absorbed all the coldness and is now radiating it ffor the next 12 hours of the day. haven't had that in a while.

9.you get a class counsellor that asks your name and for no reason other than your own foolishness, melts you.for a year. and then you wake up and slap yourself.

10.you can successfully map out the cafeteria seating of everyone. the jocks(near the bbcourt), the antisocialists(aka losers), the communists(china PRC students),the people comfortable with themselves(me and kangli and most of the people i choose to sit with,heh), too-loud barbarians(always singing birthday songs at the top of their voices when it's the most fucking irritating crappy voice in the world), people who eat theeir lunches elsewhere(because they are too loser to even sit with the losers), people who order multiple servings and people who don't need to eat at all go to the toilet.

11.there're 2 ponds. if you feel like abusing stuff go to the ecogarden pond where you can throw stuff into the pond and not be seen committing a crime cos there's bamboo blocking everyone's view.no one can stop you.

12.there're losers who'll like you and make you hate them.which is part of the fun package.

13.CCA days are on fridays. it means i'll have to spend an eternity of a day praying and masturbating myself to jesus songs while secretly thinking of th devil fucking me inside out but that's fine because it's the end of the week and i can spend saturday and sunday atoning for my sin of joining that club by doing absolutely nothing because Monday i can meet Chunyi and KAngli again and Zhen zhou and we'll have those arguments where the loudest person wins again.

i bloody love that place now. i remember why i hated it. because of Surin and Liu Gong Kai. Because they're always promoting some "character development" and values and shit.Because i'm never recognised for anything even though i think i'm actually a one of a kind genius. because i'm in GBCB. because i have to study. but that's all. i had a locker. i had books,books with colours somemore.i had food that i can say with 50% certainty that it is not cardboard. i have only seen one cockroach once in the place.i know everyone and at least 75% of them know me. imma like a fucking warlord. people i don't like i just show it to them. here there's no point displaying your aggression because there are just too many targets,too many of them that have to die.

sometimes i try to console myself by repeatedly murmuring Earl Grey,Quail eggs grey,Grey dove, feather grey,thegreypartofaneggyolk

2011-07-12T21:41:00.000+08:00

A - AVAILABLE: not. as in, i'm not attached but i don't want...intense human interaction,i guess? how do i put it into words? it's like, i don't want...those kinda..."i will share your burdens" cliches. WHAT AM I SAYING? I AM JUST AFRAID OF LOVE.fuck it.

B - BIRTHDAY: the bloody fourth of july baby!!! or whateverthefuckyouare.

C - CRUSHING ON:i crushed a winged ant with my pen tip just now. when i do it i always try not to really crush it but let it be saturated with the ink so it dies by poisoning. yes i'm sick but i think it's a very pretty to die.it's like, in the seconds before it dies it gets to be the majestic indigo of a butterfly. it's my preferred way of killing stuff rather than crushing them. i have not answered the question have i? okay, i'm crushing on shane dressed up as Jack from Titanic. He really does look like Jack.

D - DRINK YOU LAST HAD: water in the "mornings aren't magical!" Tinkerbell tumbler.

E - EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO: definitely not my dragon father. walao. fuck he just accuse me of not knowing how to use skype and am lazy and shit. motherfucker(literally). he never buy webcam how to use? nabei.
F - FAVORITE SONG: i can't choose 1. it's anything by michael jackson, everything by michael buble and most of the stuff by belinda carlisle,thecranberries,white cnake,scorpion and mr big. esp To Be With You. " you don't have to care about little boys that talk too much"

G - GUMMY BEARS OR GUMMY WORMS: none. i like gummy rings. must be some psychological disorder.

H - HOMETOWN: Marine Parade. it's where all my memories are. when i couldn't speak english at all,where the only friends i had were people at least over 60 years of age,where i could ride my tricycle so fast old people jump out of their skins. i loved that place. now i've grown up i see everything clearer now, that people there are pretentious and have their noses in the air.
I - IN LOVE WITH: my dog who just farted and is playing with his squeeze toy right now. i feel very protective of jacky. i don't let yifeng touch him 'cause his hands were sweaty. and when his paws bleed i feel like i'm physically hurt myself. and i love every single part of him.i think i'll make a good honey badger mother next time. i don't want kids,sure,but when i do have one i think that kid can do no wrong.

J - JUGGLE: boobs. everyday.

K - KILLED SOMEONE: no but wish i had. i think it's liberating to be like Sweeny Todd and kill whoever the fuck irritates you. what is a human life anyway? and you can now see that i have underlying psychological problems that need immediate attention.

L - LONGEST CAR RIDE?: all the way to mexico. no,it's just some 12 hour drive to some ulu part in Malaysia called(i forgot what it's called). there, they have a fake beach.FAKE. my parents went for a massage so i spent the whole day doing nothing but waiting. halfway through i threw a tantrum and cried and screamed. i forgot what happened after that. to this day i still think that was a very bastard thing to do,leave me alone in the fucking massage place doing nothing.

M- MILKSHAKE FLAVOR: banana!! or rum and raisin. i love rum and raisin. you know what? i even like rum. confirm next time going to be alcoholic.
N - NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: none and that's the way a-ha a-ha, i like it, a-ha a-ha.

O - ONE WISH: i wanted to say world peace, but then i thought again and i decided that with this power i should abolish all people who are comfortable being boring and are boringand uncomfortable but will never change to be anything else no matter how hard they try. gosh,i hate being with boring people. i rather be mutilated than spend a year with someone boring.

P - PERSON YOU CALLED LAST: thought of calling yiting but i didin't know what i'd say.

R - REASON TO SMILE: blue man make love.

S - SONG YOU LAST SANG: someone like you by adele.

T - TIME YOU WOKE UP: 10am. by the stupid printer operated by the dragon.

U - UNDERWEAR COLOR: Pink. with a pigtail behind.

V - VEGETABLE(S): i don't eat kailan, lady fingers,mani plant(damn gross if you've ever tried, usually cooked with egg. sticky like cum)brinjal,eggplant,celery,onions. that's why i cannot be vegetarian even though i want to.
W - WORST HABIT: biting my nails. i'm surprised my throat hasn't bled.

X - X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD: 1. for my teeth. and i discovered i'm missing one tooth which just disappeared. i liked getting the xray.unprofessional service but impressive equipment.

Y - YOYOS ARE: shake shake in direct translation. yoyos are irritants. last time i had a cheater yo-yo. the string was made of rubber band so it could retract and i just went around swining it feeling like a pro but am actually a noob.

Z - ZODIAC SIGN: Cancer. i'm damn intuitive. but i always observe for very long before confirming anything.
RANDOM QUESTIONS ABOUT YOU

Spell your name without vowels: BLV(wow, looks quite nice,a bit like BVLgari)

Your favorite number:666

What color do you wear most?: pink. i am averse to black clothes.my mum gave me a pretty black lace dress and i've tried it on a billion times but thought i wanted to burst out of it because i feel so damned proper. she also gave me another sexy black top and it's like galaxy-speckled but i only ever wore it once because i feel too sophisticated in it. the whole time i was wearing it i felt sad, old and wrong. i wear my heart on my sleeve and my sleeve wears my heart too.
Least favorite colors?: black. and of course grey which i am forced to tolerate anyday. that day i got cheese on my uniform andd i didn't bother to wipe it cos what's the point? at least there's fucking yellow on that bloody grey now.
What are you listening to?: radio. the guy singing's going like,"Mary Mou Mary Mou she's a vegetarian!! and she's sex-ual!!"
Are you happy with your life right now?: No. i feel even worse after the discovery.
What is your favorite class in school?: BWB

Who is your best friend: Kangli.
When do you start back at school/college?: 2 days time. yuck.
Are you outgoing?: last year i'd have said yes. now,no. it's depressing after a while because i feel no reception at all from the borers at my school. they're so boring they bore a hole through my head.

Favorite pair of shoes?: The $9.90 pair. not pain,elevation and matches everything cos it's made of jeans material. i'll wear them till they break.last time it was a pair of pink leather flats. i wore them till they disintegrated while all the other shoes stared in envy.

Can you dance?: you will never have a chance to judge unless you live opposite my block. if i hear some song i like after i come out of the shower i will dance with my chair. there's no technique at all but i feel damn liberated.and liberation is one of my favourite feelings

Can you sing?:i can get lyrics down pat but when i'm in Yifeng's presence i feel like i shouldn't be allowed to have a voice. and if only in front of this stupid nan hua idol already like that imagine if it's michael jackson. so overall, i think i suck at singing.

Can you tie a cherry stem with your mouth?: never tried. but i can suck cherry sees damn clean. that must make up for most of the oral sex skills i'm missing cause i have no experience tying cherry stems with my mouth.

Can you whistle?: a bit. last time zhenzhou taught me and i kept practicing till i felt a bit faint. now i can whistle in momtone. can't do any song maybe cept rebecca black cos she's monotoned also.

Cross your eyes?: Yes.

Walk with your toes curled?: no. who the fuck does that? maybe people with the what, lotus feet.

THE DO'S
Do you believe there is life on other planets?: Yes and they're probably scorning us.OR OR OR,I know! another planets belong to chinese 'cause scientists tried to match human beeings dna and the indians,eurasians,malays and blacks aare all genetically similar. chinese is the alien race. yellow man make a lot off love till need Mao Chongchong to conrtol for them.

Do you believe in miracles?: Yes. But they're not created by God but the human(or whatever the fuck you are) spirit.

Do you believe in magic?: Yes. for a fleeting second the moment you fall in love. or when you see the birth of a honey badger.
Love at first sight?: Yes. when the soldier just picked a girl off the streets and kissed her after the end of the war was announced. so what if their affair didn't last? they loved each other that moment.
Do you believe in Satan?: I don't believe in god so i also don't believe in satan. but if i were god i'd fall in love with satan because he'd need it, instead of condemning him. Mark Twain once asked that in all these years,who'd ever thought tto pray for the one sinner that needed it most?nobody.
Do you believe in Santa?: NO.i don't think i've ever believed in santa at all. i've been horribly practical from young.the idealistic side is taking revenge now.

Do you know how to swim?: yes but i have no stamina at all. last time in swimming class i only cared about winning. my swimming instrucctor would "launch" us and i'd take off like a dart and i'd always come in first. but i guess now there's no point in that. cheetah. you know cheetahs have no stamina too 'cause their speeds are so fast they'd overheat and suffer brain damage if they went on but they can't run at any other speed either.
Do you like roller coasters?:yes. i feel like i'm being disconnected from the rest of the world when i'm on a roller coaster. i guess it's something about the speed that makes me feel like i'm really losing myself. future drug addict.

Do you think you could handle the stuff they eat on those reality shows?: No. i'm a picky eater. if i see cockroach i'd rather choose swimming with the alligators.
Have you ever been on a plane?: Yes. I love aeroplane food but that statement only holds trrue when i'm on a less than 17 hour flight. i finally understand the term jetlag man. i felt like i could kill something.namely the people in the seat in front of me 'cause of them i have no leg room

Have you ever asked someone out?: no. this thought has never occurred to me before. i mean, i could tell the person i liked him but that's a fact what. what he wants to do about it is still up to him. shit,i am asian after all.

Have you ever been asked out by someone? No. he just told me he liked me. that's just a fact what. and i chose to do nothing about it.
Have you ever been to the ocean?: No. I told my dad i wanted to go fishing with him in Sabah and Mercin where the waves are so strong they splaash you in the face but he said no.give the honey badger a fish and you'll feed her for a day teach the honey baadger to fish and you'll feed her for a lifetime. deny and honey badger will rip your testicles off.

THE WHATS

What is the temperature outside: *holds boobs* 24.5 degrees celcius
What radio station do you listen to?: 95 and 90.5 'cause i'm old. i only come to know about shitty music from yiting who is full of shit.

What was the last restaurant you ate at?: Sim Pack Lang eat-or-fuck-off-from-the-table restaurant

What was the last thing you bought?: tea.so british.

What was the last thing on TV you watched: some guy visting Africa. then i promptly switched it off 'cause i was eating dinner and they were eating insects then he went to some market all the fish put on the floor where it is full of sand,flies and sandflies and the black man cooked salted fish in a very gross way.everything is damn gross.
Who was the last person you took a picture of?: Jacky. the picture-perfect Australian.

Who did you last webcam with?: i don't have a webcam thaat's why i got accused of being stupid dno how to use skype and lazy remember?
Who was the last person you said I love you to?: Shane Dawson's Jack(damn losser talking to the computer screen)

CRYING SECTION

Ever really cried your heart out?: a few times. that time i cut my mum's hair and when she tore my bra and when i threatened suicide over the tv remote. other times i just lie in bed and the tears come cos i think the world is such a sad place. yala,something wrong la. but crying is an expression what. don't judge me.

Ever cried yourself to sleep?: Yes. when michael jackson died. damn loser. and in sec 1. people shouldn't fall in love too young i think. twelve year olds cannot take the pain of a first breakup because they've seen nothing of the world yet. i numbed myself my way and then when the lights went out my eyes would still be open and the tears just came and i didn't even know what was going through my mind that made me so sad.
Ever cried on your friend's shoulder?: i don't think so. i'm cancer remember. i don't show my emotions in public.

Ever cried over the opposite sex?: yes. shane. i really thought we'd be perfect but then over time i think that he deserves more than me.

Do you cry when you get an injury?: i don't cry over injuries. i think they're unworthy of tearss.

Do certain songs make you cry?: yea. heal the world and man in the mirror. actually any song. as long as i don't think about how the song is written by music producers but by the singers from their hearts.i can imagine that exact feeling

HAPPY SECTION

Are you a happy person?: no. i'm a pessimist.

CURRENTLY WEARING

What is your current hair color?: Black. I want red hair. actually any colour is fine,as long as it's outrageous. Oscar Wilde:"i can accept any idea, as long as they are unbelievable"

What shirt are you wearing?: bra and panties.

Pants?: do not like.

Shoes?: barefooted

Necklaces?: the buddha in between my boobs

IN A BOY/GIRL

Favorite eye color: blue duh. or green. i think i'll think he's an archangel and he cannot understand why

Height: i'm 155 so he should be 165 or more. maybe someone damn tall. i want to see his awkward look when he has no idea how to shag me.

HAVE YOU EVER

Been to jail: No

Laughed so hard you cried: a few times

Cried in school: yes. in P2 when my friend didn't want to lend me colour pencils. i'm a drama kid. i locked myself in the toilet and refused to come out till the teacher had to go talk me out.felt like royalty. i'm a honey badger baby

Wanted to be a model: only because i think they make easy money

Done something really stupid that you still laugh about: Countless.

Seen a dead body: yes. a man at the opposite block committed suicide. i watched as his body fell from the top floor. i didn't see the dead body but i saw the going to die body

Been on drugs: smokin da right stuff (herb)

THIS OR THAT

Pepsi or Coke: Coke. my mouth is a toilet

Single or Group Dates: Group, as long as it doesn't end in orgy.at least you can still talk to the other couple and ask them how it's going when your own relationship fails. it's not the 1950s anymore people. i don't believe in finest knights anymore.or soldiers for that matter. no one, no one will sweep me off my feet at Times Square when the end of the war is announced. I support a war. i have no idea what modern romance is meant to feel like. ok,i have,roses and dinner? so not impressed. correction, so not going to be impressed.

chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate

Strawberries or Blueberries: strawberries

Meat or Veggies: (vegan don't judge) meat

TV or Movie: Movie. Movie. i like the after parts, after the movie. where everyone goes for dinner and discuss shit.

Guitar or Drums: guitar. but i can play neither. luckily i'm (i like to think) quite good at words. or else with this inability to express my feelings i think i'll just puff up like a puffer fish and die. if i were to choose an instrument it will have to be... loud. never the piano. how loud can the piano get? must be damn fucking loud can express everything one.

Adidas or Nike: none. all use child labour. and all very ugly. only the material nice to touch. i rather my skin scratched than spend so much money on all that shit that use child labour and look like shit somemore.

Chinese or Mexican: mexican. mexican food, mexican men,mexican fashion,whatever.

Cheerios or Corn Flakes: Cheerios.only because i've never tasted them. what business is it of yours anyway?

2011-07-05T19:09:00.000+08:00

you know how sometimes people( as in people in tv serials and the other mainstream cliches) say stuff like, "i can't bear to lose you" and stuff. you know, like the girl will say to the guy or the guy to the girl?(and you'll be so overwhelmed by the cliche you switch channel and go empty your barf bag) and it's always like... marriage or something. either marriage or agreeing to be the girlfriend or boyfriend. some sort of commitment thingy.

and i was just thinking today that i can't bear to lose anyone. i always tell my mum that the greatest mistake she made was to get married. and worse still, get pregnant. bam. end of your life.and my dad, also the same. after they got married, after they had me, all they have is me, each other and bills to pay. all the other friends, friends they had before they even met each other, they all just seemed to fade away. like as if all of them didn't matter anymore, or couldn't matter,because there were too many other things that mattered. if they didn't have me, and if my mum's friends didn't have kids and get married too, they'd probably still be sipping free magaritas made by enamoured bartenders and reading those fashion magazines on the pool lounge chairs in some upscale hotel, and my dad would probably be a member of some fishing club formed by him and his kampong buddies. and the time of their lives would translate into forever instead of a marriage ceremony. and i just feel... so wasted for them. i don't care if they say i make up for everything, or this family makes up for everything, those kinda propaganda shit lee kwan yew/hsien loong/nathan wants us to repeat cos singapore has low birth rate and shit, because how the fuck can this be true. i can never make up for those group sessions where each of my parents went around the island rowdy and doing whatever crazy shit they felt like doing,saying everything witty and laughing every single second.

If i could i'd marry everyone. I'd marry kangli,yiting, yifeng,minquan,huizhen,eurona,chunyi,lixin blah blah blah. every freaking person i find i have a connection with. tingting and audrey and xinpei. to me, marriage is like, the most bulletproof... contract. if you joined a club, or a gang, you can back out anytime. i mean, if you're in a gang you'd get beaten for doing that, but then that would surely mean the end of a friendship. no. marriage is a contract,sure, but then it's built on trust,love and all that crap. you could get out by divorce but obviously why would we divprce each other. just don't get into any business venture together la. and then we'd be this one big lump of polygamous people who do not fuck each other. it doesn't even sound right but whatever. obviously we can't do that but it's all because of the way the perception of the world is shaped. it's not totally impossible though kinda deplorable. i mean, i love everyone but we would surely make my parents, and a lot of other parents' mistakes,and that mistake is irreversible. we could meet up,yea, but how often? how long is the flight from alabama to wisconsin, how bloody long is it from singapore to wherever, even in singapore,from bedok to marine parade, is already so bloody long.

we should all live in the same neighbourhood forever. if i were banging too loud you all will be irritated but not enough to hate me because you all know i'm like that and like me because. and when i'm bored on friday night i could just pop over to yiting's house for late night starfucks, and i don't care if we have to drive 1.5 hours and end up not drinking any coffee cos we're too tired and we just parked in the middle of a ghetto neighbourhood. or monday night, just pop over to kangli's house play scrabble or something. sunday we could all just gather together at my house,pray to satan and talk crap and then we work at the same place. everything the same.

originally i wanted to write about the zoo trip but then i can't bring myself to repeat it with words(stop repeating stop repeating) because it just wouldn't feel the same

2011-07-03T09:33:00.000+08:00

1. Real Name: Belvia Tan Sok Ngee(Sok Ngee in teochew means to tie your boob with a rubber band and cut off all blood supply to it. I am not kidding)

2. Nickname(s):Bel(but my grandma always pronounce as Biao, like some fucking gangster. “Ah Biao ge”)

4. Male or Female: Female.(or whatever the fuck you are)

5. Birth date: 4 July!!! 1994.

6. Elementary School: Jurong West Primary with racist malay teachers and teachers who think me and kangli are lesbians.

7. High School: Nan Hua High School. That i decided isn’t so shitty anymore IN COMPARISON to the hell i’m in now.

8. College: Anal Junior College

9. Original hair color: Black. But i like to think it goes red when put under strong sunlight. Shut up man, cus i think you judging me

10. Overall or tops: (wtf the fuck is this supposed to me? Imma gna take it as attire)Overalls.because no one else will choose overalls. And overalls have so many pockets. For condoms. And stuff.

11. Shorts or Jeans: Jeans. Because i hate seeing chinese people wearing shorts, including myself.

12. Phone or Camera: Camera. Cause that bloody phone dies on me everytime. So if i were to be kidnapped, i’d rather just take a few high quality pictures of that kidnapper’s ugly face, make myself laugh for a while before i die.

13. Health freak: more the opposite- the unhealth freak. The moment the nuclear radiation broke out in japan, i had this damn strong craving for ebiko, and when the bubble tea was poisoned or something, i just had to go drink koi.

14. Orange or Apple: Don’t like both but i’m going with apple. Cause apples look like butts

15. Do you have a crush on someone: Now? Totally not. You know why? Cause everyone’s chinese. YUCK.

17. Broken Bones: yeah, chicken bones.

18. 100plus or Coke: coke. Cos my mouth’s a toilet bowl.

HAVE YOU EVER?

19. Been in an airplane: duh.

20. Been in a relationship: if you count that childish time in primary 6.

21. Been in a car accident: yes can you believe? I was sleeping the backseat and my dad was driving damn damn fast in malaysia. And then i dno what happened(i was asleep rmb) then he braked and my whole body rolled down from the seat and then from behind(assuming my dad’s the second car), the third car crashed the first car, the fourth car crashed the third car etc. Altogether the accident involved 8 cars and my car was the only car that had no severe problems like the whole bumper break or what. One malaysian car burst into flames. I kid you not. BURST INTO FLAMES.

22. Been in a fight: yes. Must have been more than once, but i only rmb the time someone slapped me in the bus and i slapped back.

FIRSTS & LASTS:

23. First broken bone: none. That’s why i’m still so short.

24. Best friends: Kangli. And Jacky(but i don’t think that stupid dog treats me as his best friend)

25. First award: for a colouring competition in the marine parade library. You were supposed to add pictures into the uncompleted picture of a park. I added birds and tortoises who needless to say looked retarded/injured. I WON FIRST PRIZE. Really. My cousin took the consolation prize and i was about to cry cos i thought i will never win single digit places. But in the end, i won first prize. Wtf right. STABILO. BUY THEIR PRODUCTS.

26. First crush: ha, in nursery 1. I still rmb. His name is gregory. He looks a bit weird. But he was the only one who gave a damn about me. Like, you know cos i could only speak teochew last time so everyone just ostracized me. All the girls hated me. Only kishaf and joey (both are guys. But not a lot) were my friends. But gregory first. And you know when you’r in a group it’s just weird to crush on one of your best friends? So it’s gregory then.

27. First words: must have been mummy or milk or something. My mum said i was a boob/milk addict. But when i drank breastmilk i would immediately puke. And then immediately cry to drink again

28. First phone: my mum’s ex Nokia. As in old, not expensive. It died. Because i was smsing while showering. Genius huh?

29. Last person you texted: Kangli

30. Last person you talked to: my dog.

32. Last food you ate: steamboat from last night. No idea what to eat for breakfast yet. My slaves haven’t awakened to bring me food

33. Last movie you watched: Sweeny Todd-Barber of Fleet Street. I don’t know if that’s the correct title but that’s about it

34. Last song you listened to: Waka-waka. Sang by kangli very awfully yesterday during flag day.

35. Last thing you bought: Long John’s Silver ghetto meal.

36. Last beverage: water. Andd now i have to pee.

37. Last phone call: my mum asking me what to eat on Friday.

FAVOURITE:

38: Sports: gymnastics. Something sadistically satisfying about bending your unbedable body parts to the max. But i can’t split.

39. Bottoms: underwear

40. Flower: flowers are pointless. But if i had to choose, i like daisies. Lazy daisy. Hazy daisy. Crazy daisy.

41. Animal: everything. Cept cockroaches.

42. Colour: Pink.

43. Movie: Titanic.

44. Subject: anything that guarantees instant pass

HAVE YOU EVER: (Put an X in the brackets if yes)

45. [x] fallen in love with someone.(duh! Blind enough to like chinese last time. never again.)

46. [x] celebrated Halloween.(it was a miserable failure. Cos i asked my neighbours for sweets,just asked,without saying trick or treat and they just handed some sweets over awkwardly.)

47. [x] had your heart broken.(blind enough to let chinese break. Never again)

48. [x] went over the minutes/texts on your cell phone.

49. [x] had someone like you. (those bastards deserve to die. I hate people to like me when i don’t like them. Fucking disgusting, at least don’t show me please. Fuck off)

50. [ ] been to LAN

51. [x] got lost in a shopping mall. (the first time jurong point was exapnded and it was on christmas and there were so damn many banglas i could only take one step foward per second and i didn’t know where i was gng. Sucked)

52. [ ] went to a disco.(the bowling alley where i danced like crazy in front of my crush with my maid while disco music blared,counts?)

53. [x] did something I regret.

54. [x] broke a promise.(doing hw)

55. [x] hid a secret.(not very good at it, but i’ve hidden a few. Normally the problem is that i have so many friends that have to tell me secrets. It’s because i am too bloody popular. “it’s not my fault i’m popular!”)

56. [x] pretended to be happy.(for like, a month in NJ. THEN I GAVE UP)

57. [x] met someone who changed your life.(kangli)

58. [x] pretended to be sick.

59. [x] left the country, for a trip

60. [x] tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it.(watching youtube videos and finding shane. Cos i always thought youtube was full of virus and will hang my comp. Techtard)

61. [x] cried over a little thing.

62. [ ] ran a mile.

63. [ ] went to the beach with your best friend. (grounded.)

64. [x] got into an argument with your friends.

65. [x] disliked someone(YOU KNOW WHO? JINYEE)

66. [x] stayed single for 2 years since the first time you had a boyfriend/girlfriend.

CURRENTLY:

67. Eating: Air.

68. Drinking: water. After i peed.

69. Listening to: buses. Driven by CHINAMEN. Who suck. I tell you they don’t know a fuck. Chinaman busdriver made me get lost in some ulu place i will never forget fuck you.

70. Sitting/Laying: laying. On the floor with my dog. And playing with his pink parts, which is a sparse area of his belly and his cute flaccid penis,after which he’ll become offended and warn me, and then bite me.

71. Plans for today: eating katong laksa. Receiving presents from my slaves who’ve just woken up. I know, it’s 3rd july only but still! Never too early right.

72. Waiting for: other slave to wake up

*slaves i’m referring to are the people who’ve copulated to give birth to me, the living sin.

YOUR FUTURE:

73. Want kids: no. But if i really get my kid will be the happiest kid in the world. Cos “i’m not your average mum, i’m a cool mum!”

74. Want to get married: no. Marriage is a contract.

75. Career: no. I just want to do what i like to do. Calling it a career spoils everything.

76. Lips or eyes: Eyes-blue eyes. Or green eyes. Or i don’t care whatever fuck colour so long as it’s not black eyes.

77. Shorter or taller: i want to stay the same. I don’t care. I like my height. Paula Abdul is the same height as me you know, suck it people.

78. Romantic or spontaneous: Spontaneous.

79. Lively or emo: Lively.those emo moods i can leave it to curriculum time in NJ

80. Older or younger: Older(wtf is this even suppossed to me? Of course i’m gna get older in the future la!)

81. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship and then i hope he’ll treat me as a child forever and ever. And then cos he treats me like a child, he won’t expect me to do housework, or anything really capable. So when i tell him, i saved a cat today, i’ll have fireworks in the background and he’ll fall in love all over again. (“you plastics think everyone’s in love with you but the truth is we hate you”)

82. Looks or personality: BOTH.

HAVE YOU EVER:

83. Lost specs/contacts: Yes. And more than once

84. Snuck out of a house: Yes. Delinquent. Aand because i’m grounded until told not.

85. Held a knife for self defense: No. Held a knife with intent for injury, yes.

86. Killed somebody: no walao. Wish i had and could. People on hit list would include adelene tan mui poh, all officers in GB and liu gong kai.

87. Killed an animal: ants. But one so brave for nothing come bite me during bio test that day. Security! This guy has to go. So i chased it with my pen till it died of poisoning.

88. Broken someone's heart: Yes.

89. Cried when someone died: Yes.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

90. Yourself: Yes.

91. Miracles: Yes. Except that i don’t believe that’s god’s doing, but rather the human spirit. I’d sooner be wiccan than christian.

92. Love at first sight: yes. But that ind of love is unreliable. When the magic’s worn off, you’ll just walk seperate ways and both of you will be like, what the hell just happened, strangers again. And that sucks.

93. Heaven: no. We rot afteer we die.

94. Santa Claus: no. Santa claus is a pedo.

95. Aliens: yes

96. Ghosts: yes

97. Is there one person you really want to be with right now? : Yes.the entire america.

98. Do you know who your true friends are: totally. Everyone from NJ cept the dongs, are not my friends. Yes. Even though you friended me on fb. Yes, people, you are not my friends.

99. Do you believe in God : no. Because i choose not to believe in the existance of such... cruelty from a divine being. If god openly called himself the devil, maybe i’d believe.

100. Post as 100 Truths

did this cos i was tagged by gina. but the notes couldn't work. cannot copy and paste. dno why.

2011-06-19T13:02:00.001+08:00

Have you ever sat down after a quarrel and think about the million trillion other ways it could have went but it had to go the way it went? i have. all the time.

Today i took a pair of scissors and snipped off my mum's hair. Her hair looks like shit but then again, it has always looked like shit so it just looks the same. Why? Because i was so angry. i have been simmering for about 17 hours now because she cut my fringe yesterday and she kept insisting it was my fault. you're already so angry and the person who brought this all upon you blames you. that's just great. she said i deserved it because i could see in the mirror but the mirror was about i think a metre away and i have astig. everyone knows that i have astig right! especially her, she knows cos she bought my contact lens BUT SHE REFUSED TO BUY THE ONES WITH ASTIG FOR ME BECAUSE THEY WERE LIKE 1.5 TIMES MORE EXPENSIVE. she always buy something and it's not the thing that i really need. She started me on contacts because in sec 2? i was damn fucking ugly. i knew that man, believe me, i have good taste and i hate my face last time. so she bought me contacts so she wouldn't be blamed/ pitied for an ugly daughter. yeah, whatever. then the optician checked my eyes and said i had astigmatism but the contacts for astig more expensive. if 1 pair more expensive by 1.5 time then dno how many pairs i wear in my life more expensive by how many times. it's not like she can't afford it but she refused. heck, we live in a five-room flat and she can afford to on the tv throught the night till it explodes she cannot afford my astig contacts. but being the cheapskate that i am i never insisted. or maybe it'ss just because i don't have fighting spirit. i thought it was really nice of her to make me look human, i shouldn't be pushing it.whatever. 3 years down the road and i can't see that my fringe has been spiked in the mirror that's a metre away from me. and when i walked closer i was horrified. AND SHE BLAMED ME. she just got in the shower and said it's not her fault. and she was trying to laugh it off. i mean, a fringe isn't that great a thing. it's not like she cut off my hand or anything. but i hate it that she deemed it my fault. i kept wailing that it was her fault but she insisted it's all my fault, i have eyes don't know how to see for myself and is i call her to cut and blah blah blah. i was already simmering already. you know your fringe sucks=bad. and your mum, the perpetrator blames you and laughs at you like , oh look at you, you're so adorable,angry like that, "oh, now you say it's my fault! no it's not my fault you better not blame me i warn you."=FLARE. i said to appease me she must let me do the same back to her.and then the threats started, what i better not be like this, i have something wrong with my brain and stuff, like i worshipped the devil or someething when i just didn't worship god. but then i still had the story to write, the lame snow white story above, so i just went back to doing my stuff. but this morning she's still like, oh, she's more adorable angry. fuck you. i forced her to admit it's her fault and let me cut her hair but she just warned me, say what i better not push it, as if everything's my fault. this morning i was even more angry than last night because you know what? she wanted to sell the flat and move to some landed property. how many times must i say i hate hate hate living in those places? i hate people who act richer than they really are or even really rich also don't need to show what. and right before the war started some guy was supposed to come view the house. i was prepared to tell them that my mum invested in stocks and if they successfully sold our house we were not going to have any house to live in. but that didn't happen, instead i took a scissors and threatened to cut off her hair,see how she liked it. and i meant to cut it off. fuck, it's just hair but you get angry wwhen someone makes it look like shit then blames it on you right? but not that angry till you wanna commit suicide. but then that's the way it went.

she wrstled the scissors out of my grasp and then slammed the scissors down on the table. imagine her big fat pancake face with that hole screaming i don't kow what the fuck. oh, i know what the fuck, she said you better not do it i tell you, what the fuck you want now?! of course i screamed back. i I WANT TO CUT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING HAIR AND BLAME IT ALL ON YOU SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT!!!!and we screamed and screamed then i dno what happened but somewhere in between i punched her. i meant to punch her stomach. seriously it's not really that serious. i always do that, like, her face damn sweaty kiss me i also do that. you know how with some people you pull their hair, or hold their hand or slap their butt or slap their boobs. with my mum i punch her stomach. but of all times today is the one day i missed and i punched her boobs. APPARENTLY. i don't know how true that is. felt like stomach. like who the fuck can differentiate between stomach and boobs. I HAVE ASTIG REMEMBER?

and then she started crying and everything. whatever. you can cry i want to cry even more. how come i born into your stomach how come i'm chinese? at least you hate this violent daughter you can just throw away. me leh? i have to carry your fucking blood forever. so i just went into my room and close the door so i don't hear heer sobbing that only serve to make me more irritated. when ugly people cry for being beaten up cos they've been so mean, no one, least of all the person who beat them, is going to feel sorry for them. i don't care if you look like a million bucks last time. it's like, imagine precious kicking a kitten to death and someone punches her in the boobs and she got high blood pressure and all and she dies on the spot. will you pity her just cos she'ss fat and black and has high blood pressure and died? no. you're only going to think that she killed the kitten because it was pretty and she wasn't. but that's digression. anyway, then she came into my room and screamed at me and a lot of other stuff. i was on the verge of cough yesterday but i think today gone already. i don't even want to test my voice now. and then inevitably comes talk of suicide. WHATEVER LA! death is wonderful who the fuck doesn't want death i also want. but i'm not going to die in singapore. i'm not going to die virgin. i want to die because i'm bored or i'm sad. tadah! sad=suicide=end of sadness. so i pointed that out to her, i said first you destroy my hair, now you want to destroy my life. and then she scream scream scream and say what the fuck you want!! so i said i want to cut your hair like you cut mine. i kept on saying that and i said a lot of other things in between. i said i don't think she's suitable to be a mother, she only born me to play only. i didn't say this in a fit of anger. yesterday night i was telling my maid that i really thoght so. like, if there was ever famine or what and everyone hid in the storeroom she would just offer me all the food. but at night when nobody's looking she'll just gorge and the next morning we'll find all the food gone and we'll all starve to death. no one will blame her but i will. and if got famine my grandma will threaten to die so she can save food for everyone, but my dad will stop her and then she come back and quietly start eating. my maid will just flee i think. Only my dad will starve himself . my dog won't, but he won't run away no matter how hungry he is. like, if he sees me eating Jaccky will expect some food too. but if there isn't any food he won't leave me. Although this scenario hasn't been tested i'm quite sure it will turn out like this. because i can feel,dammit. when i'm sick only my maid, my dad and my dog give a damn. my mother would rather watch tv in her air conditioned room, TV for satan's sake, than to sponge my forehead and make sure i don't vomit and have not become crazy from the virus yet. and she said no one can control me except my dad. it's not a matter of control, it's love. i respond to love and not money, is that really so hard to see and understand? and then my dog was all over the place yelping and telling us to stop so when she oull me from my chair the chair fell on my dog and i was even more angry than i had been because my dog is more fucking important than my life, how can she hurt him, hulking big beast that she is, just because her own offspring angered her and didn't turn out the way she desired. fuck you, poor excuse for a lifeform. she pulled me off the chair and screamed at me to cut her hair if that was what i wanted so i started crying because i really hated her so much so much and i just snipped the the sides of the off but really, it's still kind of the same-LIKE SHIT. and then after that she threatened to die again, and she kept wailing, if you think your mother don't need to go to work you go ahead and cut. HA, YOU SAY ONE OKAY, i rreally don't give a damn if you look like shit at work. you already do anyway. and then after that she had some spark of inspiration and threatened to cut my hair since i can do to her what she do to me, she can also do the same. so i want to let her cut she call me to sit on the floor but i said why should i? i;m on the same level as you then i thrust my hair in her face and force her to cut then she never cut. and then she said if i punch her bereats she also can punch mine, then i was like,fucking raging already i screamed at her to do it then i started punching myself. yes i'm possessed by the devil and you're the one who gave birth to me so that makes you the creator of evil and creators must think evil is good before they create it or else why would someone make something they don't like on purpose. i'm digressing. anyway,

she just said i wanted to show you that i don't have the heart to cut your hair but you have the heart to cut mine. MY FAULT AGAIN. you see, people who function under influenece of anger will not be seized by guilt right before they commit a crime. the thing usually comes after. and i will only feel remorseful if you didn't thrust the blame back in my face, AGAIN. then suddeny it became clear to me, she wanted me to sit on the floor so she can throw the scissors down and make the whole scene look like i'm a wretched wretched girl who's violent and ruins lives. and stuff. my maid kept telling her not to be angry cos she has high blood pressure but you know what i think? the high blood is she ownself cause one. she eat all those unhealthy stuff and at night not even doing anything important watch tv. lack of sleep and keep eating get high blood is my problem meh. fucker. and how inconvenient for me. just because you have a problem you brought upon yourself, i must give way to you so you don't collapse. fat hope pun intended but it's not funny.

and we continued arging some more and then somewhere along the way she said but when i cut your fringe i saw nothing bad about it, i just thought you lookd so pretty in my eyes and then at that point i thought i was going to break, i was going to collapse into her and apologise. maybe she did love me. but no, she said this so i would cool down enough to hear her next sentence. i'm a monster an a devil and she won't give me any money to go overseas i have a bad, sucky character she didn't expect that she would born something like that. FUCK YOU. I FEEL EVEN MORE REGRET BEING BORN BY YOU.

if she had siad something nice at all and meant it and admitted it was all her fault sincerely, i would have been broken. but no, she only apologised under all that screaming to stop it. it's like, " i admit it's my fault ok! i admit! what you want now! what you want!"

so i told her i "had the heart" to cut off her hair because i've never really liked her that much my whole life.

and then she went on sobbing saying i was devilish and stuff i have no god blah blah blah.

then when i went back to my room she started inspecting her hair and telling my maid that it's not her fault my hair is like that blah blah blah and she continued blaming me. so i was like, so you still don't admit it's your fault? and she was like, crazy? what for i admit? it's not my fault. and she continued saying i was horrible violent, she don't want to give me money to study, don't want to leave any of her assets to me. okay, whatever. i don't give a damn. i make sure you get what you pay for and that's $0. it's damn disgusting. when i thought this argument was about whether or not she loved me, she thought this argument was still about win or lose. what the fuck! so the conclusion in her terms is, it's not her fault. i am a devil. my conclusion is, my theory was right. she only born me to play with me. and to have a higher status in the family. she told me this herself before, she said luckily i born you then can shut that OI(short form for old idiot, my grandma) up.

thanks a lot. i hate you too. i thought of a billion ways this argument could go, but then this had to be the way. it's utterly revolting.

2011-06-19T11:49:00.000+08:00

i wrote a story last night because i saw some competition on the NJC website. i tried to rush it out in an hour cos i thought yesterday night was the deadline but turned out the deadline was 16th. i miss it by 2 days. nevermind, it wasn't very good anyway. here's the story, read it if you want, but i shall spare you. it's only about snow white, delinquent that she is, ran away and met 4 shorties who happen to be rock stars. but how can that be possible right? rock stars should be sexy and all, i then don't want to hug someone shorter than me but still look old.yuck. anyway.

Snow White and the 7 Rockers

“Snow White darling! Where are you?” Old Mel called out frantically.

”Oh God, mistress is going to kill me if I don’t find her soon!”she muttered and wrung her hands in agony.

Snow White stifled a mischievous giggle as she heard the worry in the voice of the old servant. As Old Mel’s footsteps faded away, Snow White emerged from her hiding place behind the wild Thornberry bush and broke into a frenzied run.

Snow White had no idea where she was going but she certainly was sure she had to break free from her captivity in her own home. When Snow White’s mother died, her father had remarried a remarkably plain-faced, boring woman. She forced Snow White to cook and clean and worst of all, taught her what she deemed “proper woman’s etiquette”. She acted like she knew better than everyone else, most of all Snow White about anything and everything. She even stopped Snow White from reading the sparse books of fairytales she owned, insisting that “a woman should know that her place is not to be above that of her future husband”, as if that made any sense. To Snow White’s chagrin, her father never said anything in Snow White’s defence, preferring instead to agree with his dull wife. Snow White hated it. She couldn’t stand the senselessness of it all. The monotony of sewing picture after picture of roses and magnolias and being made to do every single thing daintily-even breathe- was making Snow White mad with lust for the wider, wilder world outside that prison.

Lost in her own thoughts, Snow White suddenly found herself at the door of a rather tall rainbow-shaped house. Curious, she peered in one of the stained glass windows and saw a rather funny-looking little man sleeping in what seemed like a baby’s cot. He sensed her presence and his eyelids immediately flew open. He pressed a button the wall and it opened and he stepped inside, appearing outside the house a few second later.

“What’s your business here?” the little man snapped rudely as Snow White stared in wide-eyed fascination at the magical button on the wall.

“Oh, I was just passing along that little path over there,” Snow White pointed to a beaten gravel road down across the stream, “when I found myself standing in front of this… odd-looking , beautiful house so I peeped in for a while but you caught me immediately. I am so sorry.”

“So you’re saying you’re not a spy?” he asked briskly.

“No! Of course not! I hate to admit this but I just ran away from home,” Snow White replied guiltily.

“So you’re saying you’re from this era then? Tell me what year it is,” the little man insisted.

“The year? Oh, it’s 1239,” Snow White replied, slightly confused.

The little man broke into a laugh and said, “Good, good. My name’s Greg but I’m known around the place as Sniper. Why don’t you come have a seat inside my little indigo apartment and we can talk some more.”

As Snow White sat down to a drink Biker called soda, she learned that he was a member of a band called SCREAMS. The other members had funny-sounding names such as Shrieker, Crier, Reaper, Elixir, Agoniser and Moper. Greg said their names were “rad”, whatever that meant. What was even more unbelievable was that they came from the year 1987 on a time machine to shoot the music video for their latest album. Apparently the band made some kind of music called “Rock” and Greg wanted her to be part of the music video. Snow White decided to have a listen to the music before she agreed.

“We want you to know we are not your slaves/ we are not in your power / we are ablaze!!!!!” As the final shrieking notes ended on the thing Greg called a radio, several other little men emerged from their multi-coloured apartments to join them.

“Hey Greg, where’d you find the girl?” one of them slurred.

“ Oh, she just appeared out of nowhere. A true citizen of the year 1239,” Greg answered with a little twinkle in his eyes then turned to ask her, “So, how’d you like the song?”

“Oh I loved it! That… that raw, feral-sounding shrieking and screaming truly expressed all the pent-up frustration I felt being told what to do against my will all the time! I felt… I felt like running away with the song!” Snow White struggled to put all those complex feelings into words.

A few minutes later, a woman about Snow White’s height helped her put some coloured powders on her face and told her to get ready to shoot the music video. Snow White was so excited she could hardly breathe. That was when she saw Charlie, her stepmother’s irritating nephew.

“Hey Snowy!” he was always giving her those horrid little nicknames that she absolutely hated.

“What Charlie? What do you want?” Snow White rolled her eyes at him.

“Oh, apparently, you have since been betrothed to me by your father and as a token of my love, please accept this apple,” Charlie tried to sound sincere but failed miserably.

The sleeping apple! Snow White thought in horror. Taking a bite out of this apple meant that she agreed to marry him and that she would fall asleep for the whole time until her first child was born!

He was staring expectantly at her awaiting her agreement when she suddenly slammed the dainty little dressing room table so hard he yelped in surprise.

“Who the hell do you think you are, thinking I would marry you when in fact I don’t even like you?”Snow White screamed angrily as Charlie took a step back.

She proceeded to throw the perfume bottles on the dressing table at him until he was chased out of the dressing room. Still, she had not had enough. Seeing an axe propped up on the glass wall of the indigo layer of the apartment, she took it, heaved it on her shoulders and proceeded to shatter the exquisite little rainbow house. That was when she snapped out of her rage and felt the regret of her actions gushing into her heart. Charlie had fled long before the last layer of the rainbow apartment collapsed. As she turned to face the seven little men, ready to be reprimanded, Greg started a slow applause as everyone stared at her in awe. Slowly the hesistant applause grew into roaring approval as they all congratulated her on her astounding performance. Unbeknownst to her, the cameras had already started filming when she was sitting at the dressing table and the profound rage that she felt was the exact feeling the band wanted to capture.

“So, what do you say? Do you want to join the band for good or not?” Greg asked her after the applause had died down.

She nodded her head and everyone cheered.

That, dear readers, is the story of how Snow White became a member of White SCREAMS.

Written by : Belvia Tan (National Junior College, 17)

Class:11SH21

2011-06-17T03:44:00.000+08:00

"You go, you serve your sentence, you try to replicate Johnny Depp's career and then you move to Paris."

-Alex Pettyfer

I love this quote (except for the move to Paris part. why should we move to Paris? Paris is full of snobbish people who think they all know better about fashion and crap. In Paris you sit in a coffeehouse drinking coffee ALONE. taking in the sights, sounds, smells on a bike, ALONE. so fuck you Paris.) I don't know who the fuck this Alex Pettyfer is, except that Yiting loves him and he acts in beastly as some mutilated creature who eventually shags(or at least kisses) Vanessa Hudgens and he currently has mouth herpes now. But i love this quote.

I mean, you go out there into the world doing shitty jobs (aka serving your sentence) and you thought that was it, that was going to be the rest of your life. But then someone discovers you pumping petrol( aka the start of Johnny Depp's career-fyi,he really worked at a petrol station before Hollywood) and you become something so inconceivably... accomplished? that wasn't the word i was looking for but it beats successful hands down. i was going to say something like, it was a dream.

Sudden inspiration came from Xiaxue's blog because when i read her 2003 entries, she was working as a tiger beer girl, promoting some stupid energy drink and getting all excited just because after the whole promotion thing she was going to get a free Bintan trip with all the other promoters and possibly getting a new handphone. And she was also stupidly in love with some jerk smoker who leads her on with his... conversation that have all been very misleading and everything. people should just leave someone to die if they have no intention of starting a relationship with her. unless you're already her friend. but then again tht is also very misleading. so just to keep things simple, just let the dying die. anyway anyway, it's just so stupid right? she was working for $5 an hour serving shark's fins soup at some dingy banquet-holding restaurants that must surely be unsanitary because it's full of Chinese cooks( and Chinese cocks) and then she's now here endorsing what, Liese from the comfort of her home and earning enough to buy $200+ worth of Swarovsi crystals to bling her Blackberry and with her husband who doesn't need photoshop for the love of dog.Shit, I'm sounding like some fucking Forbes reviewer now.

"For the sixth richest person below 21 we have the Prince of Ubezkhistan with a whopping worth of $999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999. He inherited his wealth from his dad his mom his online pimping business and stuff"

but i just think that it's kind of incredible right. if it's incredible even for me to think about it think about how the people in question must feel. Jennifer Lopez was a secretary, Johnny Depp was a petrol pumper, Jennifer Aniston a waitress who sucked at waitressing and now they all have wealth they can never imagine they would ever acquire. And you know why? it's because their parents kick them out of the house as was customary for American kids reaching 18 years of age. And Xiaxue's parents let her work part time while she was in Poly as a what? Tiger girl. But i can never do that because i've been caged too long. I've been too pampered. Me and my dog, we'll both die if we're thrown out in the wild with $100. Irony that i used to threaten my parents that i would take my dog and run of where they can't find me. I thought i was being responsible. No, i was being selfish because i knew i couldn't survive without Jacky. It's a miracle i can even have these sensible thoughts after my prolonged imprisonment. I often wonder if my parents knew where they were going with this project of theirs. They were too in love with me and because of it, i feel( at least right now) that i don't have any fighting spirit. Heck, even when boarding escalators i always let everyone go first when i should have put one foot in front of the other and nt let pesky people push their way past me. I usually do not display any wish to be some first in everything person unless i get really angry. In fact, come to think of it, i don't even have any wish to succeed at life at all, by success i mean the conventional way, married with kids to a husband with stable income or flourishing career and on the way to Orchard apartment and Lambourghini at 25. No. actually i think i would die if this happened to me.

All my life i never had to fight for anything. i got really angry if i had to fight for something and then the fight would be terminated. I haven't done anything with my life, just gone through the education system. I asked my mum if i could get dnce lessons once she said no and i didn't exactly fight it, although i asked more than once. that was the end of me doing anything else other than doing the mimimum i could. I didn't even ask to get a dog. i just said, wouldn't it be great if we had a dog and when i didn't get one i didn't fuss i just accepted. my grandma asked for Jacky. I wonder if my parnts knew where the hell they were going with me. They told me to be a dentist because it earns a heck of a salary and other jobs with ridiculous salaries. But seriously, i didn't have a will for a lot of things. I suck at "power games", i'm not malicious enough. I'd die as a model, becausei'd have to freelance, which sucks, and i have to pretend to like those bitchy people,double die. luckily i don't qualify as one. So anything involving an office and/or me going out to look for food is out. So what now? geeky lab technician whose job does not require talking/ reseacher also does not require talking and other jbs that do not require socialising too much because that would lead to inevitable bitchy quarrels. People hate me. People i like hate me. People i don't know hate me. And i make people i hate hate me because it's no fun one-sided. Qihui hates me. Ruichen hates me. People from NJC hate me andi might or might not know them but i know they definitely hate me. An people hate me for no reason i hate them back but really, it's not even that strong a feeling. i don't hate them. maybe dislike them. but what i feel is more of curiosity. I'm like, why does this happen? They don't even know me that well as a person who are they to judge me and a billion questions. Sometimes when people hate me it makes me angry for the unreasonable reasons but mostly it just makes me sad. I don't know why. Because I know and everyone who truly loves me tells me there is no reason for it to be that way.

Conclusion, i have no fighting spirit.Ha, I am so John Lennon, LOVE NOT WAR!

Conclusion of conclusion: limited job opportunities. possibly going to die the moment i step out of the house. but i have to go, you know, that is for the best. i have no fighting spirit now but i might have it later but hwne i do have some of it, i will be a better person because i know how wonderful it is not to hate people for anything, how wonderful it is to disagree but still love the person who disagrees with you. Ting ting you have to stay like that always ok? Don't ever let people change you, even for the better. Sure, change the way you see things but don't change your core of that silly, funny, happy, distacted girl. don't become "highly efficient" because you're not like that. And everyone else, if perfect's what you're searching for, then just stay the same and i am never going to listen to any Bruno Mars song for the rest of my life because they all suck but i love that line.

i am going to serve my sentence for abour 2 years in this fuckshit school and then more in fuckshit university and burn myself cooking, break my heart in the middle of mid term papers, freeze in my room because i hate washing my clothes and not wearing= no need to wash them, and i'm going to die a billion times over than if i'd stayed here but i'm going to replicate Johnny Depp's career(sort of, in the Vet kind of way) and then i'm moving into the forests. but that sounds a bit far-fetched. but wonderful doesn't it? but then again, i have no fighting spirit so i'd give it a 50-50.

**You know why i should be a vet?***

Because:
1. I don't think i'm good at talking to human beings who are even slightly unwilling to accept me.
2. But i still love talking.
3.And i can talk to animals without a word of fuck in an entire paragraph. unless i'm describing the animal fucking.
4. i can talk about animals without a word of fuck in an entire paragraph. unless i'm describing the animal fucking.

5.I can accept and love all animals, even those rabid, disease-infested kinds, like a toilet bowl can accept even the stinkiest shit.
6.i love the bond between different species of animals. human-goat. goat-cat. whatever. i love that when one animal loves me, it'll love the rest of the animals that i love. and the more of them i care for, the more perfect harmony can happen.
7.i love seeing the world through an animal's eyes. you never know what they've been through but it's always beautiful to imagine. the lone mongrel seraching for food on a hill,its paws bleeding. my dog sleeping at home, waiting for the clock to strike 6 so he'll get his dinner. it's like a tale of two cities.
8.animals make me learn so many things, things that really matter like love. and not the price of a Lambourghini.
9.If there was a god, a newborn animal is the purest of all the love he can give anyone, not a child.
10.Animals are kinder than human beings in every way. Because they act on instinct, a lot of things are not their fault, but the fault of their reflexes. For murderous animals, ie elephants that slam 100kg logs on the heads of their mahouts or chimps that claw your eyes out, they have been tortured at some point in their lives. It's common knowledge that elephants ofetn have spears as their remote controls and baby chimps suffer the most brutal of fates when their mothers are killed when they're babies, they have to fend for themselves when they don't even know how, their homes are constantly destroyed by logging and the fucking cherry on top of the dung cake, they still have to bear with monkey hierarchy. This combination of desperation and humiliation and stress can lead some human beings to become terrorists, isn't it only bearable that monkeys attack you for 5minutes?
11.i also like learning about diseases and rattling off all their senseless names and know what i'm talking about.
12. i like that myself, at 155 cm, can ever speak to a doberman, or gorilla or even a lion, and get it not to bite me. i believe that they know somewhere inside them that i'm doing things that are good for them. i think if a killer instinct is an instinct in animals, then love is also an instinct. and gratitude. sometimes the killer instinct outweighs the others. sometimes miracles happen and i live in the hopes of ever witnessing them.

2011-06-12T13:13:00.000+08:00

i met ting ting last friday and i... i guess i am just so proud of her in a way. I think we've both grown up in some way. Adding that 11 months of age to myself has opened my eyes so much, at least to Singaporeans and life in singapore, and what i'd possibly become if i continue living here. Ting ting told me that she realised everyone does something for a motive. she gave me the lowdown on life and although talking to her made me get a mental picture of hell on earth, and that earth was a horrible, traumatising place and all, it suddenlt dawned on me, this very weird feeling, that i am already like this myself, like, i already know that the world is a horrible,practical place, except that i didn't know that i knew(if you're still catching what i say). i guess i alreaady knew all along but some naive part of me hoped otherwise. i always had this idealist notion that strangers can be the best people you'll ever meet in the world, because the world is so big, nothing's impossible and stuff. and that even if i can't find my footing anywhere, there must be a... slab of rock(?) somewhere out there in the middle of ocean where i'll think it's most comfortable to stand on one leg. AND STUFF. you know?

just eight months ago i was still writhing on the floor of the nan hua toilet in pain from menstrual cramps and ting ting and kangli and the rest of the female population from my class came to visit the murder scene exhibit at regular intervals. actually it was super pain but it slowly subsided but i just stayed there cos i wanted to skip lessons and it was too cold inside. just six moths ago ting ting was still the one with the baby voice, alwyas holding my cheek and going, "bel-via!" and then now, worldly-wise, mad at people, and going "fuck" and "fucking" all the time, and she never said that! for some reason i feel very proud of her for that because last time i was always the one who dished out philosophy and "we are doomed no matter what we do" messages and now she's the one telling me that. but then again i feel a bit sad because 2010 isn't ever coming back. and the ting ting with the funny relationship with that weird china guy who's super vain isn't coming back. and the everything isn't coming back, all the Cheat games, all the eczema flakes and tissues from jerrald, all the condor insults from zhenzhou and arguments that you can only win with a very large lungful of air and Chunyi, who has fucking telepathic minds with me and who knows exactly all the nonsense fuckshit i'm talking about and whatever i point out, it'll be like, wi was thinking that too!!!

will i ever meet people like this again?

2011-06-03T19:49:00.000+08:00

i feel so miserable in NJ but when i see everyone so happy i thought," no reason i can't be like this too. how can i be the one with the problem?" but i guess maybe i am. it's easy to like the school(a teeny weeny bit) when i don't have to be there daily. and then there's the definite plus of stepping outside the enclosure i share with my maid and dog and we poop and urinate all over the place, even just for a sec.

if everyone can be happy, MOTHERFUCKER, SO CAN I.

nabei.

2011-05-31T18:17:00.001+08:00

i know i'm bloody vain but one of my ambitions is to become a blog of note author.

i don't exactly know how to qualify for it and i think at my present situation i don't qualify for it because all the other blogs of note authors have some form of a hobby(at the very least they feature pictures in their blogs) or in other words a life, and i don't.

i only have my opinions and radical ideas.

in the [i have no idea what] century traders were the lowest caste people because they don't make stuff.

i think maybe writers should also be the lowest caste in that time because we don't make stuff.

and writings can't be considered a product right? what are words? and ideas, they're intangible.

anyway anyway! i just want to be a blog of note someday.

but like every part of me and my life, this is also a contradiction because i don't want to let anyone know of my blog, any form of publicity strictly prohibited.

people who chance upon my blog and keep reading it i can't stop them but i won't go so far as to tell anyone of its existance. and the address.

and yet here i am wanting to be a blog of note while trying to hide my blog.

i don't know why i hide it, it's nothing to be shameful about anyway.

sometimes i'm sad and sometimes i make brilliant revelations, and i'm not always chirpy and wacky, it's nothing to run away from.

but i just don't like to tell people that i really have another side to me, people from reality i mean.

and when they read this the cat's out of the bag.

they'll know i'm actually really more different than i really am and maybe you'd argue that that's not necessarily a bad thing but... i don't know, i guess i just wouldn't be able to cope with it.

then everyone's going to expect me to launch into a philosophical diatribe at appointed hours of the day. when they have a problem i'm supposed to know how to solve it and alleviate their pain.

and in any situation,i'm going to have to act like my written philosophy ; i can't scoff at old people and all that because i'm supposed to feel they have a life story and whatever. (i scoff at old and dying old people, yes, whatcha gonna do? they have a life story,all right, and it might've been beautiful and all, but beauty is not eternal if not frozen in time. what is physical suffering? everything can be gone, and if your life is yours, it is yours to take. i would, why wouldn't anyone else? i can't understand that? is it because they're afraid of dying? because they don't have the stomach to kill themselves? i don't know)

it's just so difficult you know? to have two contrasting stories, contrasting lives, match up, their only similarity being the author and the elements that are forever, compassion, passion and whatnots.

it's like Murakami, the author of Norwegian Wood. a readership of 9 million can make fame all fine and dandy but then when an explosion of fame comes along, and everyone just worships you for your work, they don't see you as a person anymore, and it can drive people like him to depression.

i guess i'd be driven to depression too. i like it when people read my blog, people i do not know, that is. i feel like i can ride on the coattails of fame, and having my name known everywhere, in another country, where no one knows me exactly. splash my name all over billboards in Antarctica, i'd love for it,i don't live there anyway and my current neighbours won't ask me for my opinions. thank you everyone in Antarctica for loving my work, and i love you too but only if i don't live with you and have some of you as my neighbours and people who know me for real and stuff.

i think life would be too stressful also if i had to be in this constant "writer" mood.

remember how i said there had to be a certain pain for beautiful writing to occur? every time i write, some part of me suffers, anger and sadness and hatred and all that (there're benefits too, like relief. that's why i continue), it's like the death of a little innocence and blissful ignorance every single time, even now.

i can't be immersed in this mood every single day, because if everyone i know in reality knew i was really like this, i would have to be in a constant low and my opinions cannot have a trace of nonsense.

ironical as it may sound, i think being goofy actually keeps me sane( as in not clinically depressed).

but with some people i know i can just be myself, my true self with these both sides perfectly unbalanced. and these people are called friends (eg kangli, huizhen, eurona, lixin, yiting, -minquan* i don't know- ...ehh..i think that's just about the number of people i know who read the blog)feels like i'm doing a shoutout thing here.

so people of singapore, stop reading my blog. people who know me,stop typing my name into google search because today i saw some of the search keywords as belvia drama and all that shit. people of the USA and Netherlands and india and iraq and saudi arabia, pleased to have you here.

**because i don't know what minquan thinks of me sometimes, must be really weird for him that we talk about sex in school and then i come home and say, omgosh, i'm in pain, i like the pain the poets seek and all that. and aboout that pain, i'm not going to elaborate. because if i say it the world's axis will tilt for sure and the sharks and crocs will be washed out from the oceans and bite everyone's heads off.

*********************because green is good for your eyes*****************************

Marlena to August

2011-05-30T20:52:00.000+08:00

Every tortured Marlena to every dreadful August

If a word doesn't rhyme,

You change it.

If a dancer doesn't keep in time

You force it.

If life is not sublime

You make it.

If a horse is past its prime

You kill it.

That's always been the way you did things;

Every action, every word, always stings.

But still, i wasn't done with imagining

And eventually I let you put on that wedding ring.

Then you began tormenting me everyday

Everything had to be done your way

How loud the lions roared and the donkeys brayed

How we all cowered under your stare- afraid.

I let you command me before

BEcause then my life was mine to call

Now it isn't, and i won't let him fall

You'd better quit now or risk losing it all.

You of all people should know the art of seduction

An overly complicated game of deduction

The stakes are high in fatal attraction

Whereby only death can bring liberation.

So one of us shall die tonight

In this darkness anger ignites

Life has taken us on one wild ride

I wish I'd loved you before this fight.

"You'd never understood me," I thought

As your vacant stare penetrated my body sorrow-wrought.

Outstretched arms told me this was what fate brought

And that ultimately death was what every life sought.

I felt heartless because there was no remorse

In the aftermath I just let nature take its course

Happiness has to be taken, even by force

Happiness for me meant throwing open the circus train's doors

And running away from all that applause.

marlena, the original, didn't want to and didn't run away from the applause. and she didn't kill him. and he wasn't killed at night. but that's just how i like to think of her, femme fatale. maybe i should have watched black dahlia or something first or else every femme fatale i'd have in my head is of marlena. Femme fatales are sexy, sure, but i think it's those who kill for a reason who're the most stunning of all, don't you think? and i don't think a femme fatale is necessarily a woman who kills someone else. I think Lexi is a femme fatale, Lexi from Dogs of Babel, the book that i was at one time crazy about because i honestly believed I'd live like that, confirmed with a mental disorder, tattooing my head with snakes like Medusa and going to prom with that tattooed head bare with no wig, and finding love in the darndest of places(she found hers at her garage sale which no one attended and sold him an egg cutter). and he would love me no matter what and if i asked him if i'd had a tattoo, he, convinced that he knew every inch of my body, would say no and then i'd tell him about the head of snakes and despite everything beautiful that has ever happened, i'd go kill myself by climbing and jumping from the apple tree. and he would be so distraught, he'd try convincing my dog to talk because it was the only one who saw everything. Yeah, she was a femme fatale because she took her own life. I'm not because i haven't.

2011-05-29T22:27:00.000+08:00

strong urge to write. i don't know about what but imma going to sit here for a while and type senseless stuff and maybe what i really want to say will come out.

nope. nothing yet.

"Mornings aren't magical!"screams my tinkerbell tumbler i bought in usa, made in china and spilled last night all over the floor and on my deathbed mattress.

i have to go for bio on tuesday. i'm supposed to check km for it but i'm still resisting because resistance has been successful throughout the course of history for many times, the red revolution or something, not to mention democracy's fight over monarchy in many countries. so many if i resist long enough the bio thing will go away. the worst part of going to school is socialising with people who don't understand me. nevermind that they don't understand. they don't know me still want to don't like me. and the worsest worsest part is that I DON'T EVEN GIVE A FLYING FUCK and they just spend their pathetic lives hating on people who don't even know their fucking names. and these are the people i'm forced to go to school with everyday. i mean, "they" as in the majority of my school. rant rant rant. my life sucks, your lives sucks, what's new?

okay, i've got it.

i'm going to write about parallel universes because it has been torturing me the whole day. imagine 3 parallel lines, all three are parallel to each other. okay. then imagine the middle parallel line wanting to meet with the first parallel line but the first parallel line wants to meet with another parallel line on another piece of paper and this is of course impossible because they are parallels. nevermind then, the middle one wants to meet with the third parallel line and that again is impossible. the bloody parallels are never going to meet and it just irritates the shit out of me, you know? why are human relationships always so frustrating?

i've got a few names for the relationships that i hate. one's called the "touch and go", you know each other for what? 6 years maybe? and then you just forget about each other. another's called the "take and give", conditional relationships. you don't associate with each other unless both of you benefit from it, i'm not saying as a friendship experience or other generous stuff like that, i'm speaking academically or money-wise or just being linked to someone famous, something along those lines. the third's called the "like it or not", which is what i'm facing now in my school, everyone pretending to smile and suck it up and pretending to like each other. we might all as well be Kabuki actors. sometimes it's just so... tiring to smile. some people i don't exactly dislike but it's just... every moment i'm with them i think about how uncomfortable i am, and how everything's different when i'm with people i really like. i think it's easier being a Kabuki actor. all your masks are ready-made, and your face painted, you don't even have to laugh, the mask does it for you.

back to the parallel lines. (the fourth type of relationship i hate is the "parallel line") i think people always fall in love with the wrong people at the wrong time for the wrong reasons under wrong influences. everything is wrong. anything from any direction that could possibly contribute to that, is wrong. if this relationship had a shape, it would be the impossible shape. an endless flight of stairs or the neverending pyramid or something. it's like a lone speck of dust on an otherwise perfectly clean whiteboard, it just makes me extremely, inexplicably frustrated. i hate staring at parallel lines, they make me angry. it's just bloody sickening isn't it? that 2 lines are seperated by a mere 1 degree on the protractor. likewise the human beings that represent them, always chasing the person in front, while the person they're chasing is chasing someone else and these stupid creatures never ever think to look back and run in the opposite direction and see who's chasing after them. really deserve a kick in the groin. and then when they finally turn back, it's to scold the person chasing after them. or even if they don't and they run towards the person chasing after them, that person, in that splitsecond, has already run in another direction. another parallel. just great. doesn't this story just frustrate you?

and then people get so desperate they marry the first person that doesn't run parallel to their lives. and wham! kids and a big fat divorce document. i call divorce relationships a tornado. because that's how the parties involved feel. they can't really describe their feelings, it's not just anger and bitterness and regret and everything negative, there's some kind of relief, that breath of freedom, it's a whirlwind of emotions. and i hatee that too, not being to describe how i feel. when that happens i feel so choked i could cry.

2011-05-26T14:47:00.000+08:00

The poet needs the pain

The words must bear the strain

The heart rules the brain

And from the pain it can't refrain

Because the heart is often vain.

i have something i cannot say because it will cause the balance of the universe to shift and the earth to tilt and throw all the people on the face of this earth off the globe and everyone will end up in the middle of the milky way with no protection whatsoever after which everyone will be burned by the stars and the oxygen and whatnot and i would have single-handedly destroyed everyone's lives by saying exactly what i can't say. but please just understand that my... inspiration for insightful stuff is coming back. and really, the author, the poet, the whatever literary shit, we all need the pain. at first i didn't believe but it really is true. what's the point of writing prose when there's nothing new? how do you move people to tears if you've no pain? how can every story be about happy bane? it can't. i can't force myself to write stuff that i don't feel worthy of putting into words. but it's coming back. and each one of you is going to rejoice at my unhappiness, at least make it worth it.

all this sadness makes me sick

i don't care if it makes me weak

i like this pain the poets seek

2011-05-22T12:01:00.000+08:00

yesterday i was talking with my mom and dad about leaving and money and marriage (in that order). they couldn't understand why i am so strongly opposed to marrying chinese men. they kept giving me the western stereotype and i kept giving them the asian stereotype. my dad said western men are irresponsible and chinese men are more...grounded. shut up. i was like, look at all these disgusting shittyass people in bermudas and barely 20 and holding their girlfriend's minishorts-clad butts. how the fuck can they be any more responsible than western men? at least ang moh people are FUN. these people are everything bad with no points for redemption. and my dad was like, so i'm irresponsible and not fu just cos i'm chinese la? AND THEN IT HIT ME. the problem does not lie in the race alone. the problem is our generation. our generation of chinese men suck. singaporean chinese people like to think they're creating a "first-class-ssociety" that kinda thing, THE PRETENTION, OH! THE PRETENTION! that day a girl from drama was scolding the menstruation pad dispenser for being tattooed with chinese all over and she can't read a single word. so i rea it out to her and she just put her hand in my face and said don't bother i don't want to know. PLEASE! i hate chinese too, but look, you're chinese and you can't escape that ok, isn't it shameful that you're trying to be someone else you're not? at least i'm not pretending, i just think that i don't want to be stuck in this society of chinese people with no sense of humour, can't take any joke, think they're so proud and prestigious and bluebloods and all that, much less spend my entire life with one of this kind. i'm sure someone will take this girl, that pretentious as fuck one who stuck a hand in my face, and THEY WILL TAKE HER, SCREW HER AND DUMP HER. andd then the china chinese people just use money to override everything. to them money is power. imagine a scene where an obscenely obese china man throws a pile of money at you,slapping you in the face while you're telling him not to cut down trees, not to kill the animals by destroying their habitat and all that. ISN'T THAT DISGUSTING?

anyway, i think the older generation people are really less disgusting, maybe even admirable. as my dad's child, i could see where his generation is coming from, i could see what they were trying to do. those kampung boys leaving their past behind, venturing into the cities, looking for jobs and building this impressive place we call singapore. maybe my dad's generation was the only generation worth celebrating. it was a time of free love and purpose and all. my grandfather's time was arranged marriages and working for the sake of food and a roof over your head. my generation is a generation that ain't seen nothing yet. that's why i wish the 60s and the 70s would come back. i do't care if everyone smokes pot and marijuana and all, so long as everyone lives with good intentions and purpose. i don't know. i'd rather someone kills me out of good intention than save me out of malice.

i don't know. i just don't want and can't love someone without a story. how can i? how can i fall in love with someone whose life story consists of "i lived in a hdb flat my whole life and i love my iphone. i aspire to earn a lot of money so i became a banker and i'm going to buy a condominium because it's the pinnacle of prestige. and a bmw" gosh i hate these fucking words, aspire, iphone, prestige. argh!!!
it's be much less stressful and happy if i married someone who's lived in a farm/a slum/a ghetto neighbourhood, anything.

2011-05-21T15:51:00.000+08:00

i had the most wonderful time with the dongs doing backstage stuff at dramafest yesterday!!! normally i'd never consider this kinda reality-happens shit worthy of putting into a written script but i really think it's one of the best times of my life!!

apart from that time we caught snails in primary school, that time when vikash called tinkerfriend and said he was gay and me and kangli had to control our laughter till we were almost going to die and when teo zhi kang said he liked me(cheap thrill).

anyway, basically what happened was yifeng joined drama and i was doing backstage with him. so crazy. during one of the practice we said we were going to use the walking stick to play handiplast with the cast. and we'll snatch the walking stick and hit them real hard on the head and they say ouch then we say why you say ouch? start again. hahahahaa!!!! yiting's in charge of PA and minquan's in charge of escorting people inside our non-soldout,lameass production.

you know there's a glass panel at the side of the stage and i said we should do a sideshow like those kind of pay-per-views you get in las vegas and other strip joints. yiting said they shouldn't have taped it in black paper cos i should go dance there and she'll black out the whole mainstage and shine the spotlight on the glass panel!! and then yifeng had to go off for some choir interview thing to be student conductor(confirm can one.that guy is like what, song god or what) and me and yiting and minquan went to change and stuff and then we got scolded by vanisha and then we had to sweep the lecture theatre till it was dustless to disbelief and when vanisha wasn't supervising us we grabbed the mike and started singing songs off-key especially me. got sore throat somemore wna sing don't stop believing, that a chinese will give you spanking. i just came up with that,like,now. and then we did the mean girls' jinglebell rock and i think i mastered it but yiting said i did it a bit too fast. but first time quite on cue. then yifeng came back aand sang some hindi song that i've heard before cos fluffy suyatni crazy over that song don't know what, barl leh chuli ya something one and that vegan dong can sing the entire song. HE CAN SING THE ENTIRE SONG IN HINDI YOU KNOW AND HIS BLOODY FACE SO CHINESE/THAILAND /VIETNAM. and we just saw a ren yao that afternoon,vietnam ren yao. then he say he don't want look like ren yao very kong bu. and then when we went backstage yifeng keep sneezing. then i a bit worried cos i don't know la, i thought singers cannot have respiratory problems one else how to sing. the throat and the nose must protect one. but luckily after we left backstage he ok already. then minquan met my mu and now she knows who wants to fuck her and that he likes foreplay. she told me she dreamt he did pedicure for her. my favourite person is still yiting even though she was probably the one who passed all the sore throat,aids and herpes to me.

and my mum tried to match the dongs up this morning, she page the pure excuses for boys with the not really girls. please. we can't. it will ruin our friendship and we're already too close for comfort. we cannot ever have each other's babies. and vanisha is blind also.

oh ya, and when we were doing backstage i kept remembering madonna's song"crazy for you". there's a line that goes,"strangers making the most of the dark,two by two their bodies become one" it sounds damn wrong right,so i didn't say anything. anyway!

2011-05-17T01:49:00.000+08:00

sorry for not posting. i know sometimes you all read my blog just to find out whaat's going on in my life and i tell you now that i honestly don't know. i find it hard to write long meaningful posts anymore. i feel like any sort of wisdom has been sucked out of me long ago and all i can churn out is a shallow bunch of stuff that i cannot bear to publish because it's so worthless. i feel like all my learning has stopped and all my insights are never to happen again. it was like... mental philosophy armageddon. thank goodness for these what, 4 days? i have been doing nothing but slacking and slacking and reading Uncle John's Bathroom Reader everywhere around the house and not just in the bathroom and i think i'm finding myself back. i just need to be away from the school. this school is bad for my health i tell you. i can't believe how uncreative the people there are. they're making me shrivel with their one-track mind.

i think i used to be able to write about all that emo stuff ( like,i don't know, like, deep stuff that's so not me,but it's truly more me than you'll ever see.wtv) because i wouldn't have to return to any sort of hell the next day. the next day would still be perfect no matter how many tests i've got that day, how many i predict i'll flunk,how mych longer i have to stay in GB and stink and all that shitty stuff. i've got all my friends in that building and i know when to evade doing stuff i don't like. i loved it when they kicked me out of the national day thing so when they practiced i just went to sit with lixin looking at basketball players play(lixin did most of the looking cos her class participated or something, i criticised).

life's like that you know, you always want what you don't have and everything you've got sucks. i think if i were in heaven i'd be that archangel who'd jump down and give up her wings and die to become a human being for a day.look at me, i'm already inclined to jump out of anything i can to get out of this coutry already. yes, i kow singapore is wonderful in so many ways. living as a singaporean is the only way i know how to live up until the day i leave. it's the place of my childhood,it's everything i've ever known. i think that's the problem, that i know every side of it. i know where's the best fishhead steamboat, where to eat(so long as you have money),how to make my way around the place and so long as i'm lost in the afternoon and the sky's not getting dark anytime soon i am unafraid. but i also know how the people here are and why there are like this and it makes me REVOLTED at the country. revolted,yes,not even disgusted. some part of me feels like i've been restricted for my whole life, told what to do, how to do it, what to think and how to think it. i feel like... i need to get out of this place before i turn into everyone else, finding presumable love, feeling prseumable bliss after having a child that you feed endless tuition and a worthless education that shelters you from life. i don't know. if you'd just take a moment to step back and look at this country you'll see the many problems that i see. but i don't think you lot will mind because i bet you think that the lack of freedom, comapred to the war in afghanistan, you can bear the lack of freedom more. this problem with freedom that i'm talking about doesn't just lie in our freedom of speech and freedom in doing whatever we want and eating(chewing gum) whatever we like. this place makes me feel so trapped also because of its architechture. don't say "modernisation", shut up, don't bloody say that word to me. i fucking hate modernisation. other countries can afford modernisation,they can afford to lose some parts of their land to this monster called modernisation. it's horrible you know,as a small country, having to face walls of "modern" concrete everyday. where do you go when you're awfully depressed? other countries have RUSTIC getaways. what do we have? BOTANIC GARDENS FULL OF ASIAN DOUCHEBAGS. i think it's really sad that no one really thinks like me, it's true what!

one more day of freedom on wesuck day and it's back to the hellhole. i don't know how much longer i can last there. it's a combination of the heat, the unstructured timetable,the boring company and the isolated location that's killing me everyday.

this bukit timah place full of rich people and those intimidatingly expensive buildings,i hate the place. i've never coped well around rich people. they stifle me, frighten me even and more often than not, disgust me. that's why i think next time i'll marry a poor person. i don't know, am i stereotypng them or what but i think poor families have more camaderie, more love in the way i like it, warm and caring and the kitchen always so happy with the smell of oatmeal cookies. yea,rich families have love too but it's like a hierarchy, there are things to conform to,standards to meet , ways to behave in an assortment of situations. love is conditional there. most middle class families behave like rich families too i think,because it's always human nature to think of themselves as better than thou,better than everyone else,above average and average is not them,it's always someone else. my family's different i think,we're fairly middle class, but at least they let me be what i want. all my life i thought being myself was a process so natural it's unthinkable that it can ever be stopped. but i'm wrong, it can,how else do we explain the evolution of the boring human beings in NJ? whose sole purpose is to get straight As, and be everything a successful person appears to be, "funny", excel at CCa,excel at studying, knows all the teachers in school. yet not for one second ever thought to talk to the lowly cleaners and all the other people that are inconsequnetial in their long climb to success. and just leaving their plates and cups there for people to cleanup like it's their motherfuking place. and singapore mirrors the whole of NJC,and this little hellhole is just a microcosm of the even bigger hell i'm in,even if it's just a lameass dot. i feel total rage just talking about that DOT. rich families and average families that try to behave like rich families suck. you say you love your children but you think you're loving but you don't love them,they want to be free,you've hurt them. don't say it's for thee better,or their own good or anything. everyone should be themselves. why should it be so hard to find yourself? why should there evn be any obstacles at all? i hope next time when i get married our two families will love each other, his parents(if he has them) will love me,maybe even be like me, with an inbuilt 5second swear timer.and the best thing that could happen is that if we all lived under one roof,monkey,dogs,cats,parakeets,spiders,lizards and all, we could all just be ourselves and his mom can bake all the chocolate cookies she likes in our kitchen that faces the pond and the geese and my dad can go fishing there his dad can read the papers in the backyard and my mom would be watching tv. wow. it's like a dream. or if this isn't going to happen i wish they'd all die so i can do what i want without having to worry about anything.

crap i write for K.I

2011-05-08T21:07:00.000+08:00

Naïve empiricism by Belvia with the gorgeous handwriting now new and improved with the legible Calibri typesetting and revolutionary paragraphing

The author claims that we tend to go in search of instances and proofs that confirm out prior perception of knowledge and the world , and apparently, accodrding to him, these instances are easy to find. Firstly, I would like to say that we do not always go in search of these instances. Sometimes they just come to us, like inspiration, it is not something you can seek; it is something you chance upon and it’s not always easy to chance upon. A famous example of accidental knowledge discovery was made by Sir Isaac Newton in the discovery of gravity when an apple fell on his head. He had been sitting under that apple tree, reading his book ,minding his own business. He had not went in search of apples to fall on his head, he had not meant to search for gravity (as a scientist I think he’s on the constant lookout for new theories to prove and make himself famous and stuff but I don’t think he was searching for gravity in particular), I bet he didn’t even think of gravity under it hit him literally on the head. And even after Newton formed his theory about gravity, the proofs for it weren’t easy to find. (Taleb must never have tried researching for anything before the inetrnet era.)

However, Taleb is right about saying us taking past instances that corroborate our theories and treat them as evidence. This is done because of practical reasons. We cannot factor in every single piece of experience we have had throughout our lives into the end result of one theory. I’m going to use Newton again(yeah,let him hear his name over and over and not be able to sleep properly in his grave.It’s morning in USA now, zombies should be sleeping right? Take that, Newton,for torturing me throughout secondary school with your stupid theories about forces. I think the force of me slapping his zombie skull off hi zombie body is about 50000N. sorry for being totally irrelevant) He cannot use every experience in his life to prove gravity because that would be totally irrelevant. And ridiculous. It’ll be like,” I went to meet some professor and had my lunch and then I sat under the apple tree blah blah blah and then it fell on my head and I did a lot of experiments and tata!” Of course, he would test stuff that he can “forsee with some success”(being that irritatingly genius physicist that he is). Also, he would look for evidence in plaaces he felt relevant such as physics books instead of biology books. It’s like, predictions that are made with research is more often than not true.

And then the author is right again about different occupations harping on the usefulness and relevance of their jobs to people. For obvious reasons of course. If they said their research is of totally no use, no one would fund their research. Whoever funded their research would kill them and they would be out of jobs and take to the streets as hobos. Of course, it is not true of all people. The world ha more than 6 billion(?) people, there must be some lunatics who do that and render themselves out of jobs. But we shall not consider lunatics. An example of a totally irrelevant occupation would be that of an astronomist (well, at least those who focus solely on planet discovery. And solely on the discovery of poisonous planets that we cannot ever inhabit. EVER) The astronomist would tell you that his job would benefit the human race IN THE FUTURE. But the fact is, we know it isn’t going to happen. Venus is never going to support human life. If we went there we would be poisoned/ fried to death. Studying Venus for interest so that they can write a news column every,what? 5 years? about some ridiculous eclipse and ancient curses and prophecies. Fact is, everyone will only tell you the importance/ relevance/ benefits of their discoveries/services, even if there isn’t any at all.

To sum it all up, Taleb kind of tries to rescue the reader from panic as he says “ there is a way around this naïve empiricism” and that is by implementing negative instances, not verification to form knowledge. He uses the black/white swan example. If you’ve seen white swans your whole life, you still cannot rule out the possibility of the existence of black swans, even though your theory of only white swans exist has been verified, like, a million times at your neighbourhood pond. As he puts it into ords for me so my brain doesn’t have to agonize over which words to use, Taleb says that we’d know what statement is wrong but not necessarily what statement is correct. Which is kind of scary right? You’re always wrong, nothing you know is correct even if everything you know is verified with your own eyes everyday. Wow. But I still totally agree with this Taleb guy. “Contrary to conventional wisdom, out body of knowledge does not increase from a series of confirmatory observations” totally true. It’s like sophisticated advice to smart alexes. There’s a bigger world out there you do not know of yet. Knowledge you can never finish seeking.

He also says that there are some things we can remain skeptical about and others we can safely consider certain. This brings in the factor of logic. But then that does not equate to real knowledge. Because what we think might be logical and true might be just the opposite of that but we have to do this. We have to be naïve empiricists. Or else our whole lives would be a pointless search of irrelevant, never-ending knowledge.

THE END

(my head hurts like hell)

i think this time i'll probably fail this.

2011-04-22T19:33:00.002+08:00

All my life i've been wondering what you'd look like. Who you'll be. What your name will be. How you'll sleep. What your favourite food is. What your childhood's like.

Maybe it's intuition

But some things you just don't question

Like in your eyes

I see my future in an instant

and there it goes

I think I've found my best friend

I know that it might sound more than

a little crazy but I believe

I knew I loved you before I met you

I think I dreamed you into life

I knew I loved you before I met you

I have been waiting all my life

There's just no rhyme or reason

only this sense of completion

and in your eyes

I see the missing pieces

I'm searching for

I think I found my way home

I know that it might sound more than

a little crazy but I believe

A thousand angels dance around you

I am complete now that I found you

it's I Knew I Loved You by Savage Garden. Sometimes i can't help but wonder could it really be like this for me too? An instant of gratification, of inspiration? I keep wondering who you'll be. I'm already in the process of dreaming you up so how is this inconceivable? That i'll meet you someday and lightning will strike and the thunder will clap and zam! we'll be in love. Who will i fall in love with? (i want to call this THE burning question of my life right now but that'll be so 1990s not that i hate the '90s but it's just so passe) Where will i meet him? Will his eyes be blue,green or brown? Will he kill me with his stare?Will his hands and feet be cold or warm? Hugo Boss or some obscure brand? Which season does he like best? What's his favourite colour? What's his greatest fear?

I've been thiking about this every second i can spare but i still have no answer. a thousand and forty-two(just some random number) hours later i still do not know his name. I know nothing about him. Except that i'll love him hopelessly.

This post could've been better had i not been so overwhelmed by my feelings.

2011-04-17T14:07:00.000+08:00

During the december holidays i worked in a place called Ambush as a waitress. What was i thinking right? Me? Waitress? I honestly pictured myself as one of those American girls bussing tables during summer break. Yeah right. I lost two toe nails during my stint there. My feet bled so much i couldn't feel that they were bleeding. It was nothing like the way i pictured it. I thought it'd be like me being part gourmet and part conversationalist.(yes yes laugh your ass off)

The two lost toenaails weren't the worst part of the job. I think the worst part was being accutely aware that I had a choice and the other people working there didn't. I could quit. They couldn't. Even if they weren't bonded by contracts or anything. They couldn't quit. What else could they do they're not singaporeans,how else could they pay their agents back? I hated it. I couldn't fit in no matter how hard i tried,not unless my family became bankrupt or if i had to work to feed my younger siblings or some other sob story. It was my own personal hell. It was a mini version of everything i've been opposing my whole life. Sometimes i suspect whether i'm communist but i think i'm essentially an anarchist. I believe no one should have any power. When power is abolished utterly, it is when everyone and everything is truly equal. I thought it was horrible. Simply horrible. Everyone probably thought I'm the naive little rich kid whho wants to experience the world and i guess maybe that's what i am. I know the world is a horrible place but i hoped it was otherwise. I am stupid i am naive but all i want to do is see the best in everything. Because i can't. Because even that small little restaurant tortures me and because i'm sixteen and lazy and all other reasons i quit. running away isn't a solution i know but at least the problem isn't before my eyes anymore.

2011-04-06T20:38:00.000+08:00

Like my handwriting, there are two sides to me. Most people only see a single side because i can't find it in myself to open up to them. Even my parents and my maid, you'd think i'm the closest to them. i thought so too but now that i think of it they aren't. They've only ever seen one side of me. I think they believe that i'm naturally blessed to be happy. Like nothing fazes me. The world is one big theme park and the only time i'm ever upset is when there are bullies but i don't respond with tears, i respond in anger, retaliation, payback. Sure, they've seen my outbursts. My sudden unconsolable crying and my tantrums and dark promises to commit suicide but they probably just allude that to my radicality. I know everyone just thinks, she's a weird child, but she can cope. I'm sure i can, actually, given that i'm put down enough times. Not because i believe in myself, but because i believe in the human spirit.

The person whom i can truly say has seen every side of me is kangli.

I thought i was coping, i really was. When i first knew minquan and yiting i felt...a resistance? i didn't really know them and neither did they know me. We were like strangers, hermit crabs, just moved to a new shell and searching for companions before we're swept away by the waves again. When i became very angry with minquan today i felt like something i really wanted to treasure disappeared. There'll never be another Mean Girls enactment. Or the happy singing of the milkshake song. But i thought we...i don't know how to say this. You know the deeper the grief is the harder it is to make sense of it. And the grief wasn't because of being accused or anything. It's because i thought you all understood me but really you didn't. Don't wish you didn't tell me. Don't say that it's because you told me that's why i'm so "affected". No, i'd rather know because this is the truth. I don't want my life to be a lie, even if it's only for two years. And that's just it i think, some kind of facade, fabric pulled over my eyes. I thought everyone understood but no. I don't understand why i have to stop saying fuck and everything i say. Uncouth is beneath you. You know i don't care what people think,so what if they think i'm crude.I thought you knew better. Yanting shouldn't be so affected by a single word. All i'm saying is that she has to be stronger, that was all i was saying. If a single word can tear you apart then what other horrendous things can the world do to you? If you keep dwelling on your dad and all the bad things he did, everything is going to traumatise you. This thing will consume you. If a single word can remind you of all his atrocities, what if when you see other people happy with their dads? Would you crumble, would you just die? The real solution is to make her talk, make her cry so that we can help her. Tears are a coping mechanism. I couldn't express myself,so i cried. I can't do something i feel confused there is no god. For everything you face there're always tears to defend you. Why should there be shame in crying?

I loved being with Yiting i loved us skipping house sessions, staying in the toilet to do our hair, just talking and talking like we're encyclopedias of ourselves waiting to be understood. And i love me,yiting and yifeng, sitting behind the grandstand just complaining about our lives when we knew we were truly the luckiest of the lot in nj because we had each other and what's more awesome than that? I've always been in awe, somewhat, of minquan because he had this natural ability to fit in anywhere. I often wondered what it was about him and one of my theories was that he could accept anyone no matter what for who they are and i wanted to be like that. So much so that it became kind of a mini-ambition. They're a far cry from what i was when i just came here. Lost and lonely and lost. Sometimes i cannot believe they're in my life and i wonder why the hell would they give a damn about me. Why the hell would anyone give a damn about me?

I understand that Minquan is protective of Yanting. Of course,they've been friends longer than i've been with them and friends are like wine right? Better with time.

I've written so much but somehow i don't feel like i've made a point yet i haven't really found what i wanted to say. Minquan said he really hated being called gay. I mean, he really acts like that what! And everyone says that and i didn't plant that idea into their heads ok. So why does he blame me and only me? I don't understand. Unless he really wants me to go away.

I really don't mean to hurt anyone.

2011-04-04T19:46:00.000+08:00

Nameless,Aimless,Painless.

As i walk through the faceless crowd in confusion

Some part of me longs for absolution

I'm am nameless,aimless and therefore painless

But why do i still feel like i'm mistaken

Why must every word i say be read into?

And if my pain was borne of affliction

And my love just affection

Would it be easier to read me?

Love is not mutual attraction

It's a story that must be told

It'll always have an ending

You'll always have someone to hold.

And truth be told i've set this in tune

You've made me both so happy and so sad

I'd have to leave,I'm sorry

I hope you'll sing it and be glad.

2011-04-02T23:28:00.000+08:00

I hate growing up.

How long have i gone on about that? But it's really true. i think staying in the past, not growing ,not changing ,not "improving" is becoming an obsession. When i was really young i used to have a crush on my neighbour. He was older than me by three years and i thoughtt the world of him. Now that i think back i think that i was really stupid but it felt really nice knowing there's someone who knows better than you and who you'll always look at in your mind's eye as a far taller,superior person. how do i say this the way i want to? I (idolised?) (worshipped?) (seriosuly wanted his attention?) and it felt good. Like,really nice. The ever cliched warm fuzzy feeling.

And then i had to grow up. Today i met him. And his mom. And he told his mom," Hen3 chio1 hor2?" i cannot translate it for you. you must speak hokkien to understand how disgusting and cringe-worthy this sentence is. It should have violated my enntire mind,spirit and soul but i think it's cos we knew each other for so long already. He's seen me when i was fucking fugly(which is worse than just fugly) and i've seen him getting scolded really bad by his mom. So when i heard that it sounded to me like sarcasm. And i felt a kind of relief. When friends praise you it's sarcasm, when friends goad you it's sarcasm. Sarcasm must be the basis for all my friendships i guess.

But that's beside the point. My point is growing up draws a lot of attention to myself. Like 17 is the magic age or something. suddenly when i'm walking everyone(felt like,and it didn't feel good) turns and stares. The guy that sells ice cream at the traffic light from jp to my house looks a little too long, people smile a little too redundantly. When i shop alone(because i don't talk no nonsense comes out of my mouth i have a very posh,very...cultured? appearance) too many people stare a little too long and some idiot chinamen even become slack jawed.please! chinamen go to hell. what i'm saying is that i hate all this attention. i used to wonder what it'd be like. now that i know i hate it. I don't like when people like me for no reason. i want love to be mutual and happen at the same time. it makes me very extremely uncomfortable to know someone likes me.why can't we all just be friends? like we used to before the hormones kicked in? or why can't we just avoid each other like the plague, just like we did too,before the hormones kicked in?

I used to think "falling in love" and not being "loved" back was difficult. Now i know that getting "loved" and not being able to love is worse.

I think i'm really growing up.

Nabei.

2011-03-22T21:07:00.002+08:00

Wild Children are the Happiest

We've known each other since we were three

All along we've been wild; we've been free.

Like two children on a deserted island

We knew only to indulge in merriment.

But as it was with everything else

There was a price to pay

Because growing up involved going through hells

Our childhood was just a delay.

On the day of Kizuki's funeral

I became a different person.

I became a little more capable,

I screamed a little but i learnt.

Kizuki was gone, it was time to leave

I have to get home by sunset

I have to leave some time to grieve

And some time to be upset.

Fine, i shall grow up like you want me to,

World, you didn't have to be so mean

You didn't have to concoct this nasty brew

Of fate but you had to shatter the dream.

But while it lasted it truly was heaven

Even though we had nothing then.

We didn't know why we were chosen

Nor did we question when it'd end.

We've held each other since we were three

Through pain and joy that we couldn't reason.

You told me one day we'd get away; be free

Little did we know true freedom was our little island prison.

You held me when i was afraid

And I'd cradle your head in my breast if you cried

Meanwhile you'd tell my hair in small braids

And I'd sing you lullabies till your tears dried.

And then we'd fall asleep by the fire

Two bodies that might as well be one

Until the day we invoked god's ire

It'd be another day of foray in the sun.

It was like we were constantly on the run

Escaping destiny one day at a time

And before we're done having our fun

Kizuki killed himself when the clock struck 12 and the bells chimed.

And i bid you. And i bid the island. Goodbye.

I read a book recently. It's titled Norwegian wood.By one Mr Murakami. It was mostly about a guy, Kizuki's best friend and a girl, Kizuki's girlfriend, grappling with his suicide. The book spoke little of Kizuki's relationship with the both of them, lesser of the girl but it was the part that charmed me the most. Growing up was a burdento them and to me. I hate growing up. When i was really little I burst with the sheer desire to grow up and do grown up things. i think i was so silly. I made falling in love a goal, marriage a destination and I gave these things time frames, like an assignment. To me then, these were grown-up things to do and i thought i would be happy if i could go to work everyday and have someone make love to me when i come home. This is happiness? i now ask skeptically. This is bore! This is thwarted this is wrong! I think growing up isn't measured by the time you have have to pay taxes, or when you get your driver's license. It's when you see the world and you are in a sound position to judge it. I hate what i'm seeing and i can't go back now. I'm somwhere in betwween and i still have so many things i can't figure out. i want to go back to when i didn't have to worry about these things. Where happiness was when school ended and no one excapt Bill Gates could see a future of technology. I'm not saying we all have to be Peter Pan and live in Neverland and fight pirates. I'm saying we should all be Peter Pan and live in Neverland and never have to fight pirates. Children of the wild never truly grow up. Because they've been given free rein for too long. And once held captive,they will kill themselves.

2011-03-17T20:54:00.000+08:00

Many people say i'm mst peculiar. i refute this. i'd say things like, look at those emo freaks out there, goths and downright weirdos who enjoy hardcore porn, just look at them, i'm nowhere near that level of madness.

But then i realised that maybe just maybe i'm weirder than all these people combined. At least these people know what they're about.

see, i'm terribly shy.

this might not seem the case right? well,it's true. i cannot stand it when a stranger looks at me in interest. i prefer the familiar smirk of my friends. those harmless insults.

i'm really too damned weird to be true.

1.i'm incredibly shy but i'm repulsively open.
2.i prefer insults to compliments.
3.i need and hate solitude.
4.i'm easily bored and i'm boring.
5i insist my parents are not allowed to live in orchard/bukit timah etc because i cannot meet my friends and yet i've resolved to migrate.
6.i always get the worst impressions of people but i really try to see the best in them.
7.i love animals like crazy and i hate human beings. and yet i cry for the both of them
8.i hate human beings and yet i can't help but be in awe of the human spirit and courage but at the same time our cowardice i despise to the core. our cruelty and our compassion.
9.i try to be a better person everyday but i deteriote unknowingly. age. age makes the world a horrible place. you know stuff now. you can differentiate good and bad. but they're going to make you a less happy person. where once happiness was a scoop of ice cream or the walk home from school with your friends. now the scope of happiness is being inflated. these things do not make you happy anymore. you want more. it's scary

i can't think of anymore now but there's definitely more of these contradictions. i'm one big contradiction.

quotes in my fable

2011-03-07T18:22:00.000+08:00

i don't know what to say i am. i'm not a crybaby. maybe i just feel too much and too strongly.

today wwhen lixin texted me and told me how unhappy she was i started crying in the bus.

no the people didn't notice because i wiped my tears away hurriedly but i couldn't help crying.

because i could feel exactly how she felt. i'm rehabilating but nothing's the same.

when you've hit pit bottom loneliness, how much further do you think you'll fall?

she said she's different form me. she said i naturally make people talk to me and stuff.

it's funny how the friends that know you so so so well can be so wrong about you. it's like

they only see the stuff they want to see,in their eyes you are perfectly flawed.

and that's the nice thing isn't it? having people around who'll always see you in a positively bias light,

like nothing you do can be so wrong that they can't justify your actions for you.

i think...i think people become better people by example. that kindness is something you mimic.

when you see kindness you'll feel that the world is not without hope and you want to be part of the reason for it.

and i've received too much kindness these few months. i don't know what i did to deserve it.

i know friendship. i've heard of its therapeutic qualities. but i've always been a bit of a skeptic. now i see. and because i see therefore i believe.

{ Especially lionel and jonathan whom i've always insulted i don't know what i did to make you give a damn about my survival. }

and because of everything, i feel a billion times more strongly about everything. it's all about contrast. the ideal world(with too true to be true friends) and reality(china scholars,portfolios,reputation,straight A bios.sing it to the tune of billy joel's"we didn't start the fire" for added effect).

so lixin, i understand, i know you need more than that but i guess it's all i can give you, understanding.

you have to save yourself. but don't sacrifice yourself along the way.

you are just the way i like it. and you are what you are and no one can take that away from you.

2011-02-24T20:58:00.001+08:00

I'm afraid.

i'm afraid of so many things

I'm afraid...

To fall in love with the wrong person.

I'm not in love now but that doesn't mean i don't worry

I'm not in love now but that doesn't mean i'm not sorry

I'm not in love now but that doesn't mean i should hurry.

I'm afraid...

Of change and afraid i'll change.

I'm don't want to be morose, i want to be ironically happy as i once was

I don't want to be boring, i want to be ironically exciting as i once was

I don't want to adapt to change. i want to be ironically successful in my own way as i once was.

I'm afraid...

Of the world.

If this civil scoiety is the world, i want to change it.

If this world cannot be changed i wouldn't take it.

And the conclusion would be that i'll never fit.

The world is like a size 0 dress

And i'm like the fattest girl on the planet.

The fattest girl always makes a mess;

She's the clumsiest girl you've ever met.

She doesn't fit and she doesn't try

The people who've seen her go,"My! Oh my!"

But she has to fit because that's the only thing she has to wear

She can't breathe in it but she has to bear with it.

But she looks ridiculous assuming an unsuitable identity

She's still the same person

But the dress and her are two different entities

And one of them has to learn...

She supposed she could stretch the dress to fit her

After all she doesn't care if it rips

But sometimes he thinks wouldn't it be more practical

To conform and slim down until it fits.

She finds these people ridiculous.

How could they all fit into size 0 dresses?

And upon further observation

She discovered something most worthy of stupefaction.

These people are in fact not alive.

They exist but do not live

They've become mere spirits because they've been deprived

Of the very sensation that defines life.

Suddenly the world seems so shocking

So scary, so dark, so frightening.

She saw them in a different light but she held her ground

But she was only feigning.

She might be the last person on this planet with a mind of her own

She's true to herself and she's all alone

She's cornered; they had her cornered

And there's no way out; she can't break out

She can't breathe; she's gasping for air

But she's going to make it,she knows

Because she's been there.

All my life i've tried and failed to fit in anywhere.

When i was four and i just started childcare

I couldn't speak Chinese nor English

Only dialect,i was like a fish

Out of water and i had

to deal with stuff

like speech

and my

own

And then in primary school i had a problems with teachers and discipline people.

Never liked them. They're like an ever-present force surrounding you

preventing you from going out of their orbit and blasting a nebula

in your face if you ever do try.So many things i had to

deal with. Favouristism, sarcasm, the absence of

appreciation for anything you do. Of course

not all of them are like that and they

made things better but i was still

a misfit through and through

i couldn't do the things

others could do.i

was a child

who still managed to be rebellious while adhering to the rules of home detention.

And then in secondary school there came the real rules. starting all over again

for this social misfit was a very hard thing to do. everyone thought i was

weird and irritating. irritating. that was the word they always used

everything in the world had to be convenient and i wasn't.

but i wasn't evil.i wasn't scheming. i wasn't a thoroughly

bad person. but no one saw that. everyone saw me

as a hindrance to their lives. a hindrance to the

class. a hindrance. i had friends, that made

me less miserable. but by being friends

with me these people had distanced

themselves irrevocably from

normality.i'm surprised

they haven't regretted.

nor have i but i

had nothing

to lose

and now. now is the worst of all.i always doubt my survival ability at the beginning. i honestly sincerely believe at this very moment that i would never pull through but past experiences force mee to think otherwise. i've always always been my unhappiest when i am being told what to do. and that happened last time, it's happening now and in a much larger dosage. and i feel...i feel trapped in misery. i really think i cannot escape from this unhappiness but statistics show that i can therefore i must have had it in me. but last time i had friends. now i have to make friends. and i don't know who i can or cannot trust, who i can or cannot like, who i would like and later learn to regret it. like, you think someone is really interesting at first so you're friends with them then it turns out she's actually a competitive, status-conscious bitch.

2011-02-23T22:32:00.000+08:00

ANTI-OPPRESSION, ANTI-CENSORSHIP.

2011-02-21T17:09:00.000+08:00

i have too many things to address. AGAIN.

1. last friday i sat alone in the lecture theatre. the entire row of seats, occupied by me and only me. and it seems paradoxical to say that one can feel so alone in a room crammed with people, but the thing is, they are not friends, they're strangers. i stare at them, shapeless,faceless forms and feel so empty. luckily i could meet up with mingquan and yiting(friends,not shapeless faceless forms) afterwards.

2.i've decided that i CANNOT CANNOT CANNOT marry a chinese guy, be it china or singaporean. never, ok? i just cannot imagine living in a bloody hdb flat all over again anhd never breaking free from this...this...enclosure. seriously cannot marry chinese. chinese people have no ssense of adventure. sure, regale me of "heroic" tales of china people scaling mount everest and shit. that is NOT HEROIC. SCALING MOUNT EVEREST IS STUPID.it's lame. plus you will die.if you're dying for exhilaration, why not try bungee jumping off a cliff in new zealand, you might even be so lucky to hit your head on a rock in the water and die. isn't that great? fuck people who climb mount everest and call it a feat. i call it fucking stupid. it's like, they're trying to prove that they have endurance and "what it takes"(shut up!) but what they're only doing is taxxing their lungs and legs and camp in the snow and facee possible death and waste thousands of dollars and milk sponsors. PEOPLE WHO WANT TO RAISE FUNDS FOR CHILDREN CANCER or sth, PLEASE DON'T CLIMB MOUNTAINS. if you really want to climb something, please go climb the Grand Canyon. it's fucking steep and it's like climbing a skyscraper but at least it's not CONVENTIONAL. you'll probably die on both expeditions anyway,why not be famous along the way?back to my anti-chinese sentiments. chinese people fail to touch me. everything they do, IS UNROMANTIC. even if a chinese person were extremely gentlemanly, he'll still fail to create that heart-rendering scene the auburn hair and blue eyes can. when i think chinese, i think extremely realistic(china people,everything money money money), i think uncouth(please compare a blonde haired blue eyed person digging his nose and a slitty eyed,bald man digging his nose. which one would you slap?), i think pretentious(pretending to be cultured when they are actually FUCKING CHEENA!). and although i'm chinese(yea,shooting myself in the foot), i cannot stand chinese. i have to marry(sort of,but it's more like cohabiting) a caucasian person. because then i coulddn't imagine such a beautiful person fell in love with me. whereas if i marry a chinese, i'd get sick and tired of life,swear on the kama sutra and cross my heart to remove my ovaries so i'll never have a baby and lose all sex drive. when an american says, "baby,come here",it's so sexy. but when a chinese says it it sounds lewd and disgusting. i believe i'm becoming a racist but i don't actually hate chinese people. i just feel that i cannot spend my life with them. an american kid is capable of really adorable mischief but all chinese kids do in public is to SCREAM AND CRY. useless.

3.today i was listening to the news in the car and i hear news like anti-government protestors being shot dead by the egyptian police, and the death toll was at least 103. AND THEN THE NEXT PIECE OF NEWS WAS ABOUT THE FUCKING SINGAPORE BUDGET. fuck you! look. there is a major crisis going on in the world. stop talking about fucking budgets already and DO SOMETHING!!! if anyone out there is protesting against the government, i would always be on the side of the anti-government protesters, no matter which country it is. if the government is truly good, then why are so many people risking their jobs and lives to oppose them? the people who support the government are all just toadys, sucking money from respective governmeental departments or running black markets affiliated with the government. i don't even have to look at any reports or be swayed by any news. i know for sure that the people are alwyas right. i hope Egypt overthrows their government soon and with fewer casualties. I'm rooting for Egypt! and when a group of christians surrounded a group of muslims to protect them while they were praying, i really felt there was some hope of world peace left in the world. of course the ideal situation would be to have no religion but i'll settle for racial and religious harmony in my time.

2011-02-15T20:00:00.001+08:00

i like shane. he's like me. so,so like me.

i hate blind dates too. i hate introductions. never really been on an actual blind date( how many 16 year oldds have anyway?) but there're enough experiences in reality to be comparable to a blind date. anyway, my point here being i hate introductions and all this formal shit. always said i wanted to get "married"(not exactly but something like cohabiting) early so that two people truly in love can spend more time with each other till the day they die(and other crap) but i know i say these things only out of boredom. shane's friends always set him up with girls because they think he's lonely. maybe he is. but i know, we won't settle for anyone that doesn't feel a thousand percent right. i'd take a biker guy,fat,dirty,smelly,ssweaty,china even, if there was the connection, in a heartbeat. and i'd never take a handsome,perfectly perfect guy if there was nothing. love is not all that simple. love is not...love is not money,love is not sex,love is...love is not sharing common interests,having common thoughts,having the same experiences and childhood,love is not history together,love is not..seduction. love is not so many things, most of all,love is not simple. but then again, it is. how do i say thiss? it's not simple because we're all mostly mistaken about love, the same way we're mistaken about animals. what if the crocodile sentenced to death for biting an old woman's arm off was only doing so to protect her kid? what if tthe heart's way of telling you was to hurt you? and love, love is an instant, love is a memory, love is abstract yet easily understandable because there's this connection. you know it when you've seen it. it's the instant understanding. so it doesn't matter really,if you marry at a young or old age. what matters is you seek out that someone who's speecially made for you.who fits exactly into every crevice of your heart. if at 16 you know you've found that person, truly certain of it, then you should pursue it. as if you would a dream. because being happy is everyone's dream right? it's mine too. and even if yyou think i'm cold and unfeeling and hate children, i have moments. i remembered i cried at the LA airport just because a girl in a pram smiled at me. when she smiled at me, i thought, in 2 years time her mom will be teaching her not to smile or talk to strangers, beware of paedophiles. the night is not safe. and stuff. before long she'll forget this innocence she was born with but right now i guess i'll just savour it for a moment. and i smile back at her. it's not that i thoroughly hate children. it's just.. i don't want to have a child and watch the child becoming another realist, another one in the world who has to fight to survive, just another nasty human being, money money and sex. but i guess most people have children because they're ccertain their chhild is not going to be like thiss. their children are going to be prodigies and gentlemen. i won't get hung up on that thought like everyone else. it's like a love affair. if you know you're going to spend the rest of your life with the person, you are. and that's not so far off from my thoughts on having kids. point is, i have and will live my entire life with my heart and my heart only.

and me, and shane. we're both single. because we haven't met the person yet. i just haven't met you yet. i'm thoroughly conciled to the idea that i'm never going to marry shane. i know, say nothing is impossible, but this is. plus, i know, i'm not right for him. how do i say it? right, I'M JUST A CHILD.

i don't know if i'm mistaken but because everyone treats me like a child, i'm being moulded as they want me, fitting the description,playing the part. everyone thinks i'm a child i guess. even those people who don't know it. my parents treat me like i'm fragile. vulgarities get hurled around the house everyday, but it's just about the worst thing we have around the house. my parents... they... they protect me. from everything they possibly can. the sun, the rain, my emotions, boys,everything. when i need to be a llittle wild, see a larger part of the world,break the well a little so i can see a bigger part of the sky, i go to my maid or kangli but even they protect me. don't knoww what thee fuck i'm crying for. it's just... i don't know. i think even peeople who aren't consciously protecting me are doing just that. like huizhen and lixin. they protect me the way the banks protect their assets, balancing. they let me go a little but they worry like hell but still they let me spread my wings a little,feel the exhilaration as the swoop down the canyon heeightens my senses and then they let me come back whenever i want. they protect me from boys because thy're afriad that i'll be silly all over again, but they know i'm not anymore but they still worry. and they let me go, like a kite,guiding me,releasing me,until someone else snaps me then they retrieve me. they know sometimes i'm crazy because i'm a born rebel, they know sometimes i like to run off alone,get lost, dream and crash down at full speed.and they protect me most of all, from myself. when i'm angry at the world, when i have nowhere else to go,nothing else to feel,they're always alwayss always there.they can't solve every problem,even with all of them combined. but they minimise the agony and they replace it with a little joy and having friends, real friends, intangible friends you just share that connection with, that is the most profound feeling. almost makes me believe there is a kind god(but then i think of aall those other bad stuff around the world and my conviction returns) i really don't mind being a child at all in their eyes. it's the luckiest feeling in the world and i never want to grow up.

thank you

they know there's no stopping me,

so they let me be,

but they worry to no end.

and when i finally am,

and i regret

they'll always still be in my camp

they only want me to be happy

and it's all because of them

that i feel so lucky

and though sometimes i feel...suffocated

and i struggle

deep inside i feel protected

and closely cuddled

even though we don't see each other anymore

more powerful that electrical signals
is when people love you to the core

2011-02-14T17:00:00.000+08:00

Just a small town girl
Living in a lonely world
She WANTS to take the midnight train going anywhere

this has been running over and over in my head these two days. i know i've expressed my misery at being in this school too many times before but i have to pour everything out,empty my heart until i'm an inert lump of shit,incapable of joy, but incapable of misery either. i'm miserable. i'm just a small town girl, it's jurong i've lived in my entire life, for dog's sake. never lived in and never wanted to live in posh places like orchard or bukit timah. i had dreams of becoming a housewife when i grow up. i never wanted to "succeed" or "get far in life". all i wanted was to be myself. andd by being myself i realised i loved animals so i wanted to be a vet,not a housewife anymore. and this small town girl here, she's never liked studying. never liked those classroom politics, never like what they call the "education system" (and not the learning experience). she's always held others in high regard. she doesn't understand how they can be so absorbed in physics, math and stuff.she's always the one with her eyes buried in storybooks and her head up in the clouds. and it's a lonely world, she supposes,dreaming dreams only you can fully understand. but there wasn't any way around it. she had to be what she had to be. you may say that i'm a dreamer but i can't help it. i'm not the only one, but i'm the only one i know. and dreams she does. she dreams of abolishing religion so the world can live as one.she dreamss that there will be no animal cruelty in the world, to cats,to dogs, to elephants,chimps,iguanas,anything. but in this place people call reality,it's each man for himself. it's a selfish place. it's a horrible, joyless place. she lives in it, but only physically. she eats,she sleeps, she breathes air then she gets her results bacck and she can qualify for a school that people are simply clamouring to enter though she can only stare at this... this... insanity and ask an incredulous "why?". but she got her ass into that coveted place anyway, because there wasn't any other choice. and then she misses her friends because even though they might not exactly understand her, they accept her and then they've come to love her and she them. but now she has to sit in the lecture halls alone,surrounded by thousands of faceless shapes,feeling more alone than if in an ocean all alone. and she needs to escaape,sshe can't breathe,she gasps for air but she finds it hard to return to dreaming of fairytale endings and cheerful solitude. because solitude is only enjoyable when you know for sure you don't have to stay there permanantly. and she wants to take that midnight train going anywhere. lose herself,forever and not only for a few seconds. somehow i just don't believe one can run of of places and friendly faces because one has to be free. and i really do need to be free. free from those people saying i'm smart and shit. that i'm capable of so much more. that i have a bright future and worst of all,living the singapore dream for all to see. i can roll my eyes till my eyeballs pop but these words, even if not directed at me, really cuts me, hurts me. yea, it makes me sad to hear that i have to live life as people dictate,sad,not just angry. it makes me feel like this world is hopeless. why can't anyone understand, i'm not clever belvia, i'm not capable belvia, i'm nothing people say i am. but if i say i'm simple belvia, i'm funny belvia, i'm caste-hating,animal-loving,justice-bound,need-to-be-free belvia, you'd better take my word for it.

2011-02-10T22:07:00.000+08:00

sweetness is...

looking at each other and knowing each other's thoughts

holding her hand and liking it and looking away pretending as if nothing's unusual

sneaking a kiss and smiling to yourself afterwards

a straw hat,a picnic basket and a forest

NOT FUCKING THREE DAYS,A CARD,A PRINTED TEE AND DING TAI FUNG DINNER

i don't understand why people can just settle for this...this... how do i say it? unromantic? realistic? practical? idea of love. what's worse is that we're all so young. how can you expect two 16 year olds to conduct a date as if one would conduct a business meeting? dinner and goodie bag?? apparently people do. well, people in my school do. that's their idea of sweetness. that's what gong yiming did the huishan, THE SWEETEST THING.i know it's really obsessive of me to be so enraged by this but it really bothers me. love shouldn't be like this. LOVE SHOULD NOT BE INVOLVE MONEY NOR GIFTS, WHAT MORE PUPPY LOVE(please don't say you're going to get married).

romance is...

knowing every single marking on her body

secluding yourselves so you wouldn't have to listen to anyone else but your heart

watching tv together and looking a mess

cuddling while food burns in the microwave

and everyone says i'm a horny person who wants to have sex in the forest everyday. they totally insult the real idea of romance. they don't understand. and they are like that in eevery aspect. as if romance issuperficial. i don't know. i hate them. the great art of life is sensation and they...they don't understand. and they'll never understand.to them life is just a day in day out thing, you live it, you try to succeed and eventually you have to. and you get a boyfriend. it's a status thing. it started because of rumours,not an instant connection. it's fake. some people live their entire lives as a mimicry of others'. and i've found them

love is...

being with each other irregardless of sickness,poor health and poverty(it's the only true thing in the bible)

but then again,that could be exploitation. i'm 16. don't ask me about love. all i know,all i want is to be happy. i know one should rather be socrates and dissatisfied than a pig and satisfied but i'd rather be the pig. because every living thing instinctively responds to life's decree to be happy. irregardless

2011-02-09T18:19:00.000+08:00

I've got a lot of things to say but you know that when you have too many things to say, somehow the words do not form. ok,i shall start slow.

i'm unhappy. as usual. because i'm an antisocial sociopath. but it's not my fault. it's not in my blood to conform,to fake interest, to pretend as if everything's ok when it's not. on the surface it look as if the water is still, but there's a cyclone building underneath(i sound like a confucious saying). who doesn't go through this process of having to switch schools and stuff? why am i making such a big fuss? i don't know, i really can't help it. i miss every single thing i can remember and it's not something a single visit or gathering can remedy. i need everything back. mentally i see the bricks of the school falling into place,the structure being built and people being placed in the building, my friends walking towards me as if we're still 15 with all the time in the world till we reach 16.but that image is hazy,marred with the contrasting reality of not just a 2 year separation-because after this i'm going to new zealand to study to be a vet and perhaps migrate there for good because singapore is still singapore and it is the utmost misfortune of myself and all the worthy people i call my friends to be born there. singapore is made for the people who happily exist in njc, military,orderly,success-chasing,disciplined,victorious njc. people who is call CONFORMISTS.sounds like communists right? both are hatable. communist leaders are so full of righteousness not backed by action.communist blood is all in the china people,no matter what china has done about globalization and stuff. every chinaman has the potential to be a communist leader because they are all damn good at giving EXCUSES. NOT REASONS. they are instant excuse generators. i want to tell you about how much the china people sucked when i went to usa but i feel really tired recounting the ordeal,as if i'm living it all over again. i can't stand to live it again. all i can say is china people suck. and they suck even more when they become rich. they act as if they own everything,that they can lord over people and that money speak for itself. WEALTH IS A HORRIBLE THING. SO IS PRESTIGE. i hate it when people are so obsessed with these stuff. sometimes i feel like crying in exasperation when people don't understand what is it that i hate so much about these things. and i hate myself because all i can say is that they are inconsequential. but money is important,how else do you live? a good name is important,no one wants a whore as a bride. the thing is that, these things eat away our minds. every single creature was made unmarred,unmarked. i really do not believe that any child could be born evil(as much as i hate children,as much as i do not believe in god). animals will never become bad because they retain that innocence because they didn't have the ability to understand the bad stuff. i really like how an antelope could be taught to accept food from a child's hand, to walk closer, to trust us and be completely clueless about how to kick a helpless thing to death no matter how many times it's been taught. in shhort, animals are incorruptible.and they deserve to be loved.

now that everything's so unfamiliar, i feel so dependent on the friends i've known since forever. i would sit alone,cradling my phone in my palms, waiting,hoping,anticipating a funny joke, a familiar anecdote, a reprieve from my misery. it sucks waiting for your life to return.

when i was in the usa i thought of running away. i thought of walking away from my all the china people in the bus, my parents and the unappealing life waiting for me when i get back to singapore. i thought of walking out onto the freeway,walking whereever the road stretches,walking to where destiny leads,where my heart leads,where adeventure is waiting. i suppose i could thumb a ride and offer sex to the person who picked me up in the car. and be his sex slave for life. i mean,how bad could that be? a sex slave is wanted,appreciated and such a sexy job. i love america. i wish i were born there. i was meant to be born there. i love everything about it. how the name Artesia makes me so fascinated,how everyone talks,how the food sucks. i love it. if i were american, a real american,blonde-haired,brown-eyed american, i'd find it difficult not to be patriotic. their country's beautiful,even the deserts seem to have a mystical power over you,felt like i could just lie among the sparse,wild grasses and write my heart out. i iknow i'm gushing in an immature manner but truly, if you've lived in singapore your entire life,with mechanical people who find it out of the norm to smile,you'll love america, with all the strangers that just come up and talk to you, tell you funny stuff,look at you in concern when yyou're crying and not fascination,as if you're a freak.

2011-01-30T12:53:00.000+08:00

sometimes i make my life miserable in the littlest of ways.

my life is really horrible right now,not losing my parents having leukaemia horrible, but being in a really horrible school horrible. have you ever felt like shite because you feel lost and the peop-le around you are all so happy and it makes you feel even worse? have you ever already felt like that and came across a discipline mistress who's a pain in the ass and discover it's only day 2 of the ordeal and there's still 365x2=730 more days to go?? not to mention the undoubtedly high stress levels that will dominate your entire ordeal, apart from having the deal with these little motherfuckers.

and i'm making my life horrible by avoiding to pen it all down. i know that writing makes me feel better, i always does even if it doesn't solve the problem. it makes me feel like someone is listening, even if they are helpless, even when i'm writing in my diary,it feels like someone is listening. maybe i'm delusional,maybe i'm crazy maybe i'm worthy-conversation deprived. and by worthy i mean people who speak the same language as me-hating authorities, non-serious racism, insulting people in a fun way. it's hard to define my language but there actually are people in this world who speak them aand it's chunyi and kangli. kangli because we've been together so long. chunyi's naturally inclined.

right now i don't know what to say to put my....pain? despair? into the correct words andd make the people who're reading this feel this. but i'm feeling better from the 200 or so words,as if i'm transferring all those negative emotions to them to bear the brunt. but i'm not entirely happy yet. i'll update. because right now,i'm constantly unhappy.

2011-01-26T00:25:00.000+08:00

i really hate this feeling. not as much as when people ask me in a lewd manner where i'm going or am i free etc etc (you know,lewd stuff) but i stilldetest feeling like that.LIKE MOTHERFUCKING ARMAGEDDON. and i guess in a way it is. i feel like shite. the more time i spend with tingting,huizhen,kangli,lixin,eurona and all the fabulous people, i feel even more sad cos all i can think about is what i'll be missing out. i hate seperation. and you know what? i don't even really like making new friends. having new friends,having people like me etc, it all doesn't really matter to me. i don't care about bloody new friends as long as i've got the old ones.(please read my heartbreaking tale about childhood,fuck you if it didn't break your heart. i cried tons twice-writing in my diary then on this blog) anyway, as i was saying,i hate seperation. i don't want new friends. i don't want new experiences. i don't want anything. i like stagnating. i like rotting. why won't the world just leave me alone and let me rot? next time when i become a vet, i'm going to migrate to new zealand. you may think that i'm contradicting myself my speaking of migration when i initially was protesting against change, but here's the thing. i'm going to buy a house. a brick house. a farm house made of brick. and i'm going to live in a super ulu place. like 4 hours drive from the nearest supermarket. but a lot of other farmhouses around. maybe a zoo or nature reserve nearby somewhere. and i'm going to stay there forever. until i commit suicide. i think it's absolutely unthinkably beautiful that two people can just give their word to each other, run off and live in this secluded eden all by themselves. and if all my old friends were my neighbours, it'd the cherry atop the icing. that must be what heaven is like i guess. BUT THERE IS NO GOD, AND THERE IS NO HEAVEN SO I SHOULD STOP WAITING FOR HEAVEN TO HAPPEN AND CREATE IT MYSELF. i guess if those retarded friends of mine read this they'll be happy for me. i want to say i'll not be fine without them around and they must stick around or i'll die. but that's not really true. i know i'll be fine. but nothing's going to be the same

2011-01-20T21:19:00.000+08:00

today a japanese person came to this blog. nowadawys i'm stalking my audience since i've discovered how to,if you haven't already noticed. i think it'd be wonderful if he or she could read the post about my childhood because it's so appicable to everyone. there's one line from robbie william's eternity, it says"youth is wasted on the young" and that cannot be more true. i really believe there is immense logic in this and this quote wasn't by robbie williams it's by robert frost or mark twain i can't remember.

2011-01-17T20:12:00.000+08:00

normally i just pick up a pen or sit myself at the keyboard and the words that were so previously messed up will compose themselves into legible sentences, but i find myself having difficulty explaining stuff that i'm going to even though it's difficult (you get the drift)

so just imagine, you're looking absolutely pretty, like really really pretty, not skanky pretty, not exposing too much pretty, really really pretty like stockings and pastel colours pretty. (i had to wear stockings cos i pounded those fucking onions in a really indecent position and i had a rash,motherfucker. i don't want to bow to these rashes and have to wear jeans.)

i'm totally not boasting but people were staring at me(and i'm like oh my dog i know right? i have fabulous fashion sense and people should pay me to help them look human)

and i like it when people look at me,shameless as that may sound. i like looking at pretty people too. makes me feel...happy? maybe inspired's more the word. french doctors believed that pregnant mothers should look at beautiful things so as to produce a beautiful baby and the french hospitals sacked ugly doctors. i know it sounds ludicrous but i'm totally buying that shit. i'm never going to have a baby so all that pretty stuff will be absorbed from my eyes into my intestines and will be digested and total wellbeing. ( i know you think i'm a total lunatic)

but then there's this problem. what if peopple start talking to you because you're pretty? i just can't stand it. plus you know how people are having holiday jobs all around and the next salesperson who's chatting you up may be in your age category(as if you're some toy-for ages 16 and above. shut up!)i fucking fucking fucking cannot stand it. i want to bolt from the shop i want to get away and this fuckers are being extremely nice to my parents and the worst thing is my parents are like...talking about me and him as if we should be anything other than strangers. just shut up. i am fucking grossed out. and this mootherfucker is like saying fucking stupid stuff like do you take biology. ARGH!

i argh! because i don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.
think about it, his behaviour totally makes sense.
pretty girl comes along.
pretty girl talks to you(she has to, she can't find a smaller-sized skirt).
you would like to propagate aesthetically-pleasing babies and even if you don't, you want to fuck a pretty girl instead of an ugly one right.
and then i imagine all those "grown-up" people going to pubs, tea parties,weddings, stuff like that where you meet people.
and then the guy who gets you a shot of vodka says things like you're really gorgeous, may i have your number, you're expected to reciprocate right?
like, oh you're cute too, you may have my number and virginity, stuff like that.
but the thing that makes me really really disgusted is people telling me i'm pretty, even smart.
the thing is i'm pervertically repulsed by praise.
I HATE PEOPLE PRAISING ME.
especially about the way i look. i don't know why. it's not like, i become flustered when they do that or anything (well maybe i do but that's just because i'm controlling my anger) maybe if you told me i'm smart,i'm funny, i'm fun it's gna be totally okay. i will so date you if you ask me to. bonus if you're funny too. but no, please don't ever say i'm pretty. even if you're gorgeous looking like leonardo di caprio or johnny depp, i will still not forgive you. when that guy said i'm pretty i felt like i could unleash all my fury on him. (obviously i didn't but i wanted to) felt like tearing out all my hair, my eyebrows and de-limbing myself and scratching vulgar places like a monkey so thaat i will look as ugly as possible and scre the heck out of him

i don't know why i feel like this. it's just that when people say i'm pretty, they either
1.say it with a purpose(most prob of getting me to bed them as if i would even know how to)
2. are lowering their status to something lesser than me, like as if only pretty people deserve to live on the face of this earth or something and they are not as pretty and therefore are of a lower status than myself etc. i want to scream at these people. how could they be so shallow? i hate phrases like," you're so pretty", "you're so smart" "why are you so pretty/smart/pretty and smart?"

no! i want people to stop saying this kind of shit to me, to anybody! it really serves no good purpose, it only lowers the speaker's self-esteem or makes the listener feel disgusted. it doesn't make the lister feel good, esp if the lister is me, unless the listener has really low self-esteem too.(but that's just my opinion.maybe there truly are people out there with an amped up ego and still enjoy listening to this kinda bullshit)

people should stop praising people as if they're lesser people. really. if a little boy or girl praises me, i either deny it or i tell them they can be like thaat too, someday, in their own way. (but i really cannot tell people my age the same thing right?)

what i really want to say is that, people are special in their own way,everyone is, even if they're mean-special, evil-special, it's the uniqueness in every character that ensures that every single person in this world will have someone who loves them and someone to love. it's a minimum 2 pax thing. people should replace you're really pretty with you're really special,you're really smart to you're really special, why are you so pretty and smart to do you know you're really special. and then the world will be filled with love. just picture it. instead of saying why angelina jolie's so sexy you could say like she's so special. and if you really don't like her, you think she's fucking horrible, you could also say she's fucking special because,she's horrible in a way no one else is. and special, no matter in what context(maybe if in a retrded kids context exempt) will sound good. and then there'll be no hate over the world. right? and people will be so much more whimsically unabashedly romantic. you're so special you're so special and then they'll carry the girl and whirl her around at the traffic light. no one could ever get desensitized to special. it's like how love is an evergreen word.

2011-01-15T18:04:00.000+08:00

My Childhood(excerpt)

Someday I'm going to kiss you

But not now,not today

Today i missed you;

I'll kiss you on your wedding day.

it's part of a poem i wrote because i had a revelation last night at 1 am and lasted till 4am. and it's ironic that this revelation made me confused,so i wrote a poem, because that's what i do when i'm confused. it's really true what mark twain says,it's like he was psychic or something, that a poem begins with confusion and ends in wisdom and delight and you know what? it's true for me,all the time. i can start out with something really vague, a thought,eg: a black swan is beautiful(it just occurred to me for no apparent reason) and then this entire thought evolved into something about how everyone gushes over the white swan,symbol of purity and grace but in truth they all believe that the black one is the prettier of the two, like how people try their entire lives denying that temptation is irrisistible and go on being pious and everything. i want to say, "fuck it!" to these people, we're all human beings, there is nothing to be ashamed of.

back to the poem,

i won't give you the entire poem because then you'd know exactly what i was going on about and i don't want people to know everything about me. and then you're going to quote me:"we're all human beings, there is nothing to be ashamed of. "

i'm sorry ok? i'm 16 and my parents are still alive. no, there's nothing here about sex aand yes, my dad reads my blog (quite wise of him actually.and sneaky) that's why i keep a diary. and the million of people out there who keep diaries with locks(i always lose the key so i don't lock mine but then there's the catch 22). we all are wussies with secrets that should never have found words. BACKTOPOEMBACKTOPOEM(WHY DDO I ALLWAYS DIGRESS?)

anyway, i want to clarify that when i say "i'll kiss you on your wedding day", i'm not the bride. but i'm going to be very happy for him and i want him to be happy because he maade me so happy and he gaave me something priceless,childhood(sometimes it's lonely being an only child.i've only just realised when i stopped speaking to him completely about 4 years ago and it's for no reason at all,how stupid can i be right). when i was sitting at the table with him staring at unrecognisable chinese words,i didn't think it would ever be an endearing memory,or even the poster image forr my childhood because it certainly wasn't enjoyable at all, but then it has become thus. and i remember being so self-conscious around him because...just because( i probably suspected myself to be in love with him but there you go, i am not. maybe i was,but not anymore and never will) . but then all those efforts at being that stupid prim and proper person that i couldn't be have all been for nothing. and there are so many snapshots of me making a complete fool of myself in front of him in my memory. no way can you justify dancing like a maniac with your filipino maid(the one that liked my dad) in a bowling alley while the both him and your parnts are around and no one at all is under the influence of alcohol. it's the lack of alcohol that's making me worry. or else it could have been like, "blame it on the al-al-alcohol"

and then there's this stupid time he came to my house and we sat on my parents bed and talked about our mundane love lives(and nothing about each other). i told him i was a freak-magnet. but that's not the point. i know,your parents' bed is gross and everything(but somehow i don't share the same sentiments i don't know why) but the point is, going anywhere near a bed is dangerous. slut that i am.

and in conclussion, my revelation is that i had no idea i had such a happy childhood(i wish for a less cheesy word though) even though i thought it sucked. and i can't give anyone my complete biography without mentioning him. and who i am now, this wild child who doesn't give a damn about what self-opinionated people think, is probably partially the product of our relationship(see how i gave up being prim and proper altogether). and yes, prim and proper is what his mum and dad thought i was. but neither me nor him nor my parents were fooled. i think his parents are a bit blind and deaf. everytime i quarrel with my mum the "cheebais","fuck offs" "go to hells" etc spew out of my mouth at a billion decibels. just imagine someone's chilling scream at being roasted to death and shape that scream into a vulgar word and that's me. i can't believe they missed all that and we live just 2 houses away on the same level. his parents probably thought we'd get married someday,seriously those people are delusional. i think they're getting the shock of their lives now. everytime i go out i have to pass their housse to get to the lift,so i'm strolling there in my heels and usa dress andd i sswear they didn't recognise me. guess what, i wore translucent underwear underneath(no choice,else the pantyline will show but at least i wore underwear right) . these days those people are learning how to cope with the shock of their lives.

and i said i wouldn't tell you everything

2011-01-15T17:32:00.000+08:00

Onision is so fucking funny! maybe my humour is really weird and i don't get punchlines and stuff but people acting retarded is so funny!! i love the video of the indonesian man,arh,no point describing it, just click this link:
INDONESIAN MAN
http://www.smosh.com/smosh-pit/lists/dont-this-try-home

and onision
http://www.youtube.com/user/onision?blend=1&ob=4#p/u/317/G44bAN-KsiY

right,and he's going through some divorce right now so don't go there and write nasty thing kay? write it like 3 months(who am i kidding?give him a year. 3 months is not going to be enough to get over a marriage of 5 years) later if you really hate him. personally i feel sometimes he's acting too deep and stuff but it's really just because i'm a catty person and prejudiced against media people, like,subconsciously to me,they shouldn't be owning more than half a brain. and i guess people would probably say the same about me, like, i'm so ridiculous,so insult-prone, so uncaring and horrible and mean in real life, i'm not supposed to be in possession of humane,deep thoughts. yea, i have those times too, like when i'm on the verge of insulting someone,i take a closer look at this person and see an image of myself. sometimes i go ahead and insult that person as per normal then reflect deeper and change my own ways. most of the time i just insult them then go back and insult myself and not change because it's so much easier this way.

2011-01-07T18:27:00.000+08:00

i don't understand why people can just go about their lives like nothing has happened. i know, they must not know who the fuck onision(his real name's greg) is, but still!

the world must really be a dreadful place. shane's father walked out on him and his mom after becoming an alcoholic, he binged, he was bullied, had to work at jenny craig's and was fired and all that shit. and then greg(onision? greg? i prefer to use his real name) here married this girl called Skye and then after 5 years, she divorced him. and you kow what she did? she took away all the furniture in the house, took $3000 away (which he kept in the house) and now she's even taken his house. great. and it's like, for nothing. it just happened like, all of a sudden. it's crazy. and you now what she did? she made him pay her for appearing in his videos. WHAT.THE.FUCK. i can't understand, if she really didn't like him(of which all these stuff shows) then why the fuck did she marry him?

is it really like that? is the world really like that? filled with people who randomly fall into false love with you and walk out on you after you say " till death do us part,i do,i do i do?" or like, people who are just mean to you because. right, and greg had a dad who abused aand trieed to kill him too. great, how beautiful this world is. do you still expect me to believe in a god? or some fucking jesus guy who is watching over our marriage as he did as a statue in church? i am super angry. you can't jusrt tell me, it's just these two super famous people getting their lives wrecked. no. so what if it's just them? this means god is not fucking omnipotent. now you're arguing the issue of " god is not here to create another eden for us". you motherfucking shut the fuck up. how many fucking A.D.s has it been, how many ffucking years already? huh? that fucking petty man still hasn't forgiven us? so fuck himself!

i don't understand that girl. ok,so he's a little weird. and he has ADHD. and ok,it might be a little tiring living around him. but how could you forget all that you've ever loved him for, in just that split second and then go and do this despicable act of taking all the furniture away? i really don't understand. 5 years is pretty long in my opinion. i think it's because you were married at 19 and everything about him seemed so lovable, his broken family,his horrible childhood...you didn't care if he had money or not,he's a wonderful person,fuck ADHD. and then 5 years later you decide you've grown up. and adult stuff is starting to matter. and money is extremely important now.and you won't have sex with a poor guy.

i hope i never become like that. no, i WILL NEVER BECOME LIKE THAT. that is horrible. if i ever get married ,which i won't because vows are really just words and so what if i face a god i don't believe to say them? they'll still be as pointless and ineffective. that's just my personal opinion, but look,there's even proof. people,you really believe in this horrible mean god who breaks his promises to look after your marriage and all this shit and it's not just greg. shane's dad walked out on his mom too. wonderful.right, if i ever got married (or something akin to marriage like cohabiting or falling really really deep in love , true love,not deception love, because that would be something like prostitution and how could you consider giving yourself to someone you love be prostitution, i know you don't know what i'm saying but i'm very clear about my thoughts ok)
let's take it from the top again,
if i ever got (married* not legally and all that realist shit) then i would love him. a lot. everything about him. his arrogance, his poop,his piss, his virus[es](that's when you tell me i've gone off the deep end). even bad fashion sense would seem adorable. and then i would tolerate his family. i won't love his family, if he loves me enough he'll understand that i'm not obliged to and i most probably won't. but i hope he doesn't have a family at allwhich would have caused him immense grief last time but he's over that now. and then i'll be his slave, waash his clothes even if i don't know how to, but i'll wash them just for the heck of it. and cook stuff i don't know how to so that dinner will be so burnt he'd have to cook for me. :) and then i might even come to love his ant/beetle/cockroach(*shudder*) farm(s) and even help him clean them out once a week, like he'll help me scrape dog poop off the floor even though we both hate each other's pets. and i won't care if he has money or not. i don't care if we live in someone's garage like or even as fugitives. love is not about all that. i don't care if we have a tv at home. i don't care ok? i don't care if he's vegan or eat disgusting flour cakes because he believes in animal rights and i can't sswallow that thing without drinking water. and i'm a girl and he's a boy and i'm vacuuming the floor. but i don't care because i didn't agree to live with him just so i'd have a floor to vacuum. it's not like that, even this 16 year old here knows that. so why can't that girl, Skye, understand that? with age comes wisdom doesn't it?(i endorse this because from my personal experience,it's true, i don't go arpund falling in love with any guy remotely unevil, because i've learnt that jerks lurk everywhere and i always attract jerks.) CONCLUSION:THERE IS NO GOD/GOD DOES NOT PROTECT MARRIAGES/MARRIAGES ARE PROTECTED BY THE TWO PEOPLE IN IT/ LOVE IS NOT ABOUT MONEY OR HOUSE OR TIME OR SPACE OR FOOD OR BELIEFS OR WHATEVER/LOVE IS TOTALLY INEXPLICABLE BUT IT DEFINITELY DOES NOT INVOLVE MATERIAL STUFF/ I ATTRACT JERKS/I DON'T LIKE JERKS/ JERKS SHOULD KEEP AWAY FROM ME AT A DISTANCE OF RADIUS AT LEAST 10 BILLION KILOMETRES OR MORE/ DO NOT THROW YOURSELVES INTO MARRIAGES WHEN YOU'RE STUPID/ DON'T LOVE SOMEONE TOO MUCH BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN HE/SHE/HE-SHE WILL KILL YOU/BUT THEN IT'S INEVITABLE/SO THERE YOU GO,LIFE SUCKS

2011-01-04T14:43:00.000+08:00

Have i ever told you i like spiders? i really like spiders. They are the closest things to insects that i like(they're anarchids by the way). i don't know why, but there is a certain kind of grace to them, even sexiness. everything they do is so pretty, from maqking their traps to walking to eating to mating. even their names are sexy:Black Widow, Tarantula, daddy longlegs. i have no idea why but i just felt i had to gush about spiders today. i saw one in my bathroom yesterday(one daddy longlegs) and it was carefully preched on 2 tubes of facial foam, swaying on its invisible web with every movement i made. it was a dull brown colour but even then it had this appealing delicateness about it. i imagine all spiders have angelic names too. those graceful ones wwill be called names like Lucille or Magnefica or something. And those scarily sexy ones will be called like...um... Zorfe or something. I know spiders are murderers and whatever yea yea yea yadda yadda yadda. i can honestly say i've never killed a spider on purpose before. originally i even intended to make up a poem for them on the spot like that, but after i have come to the end of this post i realised i'm too lazy